The One with the Text Messages

Okay, so remember way back when....I mentioned something about SMF and I working on something hilarious. And then it never came? Remember?

Well here it is. Special Man Friend and I spent countless hours reconstructing ACTUAL text message/IM conversations we have had in the last month.

So, as usual, please remember that these conversations ACTUALLY happened. You know what's even better??? These are TEXT MESSAGES people!!! Texting. Over phones. From different locations. (You'll quickly see why we need "Unlimited Text Messages" on every cellular plan.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: HI BABY! HI! HI! IT’S MORNING AND I’M TOTALLY STOKED TO SEE YOU!!! HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY??? DID YOU SEE LOTS OF TITTIES?!?!?!?
SMF: why? why? please stop. with the caps. and the exclamation points. why? why so much screaming? i’m so hungover.
ME: Sucks to be you…on so many levels.
SMF: i heard that. (and thanks for not screaming.)




SMF: Wakey wakey baby.
SMF: C’mon sweetie, you need to get up now.
SMF: Babe. Answer me. At least let me know you’re alive.
SMF: Okay, I have now called your cell AND your landline! What’s going on?! Why aren’t you answering me???
SMF: BABE!!! I’M NOT KIDDING! YOU BETTER CALL ME OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CALL 911.
ME: Oh, sorry babe. I was out to breakfast with Mom and I had my phone off. Sorry. Tee hee?!
SMF: babe, yer slowly killing me.




ME: What does ‘Fo Shizzle my Nizzle’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ‘For Sure my N*gger’
ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Why haven’t you ever told me this?!?!?!?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yer kidding, right?
ME: NO!!! I have been going around spewing racial slurs?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? Please tell me yer kidding.
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
ME: Oh dear god…I COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
SMF: When were you ANYWHERE that you were in danger of being shot?
ME: I’m just saying!!! You knew and you didn’t tell me?!? Ugh…how long have people been laughing at me???
SMF: For that?? No idea. Laughing at you on general principle??? Probably your entire life I would guess.
ME: i hate you.




ME: You better have Oreos with you when you get here or I may just have to kill you.
SMF: No “Please”? A "Thank You" maybe? Shoot, I’d settle for that sentence in the form of a question at this point.
ME: Babe…would you please bring your PMS-y girlfriend Oreos so she doesn’t eat your face off in a psychotic hormonal rage?
SMF: In that case…Double Stuff or Regular? How bout one of each?




ME: Where are you?!?!? I’ve been waiting at your place for 15 minutes!
SMF: Sorry. I needed TP for my bunghole. ;-)
ME: Oh SICK!!!! Jesus can HEAR you, ya know!!!
SMF: Yeah, He heard it the moment I thought it. So???
ME: Well, you already made Jesus cry! Why subject ME to your sick and twisted mind too?!?!?!
SMF: Just making sure you still want to get married someday.




SMF: Babe, if we were married and I went to a whore house to get a striptease and a sensual massage, would that be cheating?
ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (That was me until you apparently went F-ING RETARDED!)
SMF: Seriously, is that cheating? (Holy crap! She’s massaging him with her bare boobs!!!)
ME: babe, it’s 3AM…are you serious?
SMF: Yeah! Is THAT part of marriage?? Cuz if yes, get yer ass up! We’re going to Vegas!
ME: No. That’s cheating. What the hell are you doing over there anyway?
SMF: Watching a documentary.
ME: Babe, for the LAST TIME…pornography = NOT documentary!!!
SMF: It’s HBO! Of COURSE it’s a documentary!
ME: Phone = Off! Bye!




ME: It’s possible that I could be sitting here listening to Britney Spears’ “(You Drive Me) Crazy”….willingly….and liking it.
SMF: And it’s possible that I could be sitting here getting a lap dance from a big tittied blonde….willingly….and liking it.
ME: HEY! Only ONE of those activities would result in you being single!
SMF: You sure about that????




SMF: How’s the paper coming? You still awake?
ME: please kill me.
SMF: You CLOSE to being done?
ME: I think I’m closer to my 30th birthday.
SMF: Okay, well I’m going to support you in my sleep. Try and finish soon, okay?
ME: wimp.




