My Life is a Romantic Comedy

Remember Sam? Remember how I said it was totally platonic? Remember when my life was simple? Remember when I WASN'T AN IDIOT?!?!?

Remember?!?

I DO!

Then one night my Platonic Feelings, my Sobriety, and my Inhibitions peaced out, left me to fend for myself and chaos ensued.

Let's rewind a little bit, shall we?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About two weeks after my last post, I suddenly had the sinking feeling that my feelings for Sam were no longer platonic. It hit me out of the blue when he was leaning over to grab something on the other side of the table and I caught a whiff of his cologne. I have always been a HUGE sucker for Man Scent, but I was able to keep my shit together long enough to run to my bathroom, look myself in the mirror and scream, "What!! Are you fucking stupid?!?!?" After that, the night continued on uneventfully and I chalked it up to being in desperate need for some manly affection and moved on.

Then the following night as Sam was sitting next to my sister checking out something on her laptop, I looked up from my magazine and was suddenly overtaken by the urge to kiss along his jawline. Once again I excused myself and screamed into my pillow for a good five minutes.


*PAUSE*

I know you're beginning to wonder why I was so doggedly resisting these feelings. There was a VERY good reason. A reason I wasn't ready to admit to myself. A reason I couldn't overlook because it could have meant possibly hurting someone I care more about than any other person on this planet.

*PLAY*

After the screaming, I laced up my gym shoes and decided to get a little physical exercise while I contemplated all I had been feeling. As I was leaving, I heard these words:

"Hey Cass! I'll go with you. I haven't gotten any physical activity at all today!"

*PAUSE*

This is where Smart Cass would have said, "That's okay Sam. I'll go by myself. I need the solitude."

But the script went something like this instead:

"Sure! Sounds good."

From then on, Sam and I got together everyday to take nightly walks and chit chat about life. The entire time all this was going on I realized I was playing with fire. I was WELL aware of the fact that Third Degree Burns were really the only possible outcome. And yet, I continued to walk right into the blaze.

*PAUSE*

I am going to take this moment to share a fact with you. I have ALWAYS been better friends with guys than girls. I get guys. We jive well. Their simpler, more compartmentalized way of thinking appeals to me and we communicate easily with each other. What am I trying to say? I very, VERY quickly became Sam's closest friend and confidant.

Another fun fact? I also happen to be EXTREMELY intuitive......almost to the point of clairvoyance! Just keep those facts tucked away...they'll come in handy later.


*MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE RANCH*

This past Wednesday after Sam and I finished our walk, he invited me along to have some beers with his friends. I agreed and off we went. (Hear that??? That's the sound of Sobriety and Inhibitions packing their bags!)

Fast forward past my 4 beers and his 3 straight vodkas and you'll find us stumbling up to my front door.

"Cass, mind if I come in for a bit? I can't drive right now."

"Sure! Sounds good." (Sound familiar????)

"Cool, thanks."

We headed to the kitchen table where I set us up with some water.

"You know Cass, the only reason I'm going to be able to say this is because I drank too much tonight, but here it goes. I think I'm attracted to someone I really shouldn't be. I mean...I don't know what she'll think about the whole thing. She's such a good friend. I love the way she makes me feel! She gets me! And seriously Cass, I haven't been sexually attracted to her the entire time I've known her...until recently. All of sudden I just saw her differently and I realized I want to be WITH her! Cass....I think I could be in love with this girl.....Aren't you going to ask who it is?"

"I already know. You're attracted to my sister."

"How do you know that?!?!? I just realized it this morning!"

"Sam, I've been watching you watch her for the past three months. Your face gives you away. Don't play poker by the way...you'd suck."

"Wow. So?? What do you think?"

"Well, I've been dropping hints with her for weeks now and I know without a doubt where she stands."

"Oh. Okay, tell me how bad it is. Truthfully. I'm drunk....it's won't hurt as much."

"Truthfully, she's not interested. She thinks you two are TOO similar and she just doesn't see you that way. She also loves your friendship too much to risk being anything more."

"Oh. I kind of thought so."

"She's also very, very young. You two are at different stages in life. I think you'd be better off looking somewhere else for a relationship."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm really ready to be in a relationship that may not end."

*FAST FORWARD OVER MORE TALKING*

"Look Sam, I don't mind continuing to talk about this but I have GOT to lay down before I fall off my chair."

"Okay. Here. Lay down on the couch."

"Great. So where were we? Oh right, you want to marry my sister. What else do you want to know?"

"Nothing. Actually, I'm done talking about that. Tell me about YOUR life."

*FAST FORWARD*
After talking for over four hours, he's now reclined in the couch and I have my head in his lap so he can scratch my head while we talk. (I know!! FIRE!! Danger, danger Will Robinson! I realize this...trust me.) Suddenly Sam decides to utter THESE words:

"Huh. Maybe I fell for the wrong girl."

At that point he leaned over and kissed me. And we kissed for a good long time. And it was great. And we both really liked it. And it felt right.....totally natural and comfortable.

Then he looked at me and said,

"What the hell am I doing? I'm so sorry. I've got to go. I'll text you tomorrow."

He left after that and we've been texting and acting as if everything is totally cool. We hang out nearly everyday and talk about everything under the sun. He still has feelings for my sister and can't seem to get past them so he's not really interested in pursuing anything. I still have questions about what exactly I'm looking for and what I want right now so I'm not really wanting things to go any further either. For now we're going to throw a table cloth over that elephant in the room and just use it as an end table. Truthfully, that's all either of us have the mental and emotional capacity to do right now.

