Season Two, Episode 1

So how did SMF and I finally end it??? Not easily that's for sure! (But when are those things ever EASY?!??!?)

So, for entertainment's sake I'm going to provide a timeline that should vaguely recreate my Achy Breaky Heart's Journey to Healing....sort of.

Day 1: Sob. Sob sob sob. Google "nooses" and "proper method of tying."

Day 2: SOB SOB SOB OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO DIE. BABY SIS, TIE ME A NOOSE.

Day 3 - Day 10: Etc.

Day 11: Um, fuck this. Kind of. But, additionally: SOB.

Day 12: Ooo, love those shoes! You know, mourning is...boring, a little. Hmm.

Day 13: Actually? Fuck this hard. No more mourning! I am buying me some lady shoes!

Day 14: NO SERIOUSLY. YOU GUYS, KNOW WHAT. I HAVE MADE A COMMAND DECISION HERE. NO MORE MOURNING. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.

Day 15: YEAH.

Day 16-18: Yeeeaaaah.

(sob.)

Day 19: NO THAT IS RIGHT. FUCK THIS AGAIN. I hereby decide that from now on, ALL I WANT is to be happy. It is time for a shift in perspective! Shift shift shift! I am going to just be happy, with a minimum of sobbing, and a maximum of new shoes. HA. That is called "having goals."

Day 20: Here I am, minding my own business and enjoying my newly shifted perspective! Vegging while reading emails when I come across an email from SMF. Sobbing ensues.

Day 21: What does he MEAN he MIGHT have made a mistake?!?!?!? What a #$@#%!! Baby Sis, come here and help me write an email response that doesn't make me sound clingy and sobby.

Day 21, Part II: OMG!!! Baby Sis, he responded!! Quick! Open it....tell me what it says. Hang on! Don't! But maybe...yes, go ahead. Wait! We have Ben & Jerry's right?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SAID IT WAS A DRUNK EMAIL?!?!?!?!? Who does that??!?!?!? SOB!

Day 22 - Day 28: ((insert regression here)) Oh, and...SOB!

Day 29 - Day 40: Alright! Here we are, Baby Sis! At the gym! Executing plan "Fuck You SMF! Look, I'm Still Hot! And I'll Prove It When I Shed These 10 Extra Ben & Jerry's Pounds!"

Day 41 - 50: Okay, enough with the gym. I'm moving on! Let the shoe shopping and the parade of hot successful men beating down my door commence!

So here I am, Day Eleventy Billion, still waiting for the Hot Parade to start. Although, I'm not really all that enthusiastic to hit the dating scene.

I'm finally enjoying singledom!!! For the first time in FIVE years I do NOT have to worry about someone else's feelings or needs!! I can go to bed without having a long, drawn out tucking in phone call. I can disappear to the Library for hours on end (did I mention I'm unemployed again?) and have no one pester me with text messages. I love that when I DO occasionally make eyes at the hottie behind the S*Bux counter I don't have to feel guilty. And when a guy at the local brewery tells me I have a cute smile, I can flirt shamelessly and ENJOY IT!

As far as blogging is concerned, I think it took me so long to make it back here because I had lived a certain life here for all of you and somehow I thought it was going to be different without SMF in it. Like, I wouldn't have anything funny or valuable to write about without him in my life.

And all of my stewing and self-examination had finally shown me that was how I had been LIVING my life as well! My self-worth had slowly been determined by how much he cared about me. And that is never a good place to be. So, things had to change....and boy did they!

So now, I live in IL and SMF has moved out to Norfolk, VA. Things ended on good terms and for no REAL reason other than the fact that both of us were looking for different things. We were perfect for one another during a very specific time in our lives. And now, we were no longer those same people....in fact, we were hindering each other's personal growth. We decided that we both wanted the other person to be happier than we were and therefore we both needed to go our separate ways in search of that happiness.

And now I'm back to living my life how I see fit. Everyday things seem a little brighter and my future is not so uncertain. I have plans to start at the local community college in the summer and I want to finish my degree in 18 months.

Things have certainly changed a lot since the last time we tuned in but I believe Season 2 is going to be infinitely better than last season. New plot lines, new characters and OF COURSE the ensuing drama when I finally DO decide to pursue the hotties.

Check ya later friends,
~Cass

My Lame Excuse of An Update

THE INTERNAL WORKINGS OF THE SASS’S BRAIN

Left Brain of Cassie Blaine: Holy potatoes!!! I can’t believe how long it has been since I updated all of my readers regarding my life. I must do that! I must write something NOW NOW NOW.

Right Brain of Cassie Blaine: Oh, hush, mister practical. You know you can’t force the creative process. Just calm down, and soon, we will hear the sweet song of the muse! She will give us our subject, and then she will take us by the hand, and lead us down a path lined with butterflies and ice cream cones.