ME: Hey babe, what does ‘tig ol’ bitties’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ME: What?!?!?! Just tell me.
SMF: It’s rappers switching letters around so they can say ‘big ol’ titties’ on the radio.
ME: SHUT UP!!! Really???
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why do you think I got so upset when that guy at the bar told you you had nice TIGS?
ME: I don’t know!!! I thought he said ‘eyes’. It was loud in there and I thought you were being your testosterone poisoned self!
SMF: HAHAHAHA!!!! What rock do you LIVE under anyway?
ME: The ‘White Suburbanite’ one apparently!
SMF: You are no longer allowed to listen to rap unsupervised.




ME: Yer butt looks hot when you do that. ;-)
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You wouldn’t be saying that if you were actually here.
ME: ??????
SMF: I’m taking a dump.
ME: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! My mental eyeballs are scarred for life!!!! Sick.




SMF: Whatcha up to Dingle?
ME: Shoppin’ with Da Gurls!
SMF: My apologies to the mall employees!
ME: Hush yer face! We’re having some lunch to recharge our batteries for bra shopping.
SMF: HOLD UP! How come when you and I go shopping you only ever need to buy tampons or Q-tips?
ME: I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned wanting to go underwear shopping.
SMF: Babe. You have boobs. Boobs need bras. I like boobs. I particularly like YOUR boobs…in bras. I’m not seeing how you don’t get this.




SMF: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHY IS IT IN MY MEDICINE CABINET?!?!?!?!?
ME: Okay, babe, one more time…typically you text message because you and I are not in the same location and you want to communicate with me. In other words…I CAN’T SEE WHAT YER LOOKING AT!!!!
SMF: This thing…it’s brown, with a metal end…in a Vshape….it’s just plain scary. What is it??
ME: Just send me a pic.
SMF:



SMF: If it goes anywhere near any of my favorite Girl Parts please don’t tell me. I’ll put it in the drawer and pretend I never found it!
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a cuticle trimmer. Totally harmless. Except it’s sharp…be careful.
SMF: I’ve established that. OW!
ME: *sigh* Before we have kids I’m having yer swimmers IQ tested.
SMF: Hey now, little Miss "What Does Fo Shizzle My Nizzle Mean"!!!!


Do ya'll see why we're going to need SERIOUS pre-marital counseling?!?!?!? And flexible phone plans??? And alcohol??? Lots of alcohol.


(I know I sort of opened a can of worms with my last post. I'm still working through all the worms. When I get somewhere, I'll update you. *sigh* This is why my therapist's 9 kids will ALL go to Ivy League schools....)

The One About Finals Week.....Another One

I almost forgot to ring in Bobby's favorite time of year!!! And since I cannot deny my all-time favorite blog-crush his happiness.....here it is:


Finals Week 2007!!!! Wooooo!!!! Show us your boobs!!!!!


Well, now that we have the blessed event firmly established I can move on, yes???

In honor of college students everywhere (and in honor of the fact that I REAAAAAAAALLY shouldn't be wasting my time screwing around on the internet) I'm going to post lists! (I know, you can hardly contain yourselves.)

You know you're a college student if.....

1) You feel it necessary to put every little thing you do in your away message. (Potty break!!!! BRB!)

2) When you say, "Next year" you mean "In the fall".

3) "What's your major?" is your default pick-up line.

4) You've written a check for a pack of gum.

5) Ramen Noodles are a food group and Domino's is on speed dial.

6) It no longer bothers you to shower with shoes on.

7) A baseball cap and chewing gum count as personal hygiene.

8) You've done laundry at 4 a.m because you were bored and couldn't think of anything better. (Bonus points if it was a Friday night!)

9) You've bought a book for $150 without batting an eyelash.

10) Fifteen weeks later you sell the same unused book back for $7.....without batting an eyelash.

11) Milk crate furniture is considered classy.

12) You're a Tater Tot Casserole connoisseur.
"Ah yes, a good orange block-cheese aroma. 1998 was a good year for Tots. Excellent vintage. Would go best with meatloaf."

13) You've fallen asleep in class......during an exam.....a verbal exam.