So where does that leave me??? Well, right here. Blogging. While I wish things had happened a LITTLE differently, I'm okay with just waiting this whole thing out. I think...

I'm A REAL Update

Well, you know how it goes. Life throws you a curve ball and you duck, fall on the ground, and lay there stunned for a while. Thankfully the curve ball wasn't necessarily BAD just...different.

First off, I am LOVING my job. The first two weeks were a little rough while I settled into the idea of not being as mentally stimulated as I would like to be at my work. When the oldest person you talk to during the day has only begun exploring the concept of complete sentences in the last twenty-four months, your job CAN BE a little under-stimulating! However, I have finally settled in and am now loving my days with those wee ones.

The two-year old is still cracking me up. Just the other day she walked up to me with her finger up her nose and told me, "Cassie! I can't git it out!" And believe it or not, she wasn't talking about her finger! Rather, she was giving me an update on a stubborn booger she had been fishing out for the past hour. Right now I'm just hoping that this job won't permanently kill any desires I may have had for children of my own. I also have a new found respect for stay-at-home Moms!!! (Oh my goodness, I don't think I have the mental strength to do it.) We'll see if that changes when they're my own!

As far as my living situation is concerned, I'm still at home with the parents. And truly hating every minute of it! In fact, just today I had a little power tussle with my Dad when he stuck his head in my door and asked if I was going to, "leave that bed" any time today. "Of course Dad! When I leave at 6:00 tonight to go to small group." was NOT the answer he was looking for apparently. (I happen to get Thursdays and Fridays off from the job. The family hired a part-time girl to work those days.) It makes my parents nuts that on my "weekends" I'd rather just slug around.

HOWEVER!!!! I may have a lead on a possible apartment. The guy my sister nannies with on the other side of town, is looking for a roomie! In fact, his rent would be $100 cheaper than the rent I'm paying here at my parents'. He and I have become fast friends over the past three months and we could totally live with one another and not want to slit our wrists.

There is only ONE huge obstacle to this possible arrangement.
"You're secretly in love with him?" you ask. Nope! Totally platonic.
"He's a total slob?" No way! Neat as a pin.
"Well then he's a total womanizer and you'll have to deal with his revolving front door!" Actually Sam is a perfect gentleman and is between relationships right now.

So what's the problem? He has a cat!!! And while I am nearly perfect in every way, I do happen to have a severe sensitivity to cat dander. Plus...I hate cats; HIS cat in particular! I have been over to his place numerous times and my allergy meds can head off the WORST symptoms (still some eye itchiness) but his cat is an asshole! We have a mutual hate for one another. In fact, the very first time I EVER visited, the cat shit in my shoe!!!! Not joking...little steaming cat turds were in my shoe. It's been all downhill since then. I've tried feeding it, giving it treats, speaking nicely and petting it. All these attempts have been greeted by hissing, scratching, biting and I was sprayed once.

Sam is completely bewildered. Apparently Shithead usually LOVES girls! He has loved every one of Sam's exes and has never acted this hostile ever in his life. Sam adopted this cat as a kitten from the litter Sam's parents' cats had a little over a year ago. Ironically, Sam's parents' cats LOVE me! (We went over there just to test and see if there was any "genetic" linking to the Cassie hatred. There wasn't.) I jokingly asked Sam if he could trade Shithead for one of the Nice cats from his parents and once again I was hissed at and bit....this time it was Sam. So, right now my moving out is in a holding pattern....because of a cat!

Lastly, an update on the love life. For a while there I was having a little fun with a doctor friend of mine from church but I was really only dating him for the free food and to have a standing date on the weekends. He, on the other hand, was looking for something much more serious so we parted ways. I am just not ready to be anyone's girlfriend! (I am enjoying my freedom.)

There was also a change on the Ex-Special Man Friend front. Ever since he and I had called it quits back in October, we promised to remain "just friends". Sexually it was really easy to do because we are zillions of miles apart from one another, but emotionally, you don't just go from lovers to friends in one phone call. We were still talking everyday. He was still the first person I called whenever something big happened in my life and I was still his most trusted sounding board for all that was going on in his life.

So, on April 1, I decided to take a 90-day hiatus from all communication with him. I told him I needed to get my heart back! He was such an enormous part of my life that when he left for Virginia I felt like I was left with only half of myself...and not the good half! He agreed and we haven't spoken since. It has been incredibly weird not to talk to him everyday. For the first couple days I erased hundreds of text messages that I started out of habit. I found falling asleep almost impossible without my nightly tucking in phone call from him. I still shed some tears over the hole that's in my life right now but that hole will naturally fill-in as I continue to fill my life with new friends, new challenges and new adventures.

I have so much to look forward to I find myself getting up in the morning ANTICIPATING the things on the horizon. I am so very blessed (asshole cats and over-bearing parents aside). All in all, I am very much in love with my life right now. Could I imagine myself in a different life with different choices being made and with SMF still in it? Absolutely! Those images are never far from my imagination. But would I WANT that life? I can honestly say, no. And that's the point! I love my life just as it is and I can't wait to see what's in store around the next corner.

So take that, Life! Pitch all the curve balls you want...this girl will ALWAYS get back up to bat.

Season Two, Episode 1

So how did SMF and I finally end it??? Not easily that's for sure! (But when are those things ever EASY?!??!?)

So, for entertainment's sake I'm going to provide a timeline that should vaguely recreate my Achy Breaky Heart's Journey to Healing....sort of.

Day 1: Sob. Sob sob sob. Google "nooses" and "proper method of tying."

Day 2: SOB SOB SOB OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE. BABY SIS, TIE ME A NOOSE.

