The One with My Mother and The Jelly.

Alright....I'm calling on the powers of all the "Mommies" that swing by my site. Here's the deal, I think my mother is trying to kill me and I need to know if this is okay.

I don't know if any of my dear readers have ever had this habit, but everytime I walk in my Mother's house I automatically open the refridgerator door. My whole molecular balance gets thrown off if I don't get the chance to open the fridge, stick my head in and say, "I'm starving. What do you have to eat?" Even after eating out with my parents and riding back to their place, complaining the whole way about how stuffed I am, I will walk in the front door and promptly open the fridge. It's just a natural phenomenom.

Today was no different. I agreed to spend the weekend with my parents so I could help serve my Mom's retirement luncheon at church on Sunday. I wasn't in her house for longer than 8 minutes before I found my way to the kitchen and stuck my head in her fridge. She was in the process of making me clam chowder and I STILL HAD TO OPEN THE FRIDGE!! I decided that I couldn't wait for the soup and had to eat RIGHT NOW! I pulled out the fixin's for a PB & J sandwich and got to work.

I spent 45 seconds selecting the most perfectly shaped, symmetrical pieces of bread. I performed a thorough and scientific Taste Benefit ratio on the differences between Grape and Strawberry jelly. I chose the perfect knife for the job....definitely a butter knife but not too skinny or it wouldn't properly get the jelly out of the jar. I poured myself a frothy glass of milk in anticipation of a tasty "old school" lunch. I placed all of my supplies on the counter and got busy.

Suddenly there was a fluke! The jelly wouldn't open!! No amount of grunting, pouting, foot stomping, whining and jumping up and down would open that stupid jar. What Stupid Jar didn't know was, I WAS GOING TO HAVE GRAPE JELLY DAMN IT!!

I decided to run the jar under some hot water in hopes of loosening the sticky jelly glue that was holding my lunch hostage. While I was holding my prisoner under water and tapping my foot, I happened to glance down at the label and almost dropped the jar. There on it's purply little side was the nice neat printing saying, "BEST IF PURCHASED BY 06 2004". WHAT the?!?!?!?

Me: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (In Chi-town all good children refer to their mothers as "Mah". Make it super nasally and you've got it.) Why do we have jelly from 2003?!?!?!?! That's just wrong!!! No wonder the jar wouldn't open! It was trying to save me from certain death.

Mah: Oh stop! It's jelly. You can eat it for years and years and be just fine.

Me: Mah! That's assuming you BUY A NEW JAR EVERY YEAR! EWwwwwwww. That's just gross.

Mah: Cut it out. If I had made the sandwich for you, you wouldn't have known any different.

Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww!

Mah: Just stop it and make yer sandwich. (FYI "Yer" is not just a quirky internet spelling of 'your' and 'you're'...that's really how it's pronounced (or PERnounced) in these parts.)

Me: Never mind. I'm not hungry. I'll wait for the soup. Do you want me to throw this away or put it back in the fridge?

Mah: Are you gonna (gunna) eat it next year???

Me: NO!!!!!

Mah: Then just throw it out if yer gunna be sucha baby. I'll get new jelly at the store on Monday.

She was really okay with feeding me three year old jelly?!? What other crazy, unsanitary things do you loony Mah's do?!?!? I've seen the 'lick and stick' technique of cleaning pacifiers, but what have you done lately that DCFS should really know about???





PS: The pink was getting to me. I decided to change up the colors.....I think we've figured out that I'm a girl. Let's move on, shall we??