I'm A REAL Update

Well, you know how it goes. Life throws you a curve ball and you duck, fall on the ground, and lay there stunned for a while. Thankfully the curve ball wasn't necessarily BAD just...different.

First off, I am LOVING my job. The first two weeks were a little rough while I settled into the idea of not being as mentally stimulated as I would like to be at my work. When the oldest person you talk to during the day has only begun exploring the concept of complete sentences in the last twenty-four months, your job CAN BE a little under-stimulating! However, I have finally settled in and am now loving my days with those wee ones.

The two-year old is still cracking me up. Just the other day she walked up to me with her finger up her nose and told me, "Cassie! I can't git it out!" And believe it or not, she wasn't talking about her finger! Rather, she was giving me an update on a stubborn booger she had been fishing out for the past hour. Right now I'm just hoping that this job won't permanently kill any desires I may have had for children of my own. I also have a new found respect for stay-at-home Moms!!! (Oh my goodness, I don't think I have the mental strength to do it.) We'll see if that changes when they're my own!

As far as my living situation is concerned, I'm still at home with the parents. And truly hating every minute of it! In fact, just today I had a little power tussle with my Dad when he stuck his head in my door and asked if I was going to, "leave that bed" any time today. "Of course Dad! When I leave at 6:00 tonight to go to small group." was NOT the answer he was looking for apparently. (I happen to get Thursdays and Fridays off from the job. The family hired a part-time girl to work those days.) It makes my parents nuts that on my "weekends" I'd rather just slug around.

HOWEVER!!!! I may have a lead on a possible apartment. The guy my sister nannies with on the other side of town, is looking for a roomie! In fact, his rent would be $100 cheaper than the rent I'm paying here at my parents'. He and I have become fast friends over the past three months and we could totally live with one another and not want to slit our wrists.

There is only ONE huge obstacle to this possible arrangement.
"You're secretly in love with him?" you ask. Nope! Totally platonic.
"He's a total slob?" No way! Neat as a pin.
"Well then he's a total womanizer and you'll have to deal with his revolving front door!" Actually Sam is a perfect gentleman and is between relationships right now.

So what's the problem? He has a cat!!! And while I am nearly perfect in every way, I do happen to have a severe sensitivity to cat dander. Plus...I hate cats; HIS cat in particular! I have been over to his place numerous times and my allergy meds can head off the WORST symptoms (still some eye itchiness) but his cat is an asshole! We have a mutual hate for one another. In fact, the very first time I EVER visited, the cat shit in my shoe!!!! Not joking...little steaming cat turds were in my shoe. It's been all downhill since then. I've tried feeding it, giving it treats, speaking nicely and petting it. All these attempts have been greeted by hissing, scratching, biting and I was sprayed once.

Sam is completely bewildered. Apparently Shithead usually LOVES girls! He has loved every one of Sam's exes and has never acted this hostile ever in his life. Sam adopted this cat as a kitten from the litter Sam's parents' cats had a little over a year ago. Ironically, Sam's parents' cats LOVE me! (We went over there just to test and see if there was any "genetic" linking to the Cassie hatred. There wasn't.) I jokingly asked Sam if he could trade Shithead for one of the Nice cats from his parents and once again I was hissed at and bit....this time it was Sam. So, right now my moving out is in a holding pattern....because of a cat!

Lastly, an update on the love life. For a while there I was having a little fun with a doctor friend of mine from church but I was really only dating him for the free food and to have a standing date on the weekends. He, on the other hand, was looking for something much more serious so we parted ways. I am just not ready to be anyone's girlfriend! (I am enjoying my freedom.)

There was also a change on the Ex-Special Man Friend front. Ever since he and I had called it quits back in October, we promised to remain "just friends". Sexually it was really easy to do because we are zillions of miles apart from one another, but emotionally, you don't just go from lovers to friends in one phone call. We were still talking everyday. He was still the first person I called whenever something big happened in my life and I was still his most trusted sounding board for all that was going on in his life.