Day 3 - Day 10: Etc.

Day 11: Um, fuck this. Kind of. But, additionally: SOB.

Day 12: Ooo, love those shoes! You know, mourning is...boring, a little. Hmm.

Day 13: Actually? Fuck this hard. No more mourning! I am buying me some lady shoes!

Day 14: NO SERIOUSLY. YOU GUYS, KNOW WHAT. I HAVE MADE A COMMAND DECISION HERE. NO MORE MOURNING. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Day 15: YEAH.

Day 16-18: Yeeeaaaah.

(sob.)

Day 19: NO THAT IS RIGHT. FUCK THIS AGAIN. I hereby decide that from now on, ALL I WANT is to be happy. It is time for a shift in perspective! Shift shift shift! I am going to just be happy, with a minimum of sobbing, and a maximum of new shoes. HA. That is called "having goals."

Day 20: Here I am, minding my own business and enjoying my newly shifted perspective! Vegging while reading emails when I come across an email from SMF. Sobbing ensues.

Day 21: What does he MEAN he MIGHT have made a mistake?!?!?!? What a #$@#%!! Baby Sis, come here and help me write an email response that doesn't make me sound clingy and sobby.

Day 21, Part II: OMG!!! Baby Sis, he responded!! Quick! Open it....tell me what it says. Hang on! Don't! But maybe...yes, go ahead. Wait! We have Ben & Jerry's right?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SAID IT WAS A DRUNK EMAIL?!?!?!?!? Who does that??!?!?!? SOB!

Day 22 - Day 28: ((insert regression here)) Oh, and...SOB!

Day 29 - Day 40: Alright! Here we are, Baby Sis! At the gym! Executing plan "Fuck You SMF! Look, I'm Still Hot! And I'll Prove It When I Shed These 10 Extra Ben & Jerry's Pounds!"

Day 41 - 50: Okay, enough with the gym. I'm moving on! Let the shoe shopping and the parade of hot successful men beating down my door commence!

So here I am, Day Eleventy Billion, still waiting for the Hot Parade to start. Although, I'm not really all that enthusiastic to hit the dating scene.

I'm finally enjoying singledom!!! For the first time in FIVE years I do NOT have to worry about someone else's feelings or needs!! I can go to bed without having a long, drawn out tucking in phone call. I can disappear to the Library for hours on end (did I mention I'm unemployed again?) and have no one pester me with text messages. I love that when I DO occasionally make eyes at the hottie behind the S*Bux counter I don't have to feel guilty. And when a guy at the local brewery tells me I have a cute smile, I can flirt shamelessly and ENJOY IT!

As far as blogging is concerned, I think it took me so long to make it back here because I had lived a certain life here for all of you and somehow I thought it was going to be different without SMF in it. Like, I wouldn't have anything funny or valuable to write about without him in my life.

And all of my stewing and self-examination had finally shown me that was how I had been LIVING my life as well! My self-worth had slowly been determined by how much he cared about me. And that is never a good place to be. So, things had to change....and boy did they!

So now, I live in IL and SMF has moved out to Norfolk, VA. Things ended on good terms and for no REAL reason other than the fact that both of us were looking for different things. We were perfect for one another during a very specific time in our lives. And now, we were no longer those same people....in fact, we were hindering each other's personal growth. We decided that we both wanted the other person to be happier than we were and therefore we both needed to go our separate ways in search of that happiness.

And now I'm back to living my life how I see fit. Everyday things seem a little brighter and my future is not so uncertain. I have plans to start at the local community college in the summer and I want to finish my degree in 18 months.

Things have certainly changed a lot since the last time we tuned in but I believe Season 2 is going to be infinitely better than last season. New plot lines, new characters and OF COURSE the ensuing drama when I finally DO decide to pursue the hotties.

Check ya later friends,
~Cass

Lordy!

Why, I DO declare!! It has been WAAAAAAAAAAAAY too long since my last update. For those of you dying to know (or those of you who are procrastinating at work), life has been moving pretty quickly lately.

1) I have moved to Rockford, IL to live my father and his family. This has been a tremendous blessing in disguise seeing as I was not expecting so much support and concern for my well-being. (More on that at a later date....possibly, or you may just have to trust me without an explanation.)

2) I am currently in the process of trying to find a FULL-TIME job in retail. (I know, I should just keep dreamin' and get a REAL job for crying out loud.) I was bitten by the Retail Bug six years ago and it has taken me this long to realize that retail is just what I do best! Not school, not administrative stuff, RETAIL! So, I'm attempting to take the next step in my career by being hired on as an assistant manager.... somewhere.... anywhere.... PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY WOULD SOMEONE JUST HIRE ME???? Ann Taylor? Chico's??? KMart?!?!?! Bueller? Bueller?

3) One of the many ripples I am dealing with from moving out here is that I no longer am able to get to church on a regular basis. So this leaves me stranded in Rockford without face-to-face contact with my friends, boyfriend and church family. It blows goats, yo!! However, as soon as I get a job I will have a car to use and will therefore be going to church regularly (when I'm not required to work). Le sigh....

4) Distance and lack of "date" opportunities have resulted in Special Man Friend and I becoming rather cranky and snippy with one another. I wouldn't say things are TURBULENT, we're just edgy and anxious. Currently we are both in a state of limbo regarding some big things in our lives but once the last couple pieces fall into place, we will be able to start seeing one another more regularly and that will help with the grumpiness. Until then.....we're both pretty lucky there ARE so many miles between the two of us. I'm relatively certain one of us would be dead by now if we lived in the same zip code.....and boy would I miss him.

