Day 2 of Gut Spilling

This is her birthday. And yes, I was raised by a mother that believes you must have your nails done and hair coiffed before entering the hospital.

I was also lucky enough to require a scheduled C-Section which allowed me to put a call into my hairdresser and manicurist the day before I went in. I kind of skipped the whole labor and delivery thing. I just plain evicted her!





















This is one of the most recent photos I have of her.











The love I have for that little girl up there is more then I can ever hope to explain. That baby girl is the reason I am so happy and fulfilled today. When I found out she existed, I made a promise to her and myself that if she ever came looking for me, she wouldn't find a burn-out, broken, and depressed shell of a person. I vowed she would find a vibrant, healthy, happy woman.


I am well on the way to making that a reality. There are shadows of memories that trip me up sometimes, but I happily admit there are no longer DEMONS lurking in those shadows. I have conquered much but not on my own. That little girl's life led me the one I know as Lord and God.


People often ask if I'm worried about loving more babies after her. Anyone who's a mother reading this knows how silly that is! There is no way I could ever stop loving Maggie, AND there's no way the love I feel for her would hinder my ability to love my future sons or daughteres. That's the key! Maggie is my child, true, but she is NOT my daughter.


I am not the woman Maggie turns to when she needs her tears wiped. I am not the woman that loses sleep at night wondering if Maggie is going to be happy and healthy. I am not the woman Maggie will go wedding dress shopping with. I am not the woman who will rock Maggie's children to sleep.


I am the woman that gave Maggie life. I am the woman that provided nuture and love to Maggie long before she was aware of it. I am the woman that prays for Maggie behind the scenes and begs God to continue to pour blessings on her. I am the woman that has a connection to Maggie by blood.


Although, Maggie's mother and I do share some qualities. Both of lives were forever changed the moment we found out she existed. Her mother and I have an unspeakable and indescribable bond. We both love the same little girl more than any other little girl on this planet. We would both lay our lives down for the same little brunette baby. We both never want to see her cry, and both struggle with the understanding that she will.


I am deeply thankful for the experiences I have had in my life. I hit my knees every night thanking God for the hurdles I have been able to overcome with His help. I couldn't imagine my life today without those things in my past.


This song has had many meanings for me. At one time it was the one I played for Maggie. I placed the lyrics in her bassinet and sent them home with her parents. Currently, it best describes a prayer I say at night.

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

and be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is

You

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I'm FAIRLY certain this is the last of the posts in this series. I'm not usually this nostalgic! It's actually been a loooong time since I've written like this about these things. (No, I'm not repressing, I pay my therapist big bucks to prevent that!! Hahaha.)


I like to think of these posts as word vomit, random thoughts and feelings organized and expressed using the English language.


This blog will soon be back to it's regularly scheduled Sassie Cassie-ness! Please stay tuned...