So, on April 1, I decided to take a 90-day hiatus from all communication with him. I told him I needed to get my heart back! He was such an enormous part of my life that when he left for Virginia I felt like I was left with only half of myself...and not the good half! He agreed and we haven't spoken since. It has been incredibly weird not to talk to him everyday. For the first couple days I erased hundreds of text messages that I started out of habit. I found falling asleep almost impossible without my nightly tucking in phone call from him. I still shed some tears over the hole that's in my life right now but that hole will naturally fill-in as I continue to fill my life with new friends, new challenges and new adventures.

I have so much to look forward to I find myself getting up in the morning ANTICIPATING the things on the horizon. I am so very blessed (asshole cats and over-bearing parents aside). All in all, I am very much in love with my life right now. Could I imagine myself in a different life with different choices being made and with SMF still in it? Absolutely! Those images are never far from my imagination. But would I WANT that life? I can honestly say, no. And that's the point! I love my life just as it is and I can't wait to see what's in store around the next corner.

So take that, Life! Pitch all the curve balls you want...this girl will ALWAYS get back up to bat.

Lordy!

Why, I DO declare!! It has been WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long since my last update. For those of you dying to know (or those of you who are procrastinating at work), life has been moving pretty quickly lately.

1) I have moved to Rockford, IL to live my father and his family. This has been a tremendous blessing in disguise seeing as I was not expecting so much support and concern for my well-being. (More on that at a later date....possibly, or you may just have to trust me without an explanation.)

2) I am currently in the process of trying to find a FULL-TIME job in retail. (I know, I should just keep dreamin' and get a REAL job for crying out loud.) I was bitten by the Retail Bug six years ago and it has taken me this long to realize that retail is just what I do best! Not school, not administrative stuff, RETAIL! So, I'm attempting to take the next step in my career by being hired on as an assistant manager.... somewhere.... anywhere.... PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY WOULD SOMEONE JUST HIRE ME???? Ann Taylor? Chico's??? KMart?!?!?! Bueller? Bueller?

3) One of the many ripples I am dealing with from moving out here is that I no longer am able to get to church on a regular basis. So this leaves me stranded in Rockford without face-to-face contact with my friends, boyfriend and church family. It blows goats, yo!! However, as soon as I get a job I will have a car to use and will therefore be going to church regularly (when I'm not required to work). Le sigh....

4) Distance and lack of "date" opportunities have resulted in Special Man Friend and I becoming rather cranky and snippy with one another. I wouldn't say things are TURBULENT, we're just edgy and anxious. Currently we are both in a state of limbo regarding some big things in our lives but once the last couple pieces fall into place, we will be able to start seeing one another more regularly and that will help with the grumpiness. Until then.....we're both pretty lucky there ARE so many miles between the two of us. I'm relatively certain one of us would be dead by now if we lived in the same zip code.....and boy would I miss him.

5) Will I EVER go back to school???? More than likely. Do I have an exact idea of how much time I plan on taking off before I go back? Not at all. Am I even remotely concerned with that aspect of my life right at this very moment? Nope....and that's okay. I know that I will one day go back to school because in order to get where I want to go in my career, I will need a degree. (Yup, even in RETAIL they expect it. LOL!) However I feel no need to jump back into the school routine right at this moment. Things are fine as is, and I'm content to leave them that way for the time being.

6) I am a broke freakin' joke right now! Last week I had eleven dollars in my bank account but had to spend ten of them on Time of The Month Products. (Lame!) This depressing detail has resulted in my father trying to cheer me up.....constantly.....with wine. The man is determined to turn me into a wine connoseur by the time I'm thirty. Bless my dad's little heart though, he and I will bust open a bottle of wine, pop up some Orville Redenbacher and sit till the wee hours of the morning solving all the problems of the world. He's a wonderful guy and I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to make up for lost time with him. (Although I will admit I haven't gone to bed drunk this many consecutive nights ever before in my life...AND I WAS A SORORITY GIRL!)

I think that just about covers everything. I'm now living in a new city, with new people, a new outlook on life, and a new appreiciation for fermented grapes. Judging by that, I'd say things are splendid!