5) Will I EVER go back to school???? More than likely. Do I have an exact idea of how much time I plan on taking off before I go back? Not at all. Am I even remotely concerned with that aspect of my life right at this very moment? Nope....and that's okay. I know that I will one day go back to school because in order to get where I want to go in my career, I will need a degree. (Yup, even in RETAIL they expect it. LOL!) However I feel no need to jump back into the school routine right at this moment. Things are fine as is, and I'm content to leave them that way for the time being.

6) I am a broke freakin' joke right now! Last week I had eleven dollars in my bank account but had to spend ten of them on Time of The Month Products. (Lame!) This depressing detail has resulted in my father trying to cheer me up.....constantly.....with wine. The man is determined to turn me into a wine connoseur by the time I'm thirty. Bless my dad's little heart though, he and I will bust open a bottle of wine, pop up some Orville Redenbacher and sit till the wee hours of the morning solving all the problems of the world. He's a wonderful guy and I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to make up for lost time with him. (Although I will admit I haven't gone to bed drunk this many consecutive nights ever before in my life...AND I WAS A SORORITY GIRL!)

I think that just about covers everything. I'm now living in a new city, with new people, a new outlook on life, and a new appreiciation for fermented grapes. Judging by that, I'd say things are splendid!

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot date with the classifieds. Fantastic!

My Lame Excuse of An Update

THE INTERNAL WORKINGS OF THE SASS’S BRAIN

Left Brain of Cassie Blaine: Holy potatoes!!! I can’t believe how long it has been since I updated all of my readers regarding my life. I must do that! I must write something NOW NOW NOW.

Right Brain of Cassie Blaine: Oh, hush, mister practical. You know you can’t force the creative process. Just calm down, and soon, we will hear the sweet song of the muse! She will give us our subject, and then she will take us by the hand, and lead us down a path lined with butterflies and ice cream cones.

Left Brain: …Ooookay. Except we don’t have hands.

Right Brain: I am speaking figuratively, Left Brain. You need to think outside the box.

Left Brain: Or, you know, I could ignore your irritating box-talk, and just write something already--which is what I am going to do. I am putting it on my To-Do List right now. See? It is going right here under "Find Full-Time Job Because We Are Not Attending School in the Fall". Let's see....we'll follow that with “Find Apartment in New East Coast Location We Are Moving To" And to round it out, we'll add "Do Laundry or Tomorrow You Have to RECYCLE Your Underwear".

Right Brain: But if you just write any old thing in a blog it won't be sparkly! We shouldn't write now. I think we should sing a song, and then make potholders covered in unicorn glitter.

Left brain: Oh, for the love of GOD, woman, this is a blog. After all this time, it doesn’t need to be beautiful...it just needs to be “not blank.” That is really the only requirement for today: “Not blank.”

Right Brain: You know, when you say things like that, a fairy dies. She just falls down dead.

Left Brain: No fairies die…

Right Brain: FALLS DOWN DEAD--SPLAT. Like that. Because of you.

Left Brain: *Sigh* Oh, we should also get some lunch. I have those healthy leftovers from dinner the other day…

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH.

Left Brain: Or the cafeteria has a spectacular salad ba---

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH!

Left Brain: Holy potatoes, FINE! We will have COOKIE DOUGH for lunch.

Right Brain: (and potato chips.)

Left Brain: AND POTATO CHIPS. Okay. Then we work.

Right Brain: Noooo, then we daydream!

Left Brain: We don’t have time to daydream. We have to write! Write, write, write.

Right Brain: Hey! Lefty! Check out that hot guy over there!!! WOW!

Left Brain: WHERE?!?

Right Brain: Made you look! You know what? Sometimes I wish I were Queen of the World. Then they would bring me all hot male actors on big platters. I could have a buffet of glistening man-entrees! Why doesn’t anyone ever bring me a man on a plate? I’ve been good!

Left Brain: I…what in the world are you talking about?

Right Brain: Do you think Santa could bring me men on plates?

Left Brain: No. I don’t. And we have to blog now. We should blog about…

Right Brain: Men on plates! And Santa.

Left Brain: NO. Let’s write about how much work we’ve been doing while being a live-in nanny this---

Right Brain: Oh, snore. We are NOT going to piss and moan about our workload. That's so boring, plus you do that all the time.

Left Brain: Well, all you’ve come up with is “Men on Plates” and "cookie dough with potato chips for lunch".

Right Brain: And Santa!

Left Brain: Yes. Exactly. Let us not forget Santa. You are making my point for me, thank you.

Right Brain: Hey, Captain Boring! Wanna know what I really like? That song from Friends.

Left Brain: No, you don’t.

Right Brain: Oh, indeed I DO. And I shall start singing it right now, until you agree to not blog about how busy you are.

Left Brain: Oh, please…please, don’t do that.

Right Brain: So no one told you life was gonna be this way CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Left Brain: La, la, la, la! I can't hear you!!!!!

Right Brain: Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Left Brain: JESUS, MARY AND JOSPEH! Will you PLEASE SHUT UP?!?

Right Brain: (humming).

Left Brain: Great, thank you.Now I’m singing it. I wonder if it is possible to plan a stroke. To plan a stroke that only affects the RIGHT SIDE OF ONE’S BRAIN.

Right Brain: Oh, let’s not fight. Let’s cuddle.

Left Brain: I don’t WANT to cuddle. I WANT to update the blog, find a full-time job, find a place to live, baby-sit the kids and then do some laundry.... OF MY OWN!