Left Brain: …Ooookay. Except we don’t have hands.

Right Brain: I am speaking figuratively, Left Brain. You need to think outside the box.

Left Brain: Or, you know, I could ignore your irritating box-talk, and just write something already--which is what I am going to do. I am putting it on my To-Do List right now. See? It is going right here under "Find Full-Time Job Because We Are Not Attending School in the Fall". Let's see....we'll follow that with “Find Apartment in New East Coast Location We Are Moving To" And to round it out, we'll add "Do Laundry or Tomorrow You Have to RECYCLE Your Underwear".

Right Brain: But if you just write any old thing in a blog it won't be sparkly! We shouldn't write now. I think we should sing a song, and then make potholders covered in unicorn glitter.

Left brain: Oh, for the love of GOD, woman, this is a blog. After all this time, it doesn’t need to be beautiful...it just needs to be “not blank.” That is really the only requirement for today: “Not blank.”

Right Brain: You know, when you say things like that, a fairy dies. She just falls down dead.

Left Brain: No fairies die…

Right Brain: FALLS DOWN DEAD--SPLAT. Like that. Because of you.

Left Brain: *Sigh* Oh, we should also get some lunch. I have those healthy leftovers from dinner the other day…

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH.

Left Brain: Or the cafeteria has a spectacular salad ba---

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH!

Left Brain: Holy potatoes, FINE! We will have COOKIE DOUGH for lunch.

Right Brain: (and potato chips.)

Left Brain: AND POTATO CHIPS. Okay. Then we work.

Right Brain: Noooo, then we daydream!

Left Brain: We don’t have time to daydream. We have to write! Write, write, write.

Right Brain: Hey! Lefty! Check out that hot guy over there!!! WOW!

Left Brain: WHERE?!?

Right Brain: Made you look! You know what? Sometimes I wish I were Queen of the World. Then they would bring me all hot male actors on big platters. I could have a buffet of glistening man-entrees! Why doesn’t anyone ever bring me a man on a plate? I’ve been good!

Left Brain: I…what in the world are you talking about?

Right Brain: Do you think Santa could bring me men on plates?

Left Brain: No. I don’t. And we have to blog now. We should blog about…

Right Brain: Men on plates! And Santa.

Left Brain: NO. Let’s write about how much work we’ve been doing while being a live-in nanny this---

Right Brain: Oh, snore. We are NOT going to piss and moan about our workload. That's so boring, plus you do that all the time.

Left Brain: Well, all you’ve come up with is “Men on Plates” and "cookie dough with potato chips for lunch".

Right Brain: And Santa!

Left Brain: Yes. Exactly. Let us not forget Santa. You are making my point for me, thank you.

Right Brain: Hey, Captain Boring! Wanna know what I really like? That song from Friends.

Left Brain: No, you don’t.

Right Brain: Oh, indeed I DO. And I shall start singing it right now, until you agree to not blog about how busy you are.

Left Brain: Oh, please…please, don’t do that.

Right Brain: So no one told you life was gonna be this way CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Left Brain: La, la, la, la! I can't hear you!!!!!

Right Brain: Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Left Brain: JESUS, MARY AND JOSPEH! Will you PLEASE SHUT UP?!?

Right Brain: (humming).

Left Brain: Great, thank you.Now I’m singing it. I wonder if it is possible to plan a stroke. To plan a stroke that only affects the RIGHT SIDE OF ONE’S BRAIN.

Right Brain: Oh, let’s not fight. Let’s cuddle.

Left Brain: I don’t WANT to cuddle. I WANT to update the blog, find a full-time job, find a place to live, baby-sit the kids and then do some laundry.... OF MY OWN!

Right Brain: Oooo! Oooo! Maybe if we go to SMF's apartment he'll do our laundry...dressed only in his boxers! That could be fun!

Left Brain: Ugh. NO! I have things to do.....but I DO need to do laundry. Plus, we'd get to cross something off the To-Do List. You know how much I like doing that...

Right Brain: Exactly!!! Then after the shower we can have him get on a big platter and....

Left Brain: STOP IT!!!! I'm not going to his place. We have WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much to do. We certainly do not have time to daydream about SMF on a platter....

Right Brain: Fine, be that way. How 'bout we just go over there and canoodle with SMF?

Left Brain: …well, he does need some canoodling.

Right Brain: And he’s just sitting there all snuggly, wuggly looking....

Left Brain: I HATE YOU.

Right Brain: Do not. I sparkle!

Left Brain: (sob.)

Right Brain: Oh, come on now! Come on, what do you want to do? Do you want to update the blog? Will that make you happy?

Left Brain: No.

Right Brain: Do you want to daydream about men on platters?

Left Brain: NO!

Right Brain: Okay, okay. Do you want to play solitaire?