14) You can tell what time it is by the noise level in the hallway.
2 AM = enough noise to make dead people wear earplugs;
2 PM = just beginning to hear the sounds of people stirring.

15) "Getting up early" means getting up before noon.

16) Your outside information source is MTV news.

17) You don't need a stove because you have a microwave.

18) You know the exact closing time of all the drive thru windows, within a 10 mile radius.

19) Going "out to dinner" means going to one of those drive thrus.

20) All of your wordly possesions fit into one Honda Civic.....in one trip.

21) You're relieved when you find one pair of underwear in your drawer because
it means you have two more days until you need to do laundry!

22) 5 hours of sleep is considered a lot.

23) You've begged, borrowed and stolen 100 pennies to trade in at student accounting for four quarters.

24) Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero are your workout routines.

25) You get pants-soilingly excited about getting mail.

If College Students Wrote the Bible

*The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
*The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
*New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
*Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
*Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
*Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
*Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
*Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

And because it's fun, an "SMF and Cassie Talk to Each Other" moment brought to you by the letter X--for HOLY CRAP THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!
Cass: What are you eating????
Special Man Friend: Ice Cream
Cass: That's how I'm going to get what I want when we're married huh?
SMF: Try sex first.



So, there ya go! It is now time for me to go write some term papers and practice some presentations that are worth ghastly amounts points towards my final grade. Later Taters, I'm off like a herd o' turtles!

Buenos Noches Internets!!!

I assume you're all sitting on the edge of your chairs waiting for an update. It has been a whirlwind of activity over here at Tiny Christian University. Yours truly has been campaigning like a madwoman since Monday.

That's right gentle readers....Rock the Vote 2007!! This Sassie Cassie Blaine is running for Student Body Vice President!!! Wahoo! My Presidential running mate and I have been enduring an intense schedule this week.

Monday: Gathered supplies for posters, balloons, mailbox stuffers, cookie frosting, debate materials, and the Rally.

Tuesday: Papered the Campus, Round #1. Posters focused on getting our faces and slogan in front of students' faces.

Wednesday: Frosted 380 cookies with our campaign colors (red/white/blue) in the dining hall to hand out to students.

Thursday: Stuffed 974 mailboxes with little cards displaying our emblem and slogan, "If you want a voice, make the SMART choice!" (We attached Smartees candies to each card.) AND Paper the Campus, Round #2. These posters focused on when students could vote and our campaign platform: "SGA [Student Government Association] should empower students to impact change, by creating relationships with administration, enabling communication, and strengthening Christian community on this campus." (Pretty good, eh?? The Debate is where we will unpack those three main ideas and explain what each looks like.)

Friday: Handing out red/blue balloons in the academic building. (Did you know it's like eleventy billion dollars to rent two helium tanks?!?!?)

Saturday: Debate prep ALL DAY!! Paper the Campus, Round #3. These posters will focus on when the Debate and elections are taking place.

Sunday: Debates start promptly at 9pm. (Personally I feel most solid about this. The Pres and I are pumped for Sunday! We feel we have the strongest, most thought-out platform of all three tickets running.)

Monday: Elections starting at 7 AM and going until 7 PM. I'm so sorry, but they don't take votes via email. They have this pesky rule about all voters needing to be current Tiny Christian University students!!!! Totally lame. Trust me....I was ready to have SMF stack the votes. He's totally charming, female election judges would be putty in his hands. (Hey! Don't give me that look. This is politics....not church!!!)

Tuesday: Throw a party or cry.

WHEW!!!!

Needless to say, trying to maintain this break neck pace has nearly killed me. Classes have been a blur and I'm not gonna say the s-word, but I think I'm getting s-ck!!! (Shhhhh. Don't tell my body, I'm gonna keep it a secret until Tuesday when I can finally crawl in bed and die!) My throat feels like it's going to jump out and bite me, suite mates are frying eggs on my forehead, and baseball players are using my glands for batting practice. But I'm not S-ICK!!!!! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! SHHHHHHH. Don't say it.

Someone Take the 'Creepy Guy Magnet' Off My Back!