Right Brain: Oooo! Oooo! Maybe if we go to SMF's apartment he'll do our laundry...dressed only in his boxers! That could be fun!

Left Brain: Ugh. NO! I have things to do.....but I DO need to do laundry. Plus, we'd get to cross something off the To-Do List. You know how much I like doing that...

Right Brain: Exactly!!! Then after the shower we can have him get on a big platter and....

Left Brain: STOP IT!!!! I'm not going to his place. We have WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much to do. We certainly do not have time to daydream about SMF on a platter....

Right Brain: Fine, be that way. How 'bout we just go over there and canoodle with SMF?

Left Brain: …well, he does need some canoodling.

Right Brain: And he’s just sitting there all snuggly, wuggly looking....

Left Brain: I HATE YOU.

Right Brain: Do not. I sparkle!

Left Brain: (sob.)

Right Brain: Oh, come on now! Come on, what do you want to do? Do you want to update the blog? Will that make you happy?

Left Brain: No.

Right Brain: Do you want to daydream about men on platters?

Left Brain: NO!

Right Brain: Okay, okay. Do you want to play solitaire?

Left Brain: I…sort of.

Right Brain: Well, okay! THERE WE GO, LITTLE CAMPER. You go play some solitaire, with all that logical, deductive reasoning of yours.

Left Brain: (sniff). Okay. What are you going to do?

Right Brain: Think about Josh Hartnett on a really big platter......doing my laundry in his boxers.

Left Brain: Is that all?

Right Brain: Well, how 'bout I update the blog too?

Left Brain: But…you? Nobody will ever come back! If you write it, they’ll see the innermost workings of Cassie’s brain, and they’ll all run away, screaming.

Right Brain: Oh, hush. It’s better than blank, right?

Left Brain: I mean…yeah. Okay, you’re right. Just…

Right Brain: Yeah?

Left Brain: Promise not to mention the men on platters.

Due to the last entry, SMF believes that he and I use the word “Babe” too much. However I pointed out that although the word may be spelled the same and pronounced the same, it is a TOTALLY different word almost every time we us it.

Such as:


“Babe.” = “Look, I’ll explain this only one more time…” Mainly used by SMF and usually happens afer….

“Ummm…babe?” = “Ummmm…I’m about to ask you something and I might end up looking like Jessica Simpson and her Chicken of the Sea moment, please don’t laugh so hard that you cause injury.” (I use this one more often than I care to admit)

“Babe!” = “If you don’t knock that off right now, I’m going to deck you.” (used by me when SMF decides to work on his NFL tackling skills or used by SMF when I decide to ‘clean out his clogged pores’.)

“Hey Babe.” = Our typical phone greeting

“BABE!” = “No, you don’t look fat. Yes, those shoes match. Yes, yer hair looks great. Yes, I love that dress. Now can we PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, walk out the door so I don’t start eating my own arm?!?” (Look, it’s not MY problem that I want to look good for him! Yeesh.)

“Babe…” = “You exasperate me. You and yer annoying habits irritate the pants off of me. (“No! Not like that! Get off of me!”) Remind me again why we’re dating?” (Used by both of us)

“Baby?????” = “Please, oh please, oh please buy me this!!!!” (Used only by me. Although when SMF hears the ‘Y’ at the end, he suddenly is unable to understand the English language. Jerk.)

“Hey, Babe?” = “Hey, yer closer to whatever it is I’m about to ask you for and I’m too lazy to get up and get it myself.” (Used by both of us, usually when we’re in the throes of a TV induced, comatose state.)

“Awww, babe…” = “Well, shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was just being a testosterone poisoned ass because it’s a day that ends in ‘Y’! I can’t help it!! It just happens. PLEASE DON’T STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME!” (Take a wild guess on who uses this one…)


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UPDATED TO INCLUDE THIS PSA FROM A CERTAIN SPECIAL MAN FRIEND!!

Alright, folks??? Want to know the SITUATIONS that happen to surround the “Baby?????” usage?

Read these two PRIME examples....then tell me I'm a jerk. (Keep in mind that this is the girl that wants a total of 14 people in our wedding party!!! I'm trying to save money here.)

1) We were at the mall and I got distracted by the Sharper Image displays. I let her out of my sight for ONE SECOND!! (I know! I know! Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.) Next thing I know she's in a jewelry store with a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR DIAMOND on her finger. She's standing there looking all cute, showin' off her clevage and battin' her eyelashes sayin, “Baby?????” Um, yeah. In that case, NO HABLO INGLES!

2) We're leaving the movie theater and heading towards my car. Suddenly she darts out of my reach and she's standing next to a little red Miata doing the “Baby?????” routine. My only response was to start chattin up the blonde who getting into her car and wouldn't you know it??? Suddenly Cass materializes next to my arm and is murderously quiet while I finish my conversation with the blonde regarding her windshield wipers.


Okay....let it rip. I'm a big jerk.

The One with the Text Messages

Okay, so remember way back when....I mentioned something about SMF and I working on something hilarious. And then it never came? Remember?

Well here it is. Special Man Friend and I spent countless hours reconstructing ACTUAL text message/IM conversations we have had in the last month.

So, as usual, please remember that these conversations ACTUALLY happened. You know what's even better??? These are TEXT MESSAGES people!!! Texting. Over phones. From different locations. (You'll quickly see why we need "Unlimited Text Messages" on every cellular plan.)