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot date with the classifieds. Fantastic!

The One where I Just Ramble While I Work Things Out

I just got off the phone with my older step-sister. We talked for an hour. This is huge....HUGE!!! We have never talked that long. Even if you put the two of us in the same room and held a gun to our heads, we would STILL have to work at filling an hour of time. In the psychology world we call this a "breakthrough".

My step-sister and I found ourselves living under the same roof when her father and my mother decided to get married. Her Tragedy Timeline is a bit different, but for me my parents' divorce was finalized on my eighth birthday (Literally. My father was served the papers for signature right as I blew out my candles) and each parent was remarried to a different person before my ninth birthday (Mom was Jan 13 and Dad was Jan 31...I stood up in both). It was a helluva year for this little broken hearted girl. Moving on...

My step-father was (is) a 'good' Evangelical which means he's white, he believes in "spare the rod, spoil the child", and votes Republican.....always, forever and ever amen. My father was (is) a narcissistic, immature man that was (is) unable to relate to anyone outside of his head...aka young, heartbroken daughters. Both men were (are) angry. Both men felt (feel) slighted. Both men were born without the 'compassion' and 'empathy' chips. And mostly, both men were (are) inept at raising children.

Que Serra, Serra. Too bad, so sad. Get over it and move on, right? Nope....not for girls. For some reason, little girls have been designed to be almost completely dependent on their fathers in order to form healthy and coherent self-images. (I'm not making this up, pick up ANY psych book printed since 1990. This is cold hard fact. Girls need Dads. Plain and simple.)

So suddenly here were two little girls only nine months apart now forced to relate to one another as sisters. In the Blaine household, the word "step" was NEVER to be uttered. Not in reference to siblings and especially not in reference to parents. As for the other halves of our families that we were no longer to identify ourselves with....well, I didn't have a Dad and a step-dad, I now had a Dad and an "Other" Dad (referring to the man who had been with my Mother the day I came home from the hospital). Amanda (older step-sis) didn't have a mother and a step-mother, she had a Mom and an "Other Mom" (referring to the woman who carried her for nine months and spent 19 hours in labor with her). That was our new life. We were to like it. We were to move on. (Apparently The Brady Bunch seemed like a realistic standard for my parents.)

So fast forward for a bit. Mandy will be finished with grad school in May. She has had a 4.0 GPA since they first start figuring out GPA's in middle school. Her younger sister is the social butterfly. I'm smart, but I'm pretty, I flirt and I enjoy the attention of guys. (Do you see where this is going?) Our parents ALWAYS compared us to each other. "Why can't you settle down and get good grades like your sister?"; "Why don't you have as many friends as your sister?"; "You are never going to achieve the things your sister will."; "You need to be more like your sister."

Needless to say. We decided to manage our heartache in different ways as we got older. Mandy became the youngest, full-time, college level debate coach in the history of Large State University. Cassie became the partying, drinking, teenage mother and placed her baby for adoption. Cassie flitted from one relationship to another without so much as an emotional scratch and Mandy fell in love with her high school sweetheart, broke up with him when he left for college and hasn't forgiven herself since. Mandy decided that she couldn't the attention of her father with her grades and since he never told her she was pretty, she started eating and doubled her weight in 3 years time. Cassie decided that she couldn't get the attention of her father with her grades and since he never told her she was pretty, she started having one night stands at the age of 16. Here's the story of two lovely ladies...

Where am I going with this? Well just today I had a one hour conversation with Amanda when she called telling me that she thought she was losing her mind because she finally contacted that long lost high school sweetheart that she hasn't moved on from.

Over the course of this hour I was able to tell her how beautiful, strong, capable, incredible, lovable, courageous, independent, and faithful she is. She cried. I cried. Her heart was so happy to finally hear all the things she needed to hear as a little girl. I didn't lie to her! She is all of those things....and MORE!! I just wish she could see that. (I wish we both could see who we truly are.)
There is still a grieving, scared, heart broken little girl inside both of us. Lame? Maybe. The truth? Absolutely. And you know what, I have learned that there is a grieving, scared, heart broken little girl inside some of the most beautiful, strongest, most capable, incredible, lovable, courageous, independent, and faithful women I know.