A Creepy Guy is someone who…

• Stares, leers, undresses me with his eyes or just generally fixes his on my person for long amounts of time without blinking
  
  Example: I’m not oblivious to guys checking me out, in fact I quite enjoy it. It’s the blatant staring I have a problem with! There is this guy in my Ed Psych class that stares at me. Every class period he deliberately turns his desk around so his profile is towards the front of the room and his ugly mug is pointed full on in my direction. Then he just STARES…sometimes open-mouthed….making a weird breathing sound with the back of his tongue. CREEPY!!!

• Doesn’t speak when spoken to
  
  Example: I had a lab partner that wouldn’t talk to me. I started off with the simple, “How did your weekend go?” but had to move on quickly to the tough stuff like, “Would you please hand me that beaker?” He would talk to every other girl in class except ME! HIS LAB PARTNER!! He eventually dropped the class.

• Smells like feet, B.O., dirty jock straps, urine, or illegal substances
  
  Example: There is this guy that used to be in choir with me that smelled so strongly of BO that I literally got nauseous sitting next to him. It was so bad that I spent a semester and a half doing everything in my power to avoid sitting next to him. Wouldn’t you know?? On spring tour, guess who had to stand next to Mr. Odiferous? Go on, guess. That’s right! Yours truly. And we performed every night…sometimes twice….under hot stage lights….and we sweated like pigs. Yeah, Mom? That’s why I looked green in most of our promotional pictures.

• Has not apparently showered in more than 96 hours
  
  C’mon guys! We’re not homeless. These are white-bred upper middle class guys I’m talking about here. Take a freaking shower.

• Asks weird/probing/personal questions about you before he has even introduced himself
  
  Example: This scene takes place in church just last Sunday with a guy I had never seen in my life.
  
  Creepy Asian Guy: (walking right up with no introduction) You look Asian. Are you Korean?
  ME: Ummm, well…uhh, no. I’m not. **Insert Big Sappy, Welcome to Our Church Smile*
  CAG: You’re not Korean?
  ME: No. **Still keep BSWTOCS plastered to your face!**
  CAG: Oh. (thinks for moment) Are you Chinese?
  ME: (smile falters for a brief second) Um, no. I’m Latina.
  CAG: Oh. So you’re not Asian?
  ME: No. I’m Peruvian and Nicaraguan. 100% Latina. **Re-apply BSWTOCS**
  CAG: Really? I thought you looked Korean.
  ME: I gathered that. **BSWTOCS**

• Sends off vibes that instinctively set you into ‘Fight or Flight’ mentality
  
  Example: I went to a bar a few weeks ago (*gasp* Naughty!) and while I was there I procured a stalker. This guy would not stop following my group of friends around and after we did a few laps around the place just to make sure he was indeed stalking, we paid our tab and hauled our cute butts out of there! I think Jenny actually left smoke trails. (All of us had on clothes that cost us WAAAY too much and therefore did not lend themselves nicely to fighting, otherwise we would have totally stayed and kicked some Creepy butt.)(Hah.)

• Asks me out on dates when I have made it explicitly clear I don’t want to have anything to do with you
  
  Example: This guy Frank at church. (PS: Moms don’t name your kids Frank. That name alone gives me the creeps!)(PPS: If you already have, so sorry. Please ignore that comment.) He met me a handful of times before I left for the summer to go to Maine and be a camp counselor. It would also needs to be noted that before I left I had been dating my boyfriend [a leader in my church] since February and we were together (still are in fact) while this email conversation happened. Here is the literally untouched email. (I’ve erased dates, times and names to protect the Innocent…and the Creepy.)
  
  Cassie:
  
  Question 1: What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
  Question 2: What are all the toppings you will not eat on Pizza, Sanwich's, Hot Dogs, or any other food you can think of?
  Question 3: Would you consider talking to/going out with someone you don't know that well? (Like me for example...)
  
  Frank
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Frank:
  
  
  1. A Rueben sandwich w/o the sauerkraut.
  2. Umm....I don't eat hotdogs and nothing goes on them if I do As for the other foods, I’m not really picky.
  3. I don’t know if you realized this, but I’m dating [Insert Special Male Friend’s Name Here]. We’ve been quietly seeing each other since February. I’m flattered that you asked, but I’m happy with the relationship I’m in currently.
  