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ME: HI BABY! HI! HI! IT’S MORNING AND I’M TOTALLY STOKED TO SEE YOU!!! HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY??? DID YOU SEE LOTS OF TITTIES?!?!?!?
SMF: why? why? please stop. with the caps. and the exclamation points. why? why so much screaming? i’m so hungover.
ME: Sucks to be you…on so many levels.
SMF: i heard that. (and thanks for not screaming.)




SMF: Wakey wakey baby.
SMF: C’mon sweetie, you need to get up now.
SMF: Babe. Answer me. At least let me know you’re alive.
SMF: Okay, I have now called your cell AND your landline! What’s going on?! Why aren’t you answering me???
SMF: BABE!!! I’M NOT KIDDING! YOU BETTER CALL ME OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CALL 911.
ME: Oh, sorry babe. I was out to breakfast with Mom and I had my phone off. Sorry. Tee hee?!
SMF: babe, yer slowly killing me.




ME: What does ‘Fo Shizzle my Nizzle’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ‘For Sure my N*gger’
ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Why haven’t you ever told me this?!?!?!?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yer kidding, right?
ME: NO!!! I have been going around spewing racial slurs?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? Please tell me yer kidding.
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
ME: Oh dear god…I COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
SMF: When were you ANYWHERE that you were in danger of being shot?
ME: I’m just saying!!! You knew and you didn’t tell me?!? Ugh…how long have people been laughing at me???
SMF: For that?? No idea. Laughing at you on general principle??? Probably your entire life I would guess.
ME: i hate you.




ME: You better have Oreos with you when you get here or I may just have to kill you.
SMF: No “Please”? A "Thank You" maybe? Shoot, I’d settle for that sentence in the form of a question at this point.
ME: Babe…would you please bring your PMS-y girlfriend Oreos so she doesn’t eat your face off in a psychotic hormonal rage?
SMF: In that case…Double Stuff or Regular? How bout one of each?




ME: Where are you?!?!? I’ve been waiting at your place for 15 minutes!
SMF: Sorry. I needed TP for my bunghole. ;-)
ME: Oh SICK!!!! Jesus can HEAR you, ya know!!!
SMF: Yeah, He heard it the moment I thought it. So???
ME: Well, you already made Jesus cry! Why subject ME to your sick and twisted mind too?!?!?!
SMF: Just making sure you still want to get married someday.




SMF: Babe, if we were married and I went to a whore house to get a striptease and a sensual massage, would that be cheating?
ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (That was me until you apparently went F-ING RETARDED!)
SMF: Seriously, is that cheating? (Holy crap! She’s massaging him with her bare boobs!!!)
ME: babe, it’s 3AM…are you serious?
SMF: Yeah! Is THAT part of marriage?? Cuz if yes, get yer ass up! We’re going to Vegas!
ME: No. That’s cheating. What the hell are you doing over there anyway?
SMF: Watching a documentary.
ME: Babe, for the LAST TIME…pornography = NOT documentary!!!
SMF: It’s HBO! Of COURSE it’s a documentary!
ME: Phone = Off! Bye!




ME: It’s possible that I could be sitting here listening to Britney Spears’ “(You Drive Me) Crazy”….willingly….and liking it.
SMF: And it’s possible that I could be sitting here getting a lap dance from a big tittied blonde….willingly….and liking it.
ME: HEY! Only ONE of those activities would result in you being single!
SMF: You sure about that????




SMF: How’s the paper coming? You still awake?
ME: please kill me.
SMF: You CLOSE to being done?
ME: I think I’m closer to my 30th birthday.
SMF: Okay, well I’m going to support you in my sleep. Try and finish soon, okay?
ME: wimp.




ME: Hey babe, what does ‘tig ol’ bitties’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ME: What?!?!?! Just tell me.
SMF: It’s rappers switching letters around so they can say ‘big ol’ titties’ on the radio.
ME: SHUT UP!!! Really???
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why do you think I got so upset when that guy at the bar told you you had nice TIGS?
ME: I don’t know!!! I thought he said ‘eyes’. It was loud in there and I thought you were being your testosterone poisoned self!
SMF: HAHAHAHA!!!! What rock do you LIVE under anyway?
ME: The ‘White Suburbanite’ one apparently!
SMF: You are no longer allowed to listen to rap unsupervised.




ME: Yer butt looks hot when you do that. ;-)
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You wouldn’t be saying that if you were actually here.
ME: ??????
SMF: I’m taking a dump.
ME: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! My mental eyeballs are scarred for life!!!! Sick.




SMF: Whatcha up to Dingle?
ME: Shoppin’ with Da Gurls!
SMF: My apologies to the mall employees!
ME: Hush yer face! We’re having some lunch to recharge our batteries for bra shopping.
SMF: HOLD UP! How come when you and I go shopping you only ever need to buy tampons or Q-tips?
ME: I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned wanting to go underwear shopping.
SMF: Babe. You have boobs. Boobs need bras. I like boobs. I particularly like YOUR boobs…in bras. I’m not seeing how you don’t get this.




SMF: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHY IS IT IN MY MEDICINE CABINET?!?!?!?!?
ME: Okay, babe, one more time…typically you text message because you and I are not in the same location and you want to communicate with me. In other words…I CAN’T SEE WHAT YER LOOKING AT!!!!
SMF: This thing…it’s brown, with a metal end…in a Vshape….it’s just plain scary. What is it??
ME: Just send me a pic.
SMF:



SMF: If it goes anywhere near any of my favorite Girl Parts please don’t tell me. I’ll put it in the drawer and pretend I never found it!
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a cuticle trimmer. Totally harmless. Except it’s sharp…be careful.
SMF: I’ve established that. OW!
ME: *sigh* Before we have kids I’m having yer swimmers IQ tested.
SMF: Hey now, little Miss "What Does Fo Shizzle My Nizzle Mean"!!!!


