The One in Which I Spill My Guts
I've been blogging for a long, long time (January 2003). It started as an escape--a place I retreated to in order to get my thoughts organized. Since that time, blogging evolved and began serving many other purposes. It became the manner in which I stayed in touch with people I loved but couldn't be near. Then blogging acted as a place to share thoughts with those very close to me in a way I was not able to in face to face situations.
Then it all went 'kablooey'! I blogged about a struggle I was having. I was beginning to depend on alcohol more and more and I began to document my battles. Some of them I won and I wrote about them. Other times I was defeated and I wrote about those times as well. Suddenly I found myself sitting across from the Resident Director of my dorm.
I was informed that I was not allowed to document my struggles. Why? Well when I entered Tiny Christian University I signed a document that bound me to a certain lifestyle for as long as I was a student. Basically no sex, drugs or alcohol. So after being told the staff "is very supportive of students stuck in sin battles," I was slapped with ONE CALENDAR year of 'Moral Probation' and sentenced to weekly meetings with a sappy, out of touch, sheltered student mentor. And once every month I have to meet with Residence Life staff to 'discuss my progress'.
I was informed that since I was a leader in the eyes of our campus community, it wasn't in everyone's best interest to see me struggling. I was told directly, "People know you! You can't be struggling with something like that!"
(Yes, I'm serious.) So what has this mess accomplished. Not a whole helluva lot. I still struggle with alcohol, I just hide it better. I finally quit writing about it and when I did that, I stopped acknowledging my drinking altogether. The meetings accomplished nothing except pushing me farther into my secret life and bringing out my depression and wreaking havoc in my own PROFESSIONAL therapy.
What did I learn? I need to write. I need to process. I need to deoompress. So here I am, hopefully somewhat hidden. We shall see.
2 comments:
I understand what you mean by needing to decompress and process and all those love -ess words. So many, all so right.
And it sucks that your school doesn't really allow you to be a human. I've always thought it was odd how in some communities, having problems is as much a sin as the sin which is causing the conflict in the first place. Hopefully, you can figure everything out withouth upsetting too many people, but remember, its about you. Its your problem, not theirs. We all have different ways of dealing with stuff.
Well, enough unsolicited advice for one day. Take care, come back to my blog!
What the HELL?!
How is it that people figure that shit like that is in any way helpful? Hearing things like this just infuriates me, particularly when it's coming from a place that's meant to be supportive and encouraging.
You're not in this by yourself. Any help, support, or strong shoulders for crying on can be found here.
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