I realize now that because of all I've been through and have been able to overcome, I now have a burden for these women. I want to find every hurting, unloved, scared, abused and discarded woman in the world and let her know that she is precious. She is so indcredibly amazing merely because.....she is a woman!








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UPDATE: At the time of publication (aka the moment I pushed the Publish button), my Mother called having a melt-down about things going on in HER life. Screw the 'I want to find hurting women' scenario. I'm just gonna get my Master's in Counseling Psych and start charging my family $100 an hour. I'll be a millionaire before I'm 30.

The One with My Mother and The Jelly.

Alright....I'm calling on the powers of all the "Mommies" that swing by my site. Here's the deal, I think my mother is trying to kill me and I need to know if this is okay.

I don't know if any of my dear readers have ever had this habit, but everytime I walk in my Mother's house I automatically open the refridgerator door. My whole molecular balance gets thrown off if I don't get the chance to open the fridge, stick my head in and say, "I'm starving. What do you have to eat?" Even after eating out with my parents and riding back to their place, complaining the whole way about how stuffed I am, I will walk in the front door and promptly open the fridge. It's just a natural phenomenom.

Today was no different. I agreed to spend the weekend with my parents so I could help serve my Mom's retirement luncheon at church on Sunday. I wasn't in her house for longer than 8 minutes before I found my way to the kitchen and stuck my head in her fridge. She was in the process of making me clam chowder and I STILL HAD TO OPEN THE FRIDGE!! I decided that I couldn't wait for the soup and had to eat RIGHT NOW! I pulled out the fixin's for a PB & J sandwich and got to work.

I spent 45 seconds selecting the most perfectly shaped, symmetrical pieces of bread. I performed a thorough and scientific Taste Benefit ratio on the differences between Grape and Strawberry jelly. I chose the perfect knife for the job....definitely a butter knife but not too skinny or it wouldn't properly get the jelly out of the jar. I poured myself a frothy glass of milk in anticipation of a tasty "old school" lunch. I placed all of my supplies on the counter and got busy.

Suddenly there was a fluke! The jelly wouldn't open!! No amount of grunting, pouting, foot stomping, whining and jumping up and down would open that stupid jar. What Stupid Jar didn't know was, I WAS GOING TO HAVE GRAPE JELLY DAMN IT!!

I decided to run the jar under some hot water in hopes of loosening the sticky jelly glue that was holding my lunch hostage. While I was holding my prisoner under water and tapping my foot, I happened to glance down at the label and almost dropped the jar. There on it's purply little side was the nice neat printing saying, "BEST IF PURCHASED BY 06 2004". WHAT the?!?!?!?

Me: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (In Chi-town all good children refer to their mothers as "Mah". Make it super nasally and you've got it.) Why do we have jelly from 2003?!?!?!?! That's just wrong!!! No wonder the jar wouldn't open! It was trying to save me from certain death.

Mah: Oh stop! It's jelly. You can eat it for years and years and be just fine.

Me: Mah! That's assuming you BUY A NEW JAR EVERY YEAR! EWwwwwwww. That's just gross.

Mah: Cut it out. If I had made the sandwich for you, you wouldn't have known any different.

Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww!

Mah: Just stop it and make yer sandwich. (FYI "Yer" is not just a quirky internet spelling of 'your' and 'you're'...that's really how it's pronounced (or PERnounced) in these parts.)

Me: Never mind. I'm not hungry. I'll wait for the soup. Do you want me to throw this away or put it back in the fridge?

Mah: Are you gonna (gunna) eat it next year???

Me: NO!!!!!

Mah: Then just throw it out if yer gunna be sucha baby. I'll get new jelly at the store on Monday.

She was really okay with feeding me three year old jelly?!? What other crazy, unsanitary things do you loony Mah's do?!?!? I've seen the 'lick and stick' technique of cleaning pacifiers, but what have you done lately that DCFS should really know about???