Do ya'll see why we're going to need SERIOUS pre-marital counseling?!?!?!? And flexible phone plans??? And alcohol??? Lots of alcohol.


(I know I sort of opened a can of worms with my last post. I'm still working through all the worms. When I get somewhere, I'll update you. *sigh* This is why my therapist's 9 kids will ALL go to Ivy League schools....)

The One About Finals Week.....Another One

I almost forgot to ring in Bobby's favorite time of year!!! And since I cannot deny my all-time favorite blog-crush his happiness.....here it is:


Finals Week 2007!!!! Wooooo!!!! Show us your boobs!!!!!


Well, now that we have the blessed event firmly established I can move on, yes???

In honor of college students everywhere (and in honor of the fact that I REAAAAAAAALLY shouldn't be wasting my time screwing around on the internet) I'm going to post lists! (I know, you can hardly contain yourselves.)

You know you're a college student if.....

1) You feel it necessary to put every little thing you do in your away message. (Potty break!!!! BRB!)

2) When you say, "Next year" you mean "In the fall".

3) "What's your major?" is your default pick-up line.

4) You've written a check for a pack of gum.

5) Ramen Noodles are a food group and Domino's is on speed dial.

6) It no longer bothers you to shower with shoes on.

7) A baseball cap and chewing gum count as personal hygiene.

8) You've done laundry at 4 a.m because you were bored and couldn't think of anything better. (Bonus points if it was a Friday night!)

9) You've bought a book for $150 without batting an eyelash.

10) Fifteen weeks later you sell the same unused book back for $7.....without batting an eyelash.

11) Milk crate furniture is considered classy.

12) You're a Tater Tot Casserole connoisseur.
"Ah yes, a good orange block-cheese aroma. 1998 was a good year for Tots. Excellent vintage. Would go best with meatloaf."

13) You've fallen asleep in class......during an exam.....a verbal exam.

14) You can tell what time it is by the noise level in the hallway.
2 AM = enough noise to make dead people wear earplugs;
2 PM = just beginning to hear the sounds of people stirring.

15) "Getting up early" means getting up before noon.

16) Your outside information source is MTV news.

17) You don't need a stove because you have a microwave.

18) You know the exact closing time of all the drive thru windows, within a 10 mile radius.

19) Going "out to dinner" means going to one of those drive thrus.

20) All of your wordly possesions fit into one Honda Civic.....in one trip.

21) You're relieved when you find one pair of underwear in your drawer because
it means you have two more days until you need to do laundry!

22) 5 hours of sleep is considered a lot.

23) You've begged, borrowed and stolen 100 pennies to trade in at student accounting for four quarters.

24) Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero are your workout routines.

25) You get pants-soilingly excited about getting mail.

If College Students Wrote the Bible

*The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
*The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
*New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
*Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
*Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
*Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
*Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
*Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

And because it's fun, an "SMF and Cassie Talk to Each Other" moment brought to you by the letter X--for HOLY CRAP THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!
Cass: What are you eating????
Special Man Friend: Ice Cream
Cass: That's how I'm going to get what I want when we're married huh?
SMF: Try sex first.



So, there ya go! It is now time for me to go write some term papers and practice some presentations that are worth ghastly amounts points towards my final grade. Later Taters, I'm off like a herd o' turtles!

The One With the Election

We lost. :'-( Yes, Mrs Chili, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. I cried. I pouted. I yelled at people I wasn't really angry with. I said nasty things to SMF and then I cried some more. There also may have been large amounts of chocolate chip cookie dough consumed.....MAY HAVE BEEN!

We lost. It was ugly....one of the three candidates received 50% of the votes. I was sad. My running mate was devastated. We ranted. We raved. We cried. We kicked ourselves and our efforts. We yelled at people we weren't really angry with and we said nasty things to our significant others. We plotted graphic murder plots involving our competitors.


AND!!!!! I'm okay now. I did all of those things last night and I haven't done any of them SINCE last night. I apologized to the people I offended. I smoothed SMF's feathers. I turned my frown upside down. I congratulated the winners. I started raving about how cool it was that Mr. New Pres received half of the votes. I also may have felt a wee bit nauseous most of the day and MAY HAVE not been able to get into my favorite cute jeans......but cookie dough is OH SO GOOD! (And it heals oh so many hurts.)

ALSO!!!! I was elected as Secretary (which I spelled SecretarTy...twice. Paging Dr. Freud??) for Concert Choir next year. AND!!!! I was placed in a discipleship role in my suite next year. AND!!!! My application was accepted to work on Women's Ministry Council!!!


AWESOME!!! So all is not lost, I'm going to be a busy, busy girl next year. And in fact, if I HAD won the election I would have been forced to turn down the other three posistions.

Buenos Noches Internets!!!

I assume you're all sitting on the edge of your chairs waiting for an update. It has been a whirlwind of activity over here at Tiny Christian University. Yours truly has been campaigning like a madwoman since Monday.

That's right gentle readers....Rock the Vote 2007!! This Sassie Cassie Blaine is running for Student Body Vice President!!! Wahoo! My Presidential running mate and I have been enduring an intense schedule this week.

Monday: Gathered supplies for posters, balloons, mailbox stuffers, cookie frosting, debate materials, and the Rally.

Tuesday: Papered the Campus, Round #1. Posters focused on getting our faces and slogan in front of students' faces.

Wednesday: Frosted 380 cookies with our campaign colors (red/white/blue) in the dining hall to hand out to students.