Left Brain: I…sort of.

Right Brain: Well, okay! THERE WE GO, LITTLE CAMPER. You go play some solitaire, with all that logical, deductive reasoning of yours.

Left Brain: (sniff). Okay. What are you going to do?

Right Brain: Think about Josh Hartnett on a really big platter......doing my laundry in his boxers.

Left Brain: Is that all?

Right Brain: Well, how 'bout I update the blog too?

Left Brain: But…you? Nobody will ever come back! If you write it, they’ll see the innermost workings of Cassie’s brain, and they’ll all run away, screaming.

Right Brain: Oh, hush. It’s better than blank, right?

Left Brain: I mean…yeah. Okay, you’re right. Just…

Right Brain: Yeah?

Left Brain: Promise not to mention the men on platters.

Due to the last entry, SMF believes that he and I use the word “Babe” too much. However I pointed out that although the word may be spelled the same and pronounced the same, it is a TOTALLY different word almost every time we us it.

Such as:


“Babe.” = “Look, I’ll explain this only one more time…” Mainly used by SMF and usually happens afer….

“Ummm…babe?” = “Ummmm…I’m about to ask you something and I might end up looking like Jessica Simpson and her Chicken of the Sea moment, please don’t laugh so hard that you cause injury.” (I use this one more often than I care to admit)

“Babe!” = “If you don’t knock that off right now, I’m going to deck you.” (used by me when SMF decides to work on his NFL tackling skills or used by SMF when I decide to ‘clean out his clogged pores’.)

“Hey Babe.” = Our typical phone greeting

“BABE!” = “No, you don’t look fat. Yes, those shoes match. Yes, yer hair looks great. Yes, I love that dress. Now can we PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, walk out the door so I don’t start eating my own arm?!?” (Look, it’s not MY problem that I want to look good for him! Yeesh.)

“Babe…” = “You exasperate me. You and yer annoying habits irritate the pants off of me. (“No! Not like that! Get off of me!”) Remind me again why we’re dating?” (Used by both of us)

“Baby?????” = “Please, oh please, oh please buy me this!!!!” (Used only by me. Although when SMF hears the ‘Y’ at the end, he suddenly is unable to understand the English language. Jerk.)

“Hey, Babe?” = “Hey, yer closer to whatever it is I’m about to ask you for and I’m too lazy to get up and get it myself.” (Used by both of us, usually when we’re in the throes of a TV induced, comatose state.)

“Awww, babe…” = “Well, shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was just being a testosterone poisoned ass because it’s a day that ends in ‘Y’! I can’t help it!! It just happens. PLEASE DON’T STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME!” (Take a wild guess on who uses this one…)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATED TO INCLUDE THIS PSA FROM A CERTAIN SPECIAL MAN FRIEND!!

Alright, folks??? Want to know the SITUATIONS that happen to surround the “Baby?????” usage?

Read these two PRIME examples....then tell me I'm a jerk. (Keep in mind that this is the girl that wants a total of 14 people in our wedding party!!! I'm trying to save money here.)

1) We were at the mall and I got distracted by the Sharper Image displays. I let her out of my sight for ONE SECOND!! (I know! I know! Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.) Next thing I know she's in a jewelry store with a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR DIAMOND on her finger. She's standing there looking all cute, showin' off her clevage and battin' her eyelashes sayin, “Baby?????” Um, yeah. In that case, NO HABLO INGLES!

2) We're leaving the movie theater and heading towards my car. Suddenly she darts out of my reach and she's standing next to a little red Miata doing the “Baby?????” routine. My only response was to start chattin up the blonde who getting into her car and wouldn't you know it??? Suddenly Cass materializes next to my arm and is murderously quiet while I finish my conversation with the blonde regarding her windshield wipers.


Okay....let it rip. I'm a big jerk.

The One with the Text Messages

Okay, so remember way back when....I mentioned something about SMF and I working on something hilarious. And then it never came? Remember?

Well here it is. Special Man Friend and I spent countless hours reconstructing ACTUAL text message/IM conversations we have had in the last month.

So, as usual, please remember that these conversations ACTUALLY happened. You know what's even better??? These are TEXT MESSAGES people!!! Texting. Over phones. From different locations. (You'll quickly see why we need "Unlimited Text Messages" on every cellular plan.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: HI BABY! HI! HI! IT’S MORNING AND I’M TOTALLY STOKED TO SEE YOU!!! HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY??? DID YOU SEE LOTS OF TITTIES?!?!?!?
SMF: why? why? please stop. with the caps. and the exclamation points. why? why so much screaming? i’m so hungover.
ME: Sucks to be you…on so many levels.
SMF: i heard that. (and thanks for not screaming.)