PS: The pink was getting to me. I decided to change up the colors.....I think we've figured out that I'm a girl. Let's move on, shall we??

The Sass is Back!

HI!!! Remember me?!? Yeah...I'm still here. I was throttled with some big life changes lately and have been recovering ever since. In short, I was in a whirlwind, now I'm out and HERE I AM...ready to blog. So! Let's get started.


If you want a good test for a possible life partner, travel together. Ummmm....yeah. Wow! It can be wonderfully eye-opening. (I don't mean for this to sound so negatively foreshadowing! Special Man Friend and I are still going strong and quite happy.)

This Christmas he and I spent the holidays with his family in Georgia. It was my first experience with his extended family and also my first EXTENDED stay in The ATL! Let me tell ya'll...I wanna live in the south. Except for the fact that my Midwest Farmer's Daughter accent was quite the novelty and if I had to say the words "pajamas", "Georgia", "soda", and "syrup" one more time I was going to throw grits at someone!

We arrived on the 27th and stayed till the 1st. (We were supposed to leave on the 31st but more on that later.) It didn't take either of us long to figure out that we traveled well together. He schlepped and I walked along looking pretty...it was a wonderful arrangement. ;-)

It was also quickly established that I was "Hold This" girl. Baggage claim tickets, state id's, boarding passes, snacks for the plane, reading materials and other miscellaneous travel necessities were silently handed over his right shoulder with the implication that I was to "Hold This". (Which is fine because I was the one with the newly purchased, oh-so-adorable carry-on bag.)

Anyway....we finally reached ATL and I quickly fell in love. The weather, the houses, the history, the fact that every freaking street is called Peachtree...it was all so wonderful.

Our first stop was the home of SMF's grandparents. They come from old Southern ("properly" pronounced it sound like Suh-thuhn rather than my tendency to say Su-thERRRRn...I come from a city that LOOOOOVES to chew its consonants.)

Mr. and Mrs. Special Man Friend were the ones I was actually most worried about meeting. SMF is their first grandson and by far their favorite. The list of girls deemed worthy of SMF is notoriously short and entries include, Mrs. Special Man Friend herself, SMF's first girlfriend Closet Psycho Bitch, and the Virgin Mary. So I knew going in I was being held to some pretty unrealistic standards. The family joke is that the only reason Mother Theresa is not on the list is because she's Catholic. So...yeah, I was more than a little intimidated.

But after a few rounds of questions that made the Spanish Inquisition look like a friendly chat while drinking tea and eating finger sandwhiches, I was given the "Silent Nod". If an answer to a question was 'correct' there was a tandem Silent Nod from the Grandparents. I received a grand total of 13 Silent Nods!! According to SMF's sister, this is unheard of and I was lucky to escape the house without a ring on my finger. The Grandparents even called SMF to let him know how impressed with me they were. SMF was thrilled and I think secretly I made it through a VERY important hoop.

The day before we left, The Grandparents hosted a Christmas get-together with SMF's paternal cousins in attendance. This group was much more laid back and easy to get along with. They seemed happy to see us together and I was excited to finally meet some of the people SMF grew up with.

Our next stop on The ATL tour was SMF's Older Sis's house. She was thrilled to meet me and admitted that she checked my MySpace page frequently to get a better idea of "that girl SMF is seeing". She and her family are loud, out going and just generally fun people. I had a blast hanging out with SMF's nieces and Younger Sis. He treated all us girls to a showing of Happy Feet where the girls got to share goofy stories of SMF's childhood and he and I found out what's happening on the High School Girl's social scene.

And last but not least, I met SMF's mother. She is a very sweet, good-hearted person. Her book knowledge is lacking but her genuine caring for others is evident. She'll be the first to admit that she wasn't the best mother but she's changing some ways.

SMF is thoroughly pleased with how much his family liked me. For months he had been assuring me that they would love me, but I think even he was unsure. When we were on the plane on the way back, he told me some of the favorite things they asked him about me.