Thursday: Stuffed 974 mailboxes with little cards displaying our emblem and slogan, "If you want a voice, make the SMART choice!" (We attached Smartees candies to each card.) AND Paper the Campus, Round #2. These posters focused on when students could vote and our campaign platform: "SGA [Student Government Association] should empower students to impact change, by creating relationships with administration, enabling communication, and strengthening Christian community on this campus." (Pretty good, eh?? The Debate is where we will unpack those three main ideas and explain what each looks like.)

Friday: Handing out red/blue balloons in the academic building. (Did you know it's like eleventy billion dollars to rent two helium tanks?!?!?)

Saturday: Debate prep ALL DAY!! Paper the Campus, Round #3. These posters will focus on when the Debate and elections are taking place.

Sunday: Debates start promptly at 9pm. (Personally I feel most solid about this. The Pres and I are pumped for Sunday! We feel we have the strongest, most thought-out platform of all three tickets running.)

Monday: Elections starting at 7 AM and going until 7 PM. I'm so sorry, but they don't take votes via email. They have this pesky rule about all voters needing to be current Tiny Christian University students!!!! Totally lame. Trust me....I was ready to have SMF stack the votes. He's totally charming, female election judges would be putty in his hands. (Hey! Don't give me that look. This is politics....not church!!!)

Tuesday: Throw a party or cry.

WHEW!!!!

Needless to say, trying to maintain this break neck pace has nearly killed me. Classes have been a blur and I'm not gonna say the s-word, but I think I'm getting s-ck!!! (Shhhhh. Don't tell my body, I'm gonna keep it a secret until Tuesday when I can finally crawl in bed and die!) My throat feels like it's going to jump out and bite me, suite mates are frying eggs on my forehead, and baseball players are using my glands for batting practice. But I'm not S-ICK!!!!! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! SHHHHHHH. Don't say it.

The One with The Updates

SPRING BREAK 2007!!! Wooooooo! Show us your boobs!


Okay....now that we have THAT out of our system. It's true, here at Tiny Christian University it is OFFICIALLY Spring Break 2007. What am I doing you ask? I'm spending it on a bus with 52 other people DRIVING to Staten Island and back. WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Uh huh.)

Along with it being Spring Break, it is also Concert Choir Spring Tour 2007. This year we are traveling to Staten Island, NY with performances along the way in Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. (We headed your way Mrs. Chili....I'll wave from New York!) We perform at churches and stay with members of the congregation every night. Essentially, every night I have no idea where exactly I'm going to be laying my head, I just have faith that it will be somewhere warm and safe.

This element is only one of many that makes Tour so intense. (Wait till next year when we tour Europe and do it the EXACT same way!!! YIKES!!) Not only are we performing everyday (sometimes twice), but we are making the entire trip on hope and some prayers. (Granted the churches are arranged ahead of time so it's not like we just show up at some random church expecting food and a place to stay....that's just insanity!)

Last year I was lucky enough to stay with wonderful families in BEAUTIFUL houses every night. One of my Florida families hosted four of us girls for two nights and let us use their car, go to the movies, take naps in the afternoon, sunbathe on their patio, and each of us had her own rooms. NICE!!! (Everyone is praying to be placed with that type of family.)

What am I trying to say in all of this? YAY!!! Tour!!! I'm excited!!! (Okay moving on.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ummmm...since the last time we chatted, I have been placed on the ADD drug Adderall XR. My therapist and I decided to try a new tactic since EVERYTHING else we had tried failed to help my poor GPA. Of course, besides cutting WAAAAAAAAAAY down on the amount of time I spend at Special Man Friend's Bachelor Pad. That helped quite a bit actually! (Go figure.)

I had noticed I was having a problem staying focused back in middle school, but my Mother Figure was pretty adamant that I was just lazy. So I put my nose to the grindstone to achieve the GPA expected by my parents. I graduated with a 3.85 and nearly killed myself in the process. Now at college, I'm finding it almost impossible to keep focused on one thing for too long. My GPA currently?? A 2.0. Uhhh....yeah, clearly there's a problem, so I'm going to see how this med stuff works for a while. (At LEAST a year.)

I'm pretty happy with my decision to go on meds. Thus far I have been able to cope with the side effects. Minor headaches and nausea after my first meal of the day seem to be the two that hit on a consistent basis. My Psychiatrist/Neurologist (we'll call him Dr. Brain) promises that these things will lessen in time.

What am I trying to say in all of this? YAY!!! Drugs!!! I'm excited!!! (Okay moving on.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And last but not least, I STILL don't have the solo in choir. What has Dr. Director decided? The freshman and I are going to share it!!!!!! Alright....fine. All I have to say about it is,

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ASSHOLE?!?

(Shhhhh....don't tell SMF that I just swore.)

It's not that I'm a Super Diva (I'm a recovering one actually)! The fact is that I have logged a total of 15 hours working on this stupid solo!!! Snot-nose Freshman?? She'll openly admit she hasn't worked on it at all!!! WTF?!? I mean really! Even the Choir thinks this is more than a little shitty.

*sigh* Fine, dearest Dr. Director. Be that way! I just want to you to know that I am agreeing to this arrangement only under extreme duress.

What am I trying to say in all of this? DAMN YOU DR. DIRECTOR!!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!




Ugh....YAY for Tour. :-/

***Update***

I have come down off my high.
I'm going to limp off to bed and sneak in a cat nap before my final @ 9AM!


This is the EXACT text Special Man Friend has waiting on his cell phone:

"I will cause you severe bodily harm if you don't call me and make sure I'm awake when you get home from work!"