Day 2 of Gut Spilling

This is her birthday. And yes, I was raised by a mother that believes you must have your nails done and hair coiffed before entering the hospital.

I was also lucky enough to require a scheduled C-Section which allowed me to put a call into my hairdresser and manicurist the day before I went in. I kind of skipped the whole labor and delivery thing. I just plain evicted her!





















This is one of the most recent photos I have of her.











The love I have for that little girl up there is more then I can ever hope to explain. That baby girl is the reason I am so happy and fulfilled today. When I found out she existed, I made a promise to her and myself that if she ever came looking for me, she wouldn't find a burn-out, broken, and depressed shell of a person. I vowed she would find a vibrant, healthy, happy woman.


I am well on the way to making that a reality. There are shadows of memories that trip me up sometimes, but I happily admit there are no longer DEMONS lurking in those shadows. I have conquered much but not on my own. That little girl's life led me the one I know as Lord and God.


People often ask if I'm worried about loving more babies after her. Anyone who's a mother reading this knows how silly that is! There is no way I could ever stop loving Maggie, AND there's no way the love I feel for her would hinder my ability to love my future sons or daughteres. That's the key! Maggie is my child, true, but she is NOT my daughter.


I am not the woman Maggie turns to when she needs her tears wiped. I am not the woman that loses sleep at night wondering if Maggie is going to be happy and healthy. I am not the woman Maggie will go wedding dress shopping with. I am not the woman who will rock Maggie's children to sleep.


I am the woman that gave Maggie life. I am the woman that provided nuture and love to Maggie long before she was aware of it. I am the woman that prays for Maggie behind the scenes and begs God to continue to pour blessings on her. I am the woman that has a connection to Maggie by blood.


Although, Maggie's mother and I do share some qualities. Both of lives were forever changed the moment we found out she existed. Her mother and I have an unspeakable and indescribable bond. We both love the same little girl more than any other little girl on this planet. We would both lay our lives down for the same little brunette baby. We both never want to see her cry, and both struggle with the understanding that she will.


I am deeply thankful for the experiences I have had in my life. I hit my knees every night thanking God for the hurdles I have been able to overcome with His help. I couldn't imagine my life today without those things in my past.


This song has had many meanings for me. At one time it was the one I played for Maggie. I placed the lyrics in her bassinet and sent them home with her parents. Currently, it best describes a prayer I say at night.

The Reason

I'm not a perfect person

There's many things I wish I didn't do

But I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I'm sorry that I hurt you

It's something I must live with everyday

And all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

and be the one who catches all your tears

Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I'm not a perfect person

I never meant to do those things to you

And so I have to say before I go

That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be

A reason to start over new and the reason is

You

I've found a reason to show

A side of me you didn't know

A reason for all that I do

And the reason is

You

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



I'm FAIRLY certain this is the last of the posts in this series. I'm not usually this nostalgic! It's actually been a loooong time since I've written like this about these things. (No, I'm not repressing, I pay my therapist big bucks to prevent that!! Hahaha.)


I like to think of these posts as word vomit, random thoughts and feelings organized and expressed using the English language.


This blog will soon be back to it's regularly scheduled Sassie Cassie-ness! Please stay tuned...

Another Gut Spillage

*sigh* I was hoping this emotional post wasn't going to come bubbling to the surface for a few more days, but here it is.

December 13, 2006 is an anniversary. A very important milestone in my life. If hadn't endured that day, I wouldn't be the woman I am today. In a strange concoction of life, sin and evil on the rocks with a twist of irony for flavor, I am sitting here today healthier and more at ease than I have ever been in my life.

I guess things just came to a boil tonight while I was talking with a few girls I've known for a while. I finally shared everything with them. The rape, Maggie, Joe, all the shit from the past year. Suddenly Lynne was sobbing and admitting that her sister had just been checked into a mental institution after being gang raped on Saturday. What do you say to that?!?!?!?!?!? Lynne kept telling me, "I understand how you feel"

I guess in some sick, sad way I was relieved. Finally, I had met someone that could relate to the hell I have been going through the past 3 years. (Wow. Hard to belive how long it's been!) I feel like I've been living under this dark cloud. I have always just chalked it up to depression. Depression I can handle.....shame? Well that's a different story.

I don't have many memories from my past due to the fact that I've repressed most of them after my parent's horrendous divorce. But there is one day in particular that I will ALWAYS be able to remember with the same amount of pain and anguish I felt the day it happened.