"Is she always so sweet?" (No...I just smell that way! ;-))
"Does she always dress so nice?" (Yeah I try to but there are definitely days I spend in sweats.)
"How does she get her hair so straight and shiny?" (It's called Matrix sleek look Sealing Serum!)
"Does she have sisters?" (Hahaha!! Yes, but we couldn't be MORE different if we tried.)
"Will she let me be a bridesmaid?" (Ummm....we'll see.)
"Has she REALLY never committed a crime?" (Apparently I look TOO innocent...I told you his Grandparents were a little unrealistic!)


All in all it was a success. I'm glad to be back. I've moved back to Tiny Christian University and we had our first day of classes today. On my plate I have:
Cognitive Behavioral Psychology
Concert Choir
Understanding the New Testament
Intro to Health and Wellness (affectionately termed Wealth and Hellness)
Critical Thinking and Writing (please stick bamboo shoots under my nails...it would be waaaay more appealing than taking this class!!!)
Research Methods and Design
1-hr Private Voice Lessons

As you can see, I have more than enough to keep me out of trouble. I should tell SMF to let The Grandparents know that I don't even have TIME to commit a felony and they can rest easy...for now!

Here's the Story of Two Lovely Sisters

All you need to know is that we're sisters. And we're not biologically related!

This is my Baby Sister. She's a Froshy at Large Well-Known Public University.

























We were having some fun at Thanksgiving this evening. And yes, we're ALWAYS crazy like this.





















This is her audition photo for Herbal Essences!

























Sometimes she's scary on SOOOO many levels!

That would be a cracker in her mouth.

Yup...this is life with my Baby Sis. She rocks my socks off!

Sometimes we behave ourselves.....sometimes.

Holiday Madness...No Really, This is Craziness!

Truthfully...there's not a whole helluva lot goin on around here. The campus pretty much dies on the weekends. And HOLIDAY weekends?? This is place is a freakin ghost town.

I'm thrilled I'm able to go home. The Mother Figure in My Life is going to be here shortly to whisk me away to the 2006 Family Holiday Madness Kickoff (aka Thanksgiving Day). I know the holidays are a crazy time for EVERYONE but sometimes I wonder if anyone could ever survive MY holidays.

When my Parental Units decided to call it quits 14 years ago, they chose "Joint Parenting" terms for their divorce (load of baloney that crock is....but I'm in therapy for it, so it's all good). This means that my Christmas Break was split in half. Mother Figure had us (me and Baby Sis) until Christmas Eve, then Christmas Day @ 10AM we were officially Father Figure's. Seems pretty 'not so crazy', right?

[Side note: My older step siblings were also Survivors of Divorce from StepFather's first marriage. They had the same schedule Baby Sis and I had....the only plus in the whole mess.]

WRONG! This scheduling meant that Mother Figure crammed in as many family activities as possible on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve we woke up at the most ungodly hour a child must be forced to endure. Every child and parent was showered, primped and dressed by 10AM. We all loaded into the car and headed to Event #1: Christmas Eve with Mom's Extended Family. It was a brunch and we ate and ate and ate and ate. Then we hurried out the door by 1 to make it to Event #2: Christmas Eve with Mom's Sister.

Mother Figure's Sister fed us 'early dinner' (4pm). Mind you we just sat in a car for two hours after eating our weight in food. Obviously the only logical thing to do was eat MORE!

Christmas Eve Event #3 started promptly @ 7 which meant we raced out from my aunt's to make it to Christmas Eve with StepFather's Mother and Extended Family. This little get-together never had any LESS than 60 people! And of course, the only way you're going to get 60 people in the same room together is promise them food. So................we eat............AGAIN!!!

Then at 9:30 we hustle ourselves out the door to make it home by 10, we change and get to church by 11.

FINALLY!!!!! At 12:30 we limp our way home one final time and the kids are finally allowed to do the ONE thing they've been wanting to do all day, open some freaking presents!

Then @ 8AM, all children are DRAGGED from their comfy, toasty warm beds to have Christmas Breakfast as a Family. And then promptly at 10AM the kids were handed off.


Rinse. Shampoo in Different Family. Repeat till Parents are Satisfied.