I had a dream last night. It's a dream I have had ever since I was a little girl. I haven't had the dream since I started college 2 years ago....until last night.



It starts off with me in a building. I know this building REALLY REALLY well. I'm comfortable there. Its ceilings are low, like a school building's, with harsh overhead lighting. Each room is small and confining like a class room, but this isn't my school and it is not any school I have ever attended. Really, it's not a school at all. I seem to live there.



Each room has a different theme. One of the rooms is dark and spooky and I hear strange things coming from behind its doors. My heart starts racing the moment I see the door. I avoid that room at all costs. There are other rooms that don't evoke any feelings or thoughts, they are just there.....they're rooms. Then there's the room I apparently live in. This room is beautiful--well-lit, lots of pictures, comfortable couches and big fluffy chairs. My bed is huge and the crystalline white, down comforter almost swallows me whole. I love this room! I see myself curled up in a chair reading a book and enjoying the sunshine pouring in from the window.



Eventually I notice the light has grown dim, I look up and see that the sunshine is still as bright as ever, it's the house that's gone dim. Suddenly there are the sounds of voices, loud angry voices and I start to hear walls cracking and plaster dust falls on the pages of my book. I run out of my room to see the whole right side of the house is gone--it's a big gaping hole leading to the world outside. Rainclouds are forming in the distance and low thunder is rumbling overhead. I look to my left and see all of the doors and windows firmly shut and locked. But through those windows and doors there is sunshine and life, and people! Happy people. I want nothing more than to be with those people. Deep in my heart, I know that if I can get to those happy people, I myself would be happy too.



I start making my way to the first door. Suddenly I hear the low rumbling sound again. It's a bit different than the thunder. I look over my shoulder and see a tiger waiting to pounce. I don't scream. I don't react. I'm not afraid. I've known this tiger my whole life. It's lived in this house with me this whole time. It lived in the spooky room, but when the house broke apart it must have been freed...and now it has leveled its gaze at me. I take two steps backwards and grab for the first door. Now I'm running. I'm running down halls and through doors that lead to more halls. I'm jumping out windows that land me in more halls. The whole time I can hear the tiger gaining ground.



The tiger also seems to know shortcuts. It knows where I'm going to turn, which door I'm going to choose and which window to wait under. Every time I run into the tiger, she sinks her teeth into the first place she can grab onto. She doesn't kill me. She never wrestles me to the ground to deliver the killing blow, but I can see her tear the flesh from bones. I feel the muscles and tendons being ripped and pulled. Sometimes I pull away from her and run to safety, other times I sit down and let her gnaw--eventually she gets up, looks me in the eye, runs her pink tongue over her ivory teeth and turns to leave me alone. That's usually where it ends.



Last night the dream was a bit different. I was running as usual, but this time I seemed to know where the tiger would be waiting and which direction to turn to get closer to those happy people in the outside world. I found myself running faster, making better choices and keeping calm. I had an overwhelming sense of comfort the entire time. I was executing new moves and behaviors but they felt natural and comfortable. I could sense the tiger becoming confused and frustrated. Her roars of anger could be heard throughout the house.



Suddenly I reached the last door. I knew that on the other side of that door was my happiness. I could feel the tiger chasing me down. All I had to do was open the door. I just needed to OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!! Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I whipped around and faced my attacker. The tiger had reached out with one of her paws and pulled off the back half of my scalp. I was appalled and shocked! "You've never done this before!" I screamed at her.



With my hand pressed into my torn, bloody head I grabbed the doorknob behind me and pushed open the door. I stumbled into the sunshine and fell on the ground. Immediately people started running towards me to see what was wrong with my head. They had almost reached me when they saw the tiger. She had walked out the door and was making her way towards me. Everyone froze in place and the tiger and I squared off. The whole time she was circling me, I didn't move. I stood there and let the blood run down my back. Finally she laid down in front of me and wouldn't make a move unless someone from the crowd began to take a step toward me. Then she would lift her head, tense her muscles and make a sound in the back of her throat that sounded like distant thunder.


That's where the dream ends. I didn't really think much about it until I was talking with SMF today. After hearing the despicable things my mother said to me during our most recent fight, all he said was, "Wow. Yeah, she's really a tiger isn't she?"

Yeah folks, she's a tiger. I get it now.