December 14, 2003.

That was the day I learned, through an AIM conversation, that I had been witnessed having sex with another guy....not Joe.

I remember how I felt when I slowly began to put the pieces together. I don't remember that. It suddenly felt like all the blood in my body had moved to my head and was now trying to escape out my ears. I would never have sex with someone else! I remember my feet feeling like they were floating off the ground. What the hell is going on?!?!?!?!? I remember looking at Joe's face and feeling like I was the worst person in the world. What happened last night? What am I not remembering?!?!?!? I remember him telling me that he was going to take me back to my dorm so he could sort through things alone. i was raped. I remember wanting to die.

A short couple months later, news of the growing Maggie came along. I tried to go back to school. I wanted to make it work. I wanted to prove to everyone that I had it all together....I could do this! I can't tell you how much time elapsed. Slowly but surely I was sliding into a dark depression. A depression that could only be detected by myself. On the outside I looked fine, on the inside I was black.

One day I woke from my stupor long enough to realize that I hadn't eaten in a week. It dawned on me that of all the people I knew, I myself posed the biggest threat to my daughter. I alone was going to be responsible for whether or not she lived. If I had kept going where I was going, I surely would have lost her. I had a developed a strange love-hate relationship. I loved her more then anything because she was my daughter....a part of me. I hated her with a blinding white passion because I couldn't hate her enough to kill her.

Sobbing, I called my mom and begged her to come get me. I told her she had to save me from this....she had to help me save my daughter.

I wish I could tell you, that after I left that enviroment, everything was peachy keen. It was far from it. As days turned into months and I began to look like I was smuggling a VW Bug under my shirt, I began to resent all the people around me. I hated Maggie for how she had ruined my life. I hated everyone my own age who got to live life normally....happily. I hated Joe for his ability to just walk away and forget it all. I hated God for hating me so much. And the hatred I felt for myself grew with every passing hour. Because I had made such reckless decisions, my daughter would never know her mother. I added her life to the long list of others that I had managed to ruin.

September 8, 2004 marked the day I became a mother. I have yet to see anything as beautiful as my daughter. I would burst into tears every time I looked into her face. The last night in the hospital, I begged the nurses to leave her in the room with me. All night I lay there with her in my arms, watching her sleep. This tiny little angel had been sent down from heaven and I loved her with my whole heart. I physically ached from the pain that I knew I was going to have to bear in the next twelve hours.

I'm glad to say that since September 11, 2004, I have never again felt as much pain as I felt that day. I watched the love of my life, my heart and soul, being carried away to a new life. A life that didn't include me. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

I remember the weight of her tiny body as I dressed her in pink from head to toe. Maggie, please don't hate me. I remember feeling her soft hair against my cheek. I love you more then you'll ever possibly know. I remember hearing the snap of her car seat straps and thinking they sounded like gunfire. I can't do this! I remember collapsing into my mother's arms as she was being carried away. Dear Lord, please don't make me do this. I remember screaming, "Oh my god! My baby! What have I done?" over and over again until my throat was raw. Please just let me die because I can't live without her. I remember crying until I passed out. Please just let this be a horrible dream...

For days I slept on the couch because I couldn't bear the thought of sleeping in my room alone. I couldn't imagine what it would be like waking up in my bed and not feeling her move around. I hated myself. I hated life. I hated everyone around me.

To this day, at random moments, my heart skips a beat and I want to double over in pain. I'll hear or say the name Maggie and for a moment I'll feel like I'm going to faint. After I came home from the hospital, I developed an eating disorder trying to control the pain that was overwhelming my days. Some days I swear I can still hear the sound of her gentle breathing, although the memory is slowly fading. I still get phantom kicks in my stomach. Sometimes I still wish I could have her back.

I've been through hell and I've made it back. What choice did I have? If I fell apart, two lives would have been lost.

A friend once said it best, "I live my life one day at a time, as depressed as I feel, I live it." That's all you can do. Failure is not an option. You press on, you deal with the consequences. I have conquered an eating disorder. I have found Christ. My sins have been forgiven. I have forgiven my rapist. I have forgiven myself. I have a relationship with Maggie's parents. I am four semesters from being handed my bachelor's degree. I have an amazing boyfriend. I have close friends. I have repaired relationships. I am so close to be being engaged I can SMELL the diamond!! ;-) Things couldn't be better.