SMF: Wakey wakey baby.
SMF: C’mon sweetie, you need to get up now.
SMF: Babe. Answer me. At least let me know you’re alive.
SMF: Okay, I have now called your cell AND your landline! What’s going on?! Why aren’t you answering me???
SMF: BABE!!! I’M NOT KIDDING! YOU BETTER CALL ME OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CALL 911.
ME: Oh, sorry babe. I was out to breakfast with Mom and I had my phone off. Sorry. Tee hee?!
SMF: babe, yer slowly killing me.




ME: What does ‘Fo Shizzle my Nizzle’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ‘For Sure my N*gger’
ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Why haven’t you ever told me this?!?!?!?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yer kidding, right?
ME: NO!!! I have been going around spewing racial slurs?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? Please tell me yer kidding.
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
ME: Oh dear god…I COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
SMF: When were you ANYWHERE that you were in danger of being shot?
ME: I’m just saying!!! You knew and you didn’t tell me?!? Ugh…how long have people been laughing at me???
SMF: For that?? No idea. Laughing at you on general principle??? Probably your entire life I would guess.
ME: i hate you.




ME: You better have Oreos with you when you get here or I may just have to kill you.
SMF: No “Please”? A "Thank You" maybe? Shoot, I’d settle for that sentence in the form of a question at this point.
ME: Babe…would you please bring your PMS-y girlfriend Oreos so she doesn’t eat your face off in a psychotic hormonal rage?
SMF: In that case…Double Stuff or Regular? How bout one of each?




ME: Where are you?!?!? I’ve been waiting at your place for 15 minutes!
SMF: Sorry. I needed TP for my bunghole. ;-)
ME: Oh SICK!!!! Jesus can HEAR you, ya know!!!
SMF: Yeah, He heard it the moment I thought it. So???
ME: Well, you already made Jesus cry! Why subject ME to your sick and twisted mind too?!?!?!
SMF: Just making sure you still want to get married someday.




SMF: Babe, if we were married and I went to a whore house to get a striptease and a sensual massage, would that be cheating?
ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (That was me until you apparently went F-ING RETARDED!)
SMF: Seriously, is that cheating? (Holy crap! She’s massaging him with her bare boobs!!!)
ME: babe, it’s 3AM…are you serious?
SMF: Yeah! Is THAT part of marriage?? Cuz if yes, get yer ass up! We’re going to Vegas!
ME: No. That’s cheating. What the hell are you doing over there anyway?
SMF: Watching a documentary.
ME: Babe, for the LAST TIME…pornography = NOT documentary!!!
SMF: It’s HBO! Of COURSE it’s a documentary!
ME: Phone = Off! Bye!




ME: It’s possible that I could be sitting here listening to Britney Spears’ “(You Drive Me) Crazy”….willingly….and liking it.
SMF: And it’s possible that I could be sitting here getting a lap dance from a big tittied blonde….willingly….and liking it.
ME: HEY! Only ONE of those activities would result in you being single!
SMF: You sure about that????




SMF: How’s the paper coming? You still awake?
ME: please kill me.
SMF: You CLOSE to being done?
ME: I think I’m closer to my 30th birthday.
SMF: Okay, well I’m going to support you in my sleep. Try and finish soon, okay?
ME: wimp.




ME: Hey babe, what does ‘tig ol’ bitties’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ME: What?!?!?! Just tell me.
SMF: It’s rappers switching letters around so they can say ‘big ol’ titties’ on the radio.
ME: SHUT UP!!! Really???
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why do you think I got so upset when that guy at the bar told you you had nice TIGS?
ME: I don’t know!!! I thought he said ‘eyes’. It was loud in there and I thought you were being your testosterone poisoned self!
SMF: HAHAHAHA!!!! What rock do you LIVE under anyway?
ME: The ‘White Suburbanite’ one apparently!
SMF: You are no longer allowed to listen to rap unsupervised.




ME: Yer butt looks hot when you do that. ;-)
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You wouldn’t be saying that if you were actually here.
ME: ??????
SMF: I’m taking a dump.
ME: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! My mental eyeballs are scarred for life!!!! Sick.




SMF: Whatcha up to Dingle?
ME: Shoppin’ with Da Gurls!
SMF: My apologies to the mall employees!
ME: Hush yer face! We’re having some lunch to recharge our batteries for bra shopping.
SMF: HOLD UP! How come when you and I go shopping you only ever need to buy tampons or Q-tips?
ME: I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned wanting to go underwear shopping.
SMF: Babe. You have boobs. Boobs need bras. I like boobs. I particularly like YOUR boobs…in bras. I’m not seeing how you don’t get this.




SMF: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHY IS IT IN MY MEDICINE CABINET?!?!?!?!?
ME: Okay, babe, one more time…typically you text message because you and I are not in the same location and you want to communicate with me. In other words…I CAN’T SEE WHAT