  Cassie
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Aww! The Sauerkraut is the Best Part! Otherwise, you're just eating a fatty-meat sandwich!... As for the other thing, do you want to get to know me, or not 'cause you're dating someone else? I also have to get to know people first, but a lot of times people don't think they want to get to know me, and I don't understand why... People who know me tell me all the time that I'm approachable. I even see new people come up to me and ask me questions, or for help, So I see that I am approachable. I guess the one exception is when people are talking about Love, then maybe they don't see me as approachable, even though I am. I don't make fools out of people for asking me things that are of a romantic nature, 'cause I know how that feels. So, just be assured that I am approachable if you want to wait 'til after your sebaticle to even think about getting to know me. Ok? That's all I really wanted, was to let people know that I'm available and that I won't laugh at them for asking if I'm single or whatever. Have I said more than a passing aquaintance should have? I don't know. TTYL.
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  Uh huh. Right. Sure. Okay…**slowly backing away** I’m just going to go over here, show my boyfriend the emails and let HIM handle things. CREEPY!!!!
  
  

So as you can see, I seem to have a ‘Creepy Guy Magnet’ stuck to my back. (Please note that my boyfriend a.k.a. Special Man Friend is very normal and would never be confused for creepy! He’s also much bigger and scarier than I am which is why I punked out and let HIM talk to Frank.)

Things I've Picked Up Along the Way

1) Guys are wonderful and hurtful and loving and dumb and fun to be around and annoy the crap out of you and are fun to look at and pull your ponytail and don’t have cooties and are really gross and break your heart and love you to pieces.

2) A college student IS physically capable of being awake AND functional by 7:30 AM. It’s neither fun nor pretty but it IS possible.

3) Chips last a lot longer if you keep the bag closed.

4) PMS sucks…always.

5) High School is not the end of the world, or the greatest years of your life...neither is college.

6) Call when you say you’re going to.

7) Don’t eat Crayons…or Play-Doh.

8) The best way to sleep is with the window open, rain falling and a warm body next to you.

9) Forever can be short…or long, depending on how you look at it and who you have to spend it with.

10) It's more fun to go to the mall and not buy a thing…just watch the people.

11) Parents are fantastic to keep around for advice, but their opinions shouldn’t be the end all, be all of your existence.

12) We should use the word “fantastic” more often.

13) Therapists are a wonderful thing. Everyone should see one at some point.

14) Having a baby isn’t nearly as scary as you think it would be…placing her for adoption is.

15) ‘Guy World’ is a very, very, very scary place. When you find that one great guy who can give you an honest glimpse into it, be warned…it’s frightening.

16) Learn from your mistakes. There are so many to make, it sucks when you keep making the same ones over and over.

17) “Your” and “you’re” are two very, very different words…make sure you know the difference. (No one makes me CRAZIER than a person that screws this up!!)

18) Life is a lot more like a merry-go-round than some people want to admit.

19) Always be the teacher’s pet…always. It can never HURT you.

20) Be aggressive in buffet lines.

21) Sharing is caring. OVER-sharing is just plain rude.

22) Girls are fickle…always…for the rest of your life.

23) Barbie does not create an unhealthy body image…our parents do.

24) Speak your mind, but don’t do it in a way that makes people want to slap you.

25) Girls talk about poop, passing gas, raunchy sex and other disgusting/not girly things!

26) Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are a little taste of heaven on earth when made just right.

27) We are ALL our own flavor of dork.

28) Stepping out in blind faith can be thrilling, terrifying, relaxing, and liberating…all at the same time.

29) Girls pick out their clothes for the first day of school months in advance. Boys do it that same day…you can tell.

30) Girls want to have sex just as much as guys do, we’re just more suave about the whole thing.

31) There is no “S” at the end of ‘anyway’.

32) I’ve NEVER known what it’s like to work a 9-5 job…neither have any of my parents.

33) I have been blessed with the gift of intuitiveness…and the gift of gab.

34) Parents are human...so are professors.

35) After a certain time at night you start to see double…regardless of whether or not you’ve been drinking.