The thing I've learned, life is too precious to walk away from. There are a lot of things ahead for me in the future. Marriage, motherhood, PhD, saving children. I have so many things too look forward to but...sometimes it helps when I look back.

Here's the Story of Two Lovely Sisters

All you need to know is that we're sisters. And we're not biologically related!

This is my Baby Sister. She's a Froshy at Large Well-Known Public University.

























We were having some fun at Thanksgiving this evening. And yes, we're ALWAYS crazy like this.





















This is her audition photo for Herbal Essences!

























Sometimes she's scary on SOOOO many levels!

That would be a cracker in her mouth.

Yup...this is life with my Baby Sis. She rocks my socks off!

Sometimes we behave ourselves.....sometimes.

Holiday Madness...No Really, This is Craziness!

Truthfully...there's not a whole helluva lot goin on around here. The campus pretty much dies on the weekends. And HOLIDAY weekends?? This is place is a freakin ghost town.

I'm thrilled I'm able to go home. The Mother Figure in My Life is going to be here shortly to whisk me away to the 2006 Family Holiday Madness Kickoff (aka Thanksgiving Day). I know the holidays are a crazy time for EVERYONE but sometimes I wonder if anyone could ever survive MY holidays.

When my Parental Units decided to call it quits 14 years ago, they chose "Joint Parenting" terms for their divorce (load of baloney that crock is....but I'm in therapy for it, so it's all good). This means that my Christmas Break was split in half. Mother Figure had us (me and Baby Sis) until Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day @ 10AM we were officially Father Figure's. Seems pretty 'not so crazy', right?

[Side note: My older step siblings were also Survivors of Divorce from StepFather's first marriage. They had the same schedule Baby Sis and I had....the only plus in the whole mess.]

WRONG! This scheduling meant that Mother Figure crammed in as many family activities as possible on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve we woke up at the most ungodly hour a child must be forced to endure. Every child and parent was showered, primped and dressed by 10AM. We all loaded into the car and headed to Event #1: Christmas Eve with Mom's Extended Family. It was a brunch and we ate and ate and ate and ate. Then we hurried out the door by 1 to make it to Event #2: Christmas Eve with Mom's Sister.

Mother Figure's Sister fed us 'early dinner' (4pm). Mind you we just sat in a car for two hours after eating our weight in food. Obviously the only logical thing to do was eat MORE!

Christmas Eve Event #3 started promptly @ 7 which meant we raced out from my aunt's to make it to Christmas Eve with StepFather's Mother and Extended Family. This little get-together never had any LESS than 60 people! And of course, the only way you're going to get 60 people in the same room together is promise them food. So................we eat............AGAIN!!!

Then at 9:30 we hustle ourselves out the door to make it home by 10, we change and get to church by 11.

FINALLY!!!!! At 12:30 we limp our way home one final time and the kids are finally allowed to do the ONE thing they've been wanting to do all day, open some freaking presents!

Then @ 8AM, all children are DRAGGED from their comfy, toasty warm beds to have Christmas Breakfast as a Family. And then promptly at 10AM the kids were handed off.


Rinse. Shampoo in Different Family. Repeat till Parents are Satisfied.

The One in Which I Spill My Guts

I've been blogging for a long, long time (January 2003). It started as an escape--a place I retreated to in order to get my thoughts organized. Since that time, blogging evolved and began serving many other purposes. It became the manner in which I stayed in touch with people I loved but couldn't be near. Then blogging acted as a place to share thoughts with those very close to me in a way I was not able to in face to face situations.

Then it all went 'kablooey'! I blogged about a struggle I was having. I was beginning to depend on alcohol more and more and I began to document my battles. Some of them I won and I wrote about them. Other times I was defeated and I wrote about those times as well. Suddenly I found myself sitting across from the Resident Director of my dorm.

I was informed that I was not allowed to document my struggles. Why? Well when I entered Tiny Christian University I signed a document that bound me to a certain lifestyle for as long as I was a student. Basically no sex, drugs or alcohol. So after being told the staff "is very supportive of students stuck in sin battles," I was slapped with ONE CALENDAR year of 'Moral Probation' and sentenced to weekly meetings with a sappy, out of touch, sheltered student mentor. And once every month I have to meet with Residence Life staff to 'discuss my progress'.

I was informed that since I was a leader in the eyes of our campus community, it wasn't in everyone's best interest to see me struggling. I was told directly, "People know you! You can't be struggling with something like that!"

(Yes, I'm serious.) So what has this mess accomplished. Not a whole helluva lot. I still struggle with alcohol, I just hide it better. I finally quit writing about it and when I did that, I stopped acknowledging my drinking altogether. The meetings accomplished nothing except pushing me farther into my secret life and bringing out my depression and wreaking havoc in my own PROFESSIONAL therapy.

What did I learn? I need to write. I need to process. I need to deoompress. So here I am, hopefully somewhat hidden. We shall see.

Someone Take the 'Creepy Guy Magnet' Off My Back!

A Creepy Guy is someone who…

• Stares, leers, undresses me with his eyes or just generally fixes his on my person for long amounts of time without blinking
  
  Example: I’m not oblivious to guys checking me out, in fact I quite enjoy it. It’s the blatant staring I have a problem with! There is this guy in my Ed Psych class that stares at me. Every class period he deliberately turns his desk around so his profile is towards the front of the room and his ugly mug is pointed full on in my direction. Then he just STARES…sometimes open-mouthed….making a weird breathing sound with the back of his tongue. CREEPY!!!

• Doesn’t speak when spoken to
  
  Example: I had a lab partner that wouldn’t talk to me. I started off with the simple, “How did your weekend go?” but had to move on quickly to the tough stuff like, “Would you please hand me that beaker?” He would talk to every other girl in class except ME! HIS LAB PARTNER!! He eventually dropped the class.

• Smells like feet, B.O., dirty jock straps, urine, or illegal substances
  
  Example: There is this guy that used to be in choir with me that smelled so strongly of BO that I literally got nauseous sitting next to him. It was so bad that I spent a semester and a half doing everything in my power to avoid sitting next to him. Wouldn’t you know?? On spring tour, guess who had to stand next to Mr. Odiferous? Go on, guess. That’s right! Yours truly. And we performed every night…sometimes twice….under hot stage lights….and we sweated like pigs. Yeah, Mom? That’s why I looked green in most of our promotional pictures.

• Has not apparently showered in more than 96 hours
  
  C’mon guys! We’re not homeless. These are white-bred upper middle class guys I’m talking about here. Take a freaking shower.

• Asks weird/probing/personal questions about you before he has even introduced himself
  
  Example: This scene takes place in church just last Sunday with a guy I had never seen in my life.
  
  Creepy Asian Guy: (walking right up with no introduction) You look Asian. Are you Korean?
  ME: Ummm, well…uhh, no. I’m not. **Insert Big Sappy, Welcome to Our Church Smile*
  CAG: You’re not Korean?
  ME: No. **Still keep BSWTOCS plastered to your face!**
  CAG: Oh. (thinks for moment) Are you Chinese?
  ME: (smile falters for a brief second) Um, no. I’m Latina.
  CAG: Oh. So you’re not Asian?
  ME: No. I’m Peruvian and Nicaraguan. 100% Latina. **Re-apply BSWTOCS**
  CAG: Really? I thought you looked Korean.
  ME: I gathered that. **BSWTOCS**

• Sends off vibes that instinctively set you into ‘Fight or Flight’ mentality
  
  Example: I went to a bar a few weeks ago (*gasp* Naughty!) and while I was there I procured a stalker. This guy would not stop following my group of friends around and after we did a few laps around the place just to make sure he was indeed stalking, we paid our tab and hauled our cute butts out of there! I think Jenny actually left smoke trails. (All of us had on clothes that cost us WAAAY too much and therefore did not lend themselves nicely to fighting, otherwise we would have totally stayed and kicked some Creepy butt.)(Hah.)

• Asks me out on dates when I have made it explicitly clear I don’t want to have anything to do with you
  
  Example: This guy Frank at church. (PS: Moms don’t name your kids Frank. That name alone gives me the creeps!)(PPS: If you already have, so sorry. Please ignore that comment.) He met me a handful of times before I left for the summer to go to Maine and be a camp counselor. It would also needs to be noted that before I left I had been dating my boyfriend [a leader in my church] since February and we were together (still are in fact) while this email conversation happened. Here is the literally untouched email. (I’ve erased dates, times and names to protect the Innocent…and the Creepy.)
  
  Cassie:
  
  Question 1: What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
  Question 2: What are all the toppings you will not eat on Pizza, Sanwich's, Hot Dogs, or any other food you can think of?
  Question 3: Would you consider talking to/going out with someone you don't know that well? (Like me for example...)
  
  Frank
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Frank:
  
  
  1. A Rueben sandwich w/o the sauerkraut.
  2. Umm....I don't eat hotdogs and nothing goes on them if I do As for the other foods, I’m not really picky.
  3. I don’t know if you realized this, but I’m dating [Insert Special Male Friend’s Name Here]. We’ve been quietly seeing each other since February. I’m flattered that you asked, but I’m happy with the relationship I’m in currently.
  
  Cassie
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Aww! The Sauerkraut is the Best Part! Otherwise, you're just eating a fatty-meat sandwich!... As for the other thing, do you want to get to know me, or not 'cause you're dating someone else? I also have to get to know people first, but a lot of times people don't think they want to get to know me, and I don't understand why... People who know me tell me all the time that I'm approachable. I even see new people come up to me and ask me questions, or for help, So I see that I am approachable. I guess the one exception is when people are talking about Love, then maybe they don't see me as approachable, even though I am. I don't make fools out of people for asking me things that are of a romantic nature, 'cause I know how that feels. So, just be assured that I am approachable if you want to wait 'til after your sebaticle to even think about getting to know me. Ok? That's all I really wanted, was to let people know that I'm available and that I won't laugh at them for asking if I'm single or whatever. Have I said more than a passing aquaintance should have? I don't know. TTYL.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  Uh huh. Right. Sure. Okay…**slowly backing away** I’m just going to go over here, show my boyfriend the emails and let HIM handle things. CREEPY!!!!
  
  

So as you can see, I seem to have a ‘Creepy Guy Magnet’ stuck to my back. (Please note that my boyfriend a.k.a. Special Man Friend is very normal and would never be confused for creepy! He’s also much bigger and scarier than I am which is why I punked out and let HIM talk to Frank.)

Things I've Picked Up Along the Way

1) Guys are wonderful and hurtful and loving and dumb and fun to be around and annoy the crap out of you and are fun to look at and pull your ponytail and don’t have cooties and are really gross and break your heart and love you to pieces.

2) A college student IS physically capable of being awake AND functional by 7:30 AM. It’s neither fun nor pretty but it IS possible.

3) Chips last a lot longer if you keep the bag closed.

4) PMS sucks…always.

5) High School is not the end of the world, or the greatest years of your life...neither is college.

6) Call when you say you’re going to.

7) Don’t eat Crayons…or Play-Doh.

8) The best way to sleep is with the window open, rain falling and a warm body next to you.

9) Forever can be short…or long, depending on how you look at it and who you have to spend it with.

10) It's more fun to go to the mall and not buy a thing…just watch the people.

11) Parents are fantastic to keep around for advice, but their opinions shouldn’t be the end all, be all of your existence.

12) We should use the word “fantastic” more often.

13) Therapists are a wonderful thing. Everyone should see one at some point.

14) Having a baby isn’t nearly as scary as you think it would be…placing her for adoption is.

15) ‘Guy World’ is a very, very, very scary place. When you find that one great guy who can give you an honest glimpse into it, be warned…it’s frightening.

16) Learn from your mistakes. There are so many to make, it sucks when you keep making the same ones over and over.

17) “Your” and “you’re” are two very, very different words…make sure you know the difference. (No one makes me CRAZIER than a person that screws this up!!)

18) Life is a lot more like a merry-go-round than some people want to admit.

19) Always be the teacher’s pet…always. It can never HURT you.

20) Be aggressive in buffet lines.

21) Sharing is caring. OVER-sharing is just plain rude.

22) Girls are fickle…always…for the rest of your life.

23) Barbie does not create an unhealthy body image…our parents do.

24) Speak your mind, but don’t do it in a way that makes people want to slap you.

25) Girls talk about poop, passing gas, raunchy sex and other disgusting/not girly things!

26) Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a little taste of heaven on earth when made just right.

27) We are ALL our own flavor of dork.

28) Stepping out in blind faith can be thrilling, terrifying, relaxing, and liberating…all at the same time.

29) Girls pick out their clothes for the first day of school months in advance. Boys do it that same day…you can tell.

30) Girls want to have sex just as much as guys do, we’re just more suave about the whole thing.

31) There is no “S” at the end of ‘anyway’.

32) I’ve NEVER known what it’s like to work a 9-5 job…neither have any of my parents.

33) I have been blessed with the gift of intuitiveness…and the gift of gab.

34) Parents are human...so are professors.

35) After a certain time at night you start to see double…regardless of whether or not you’ve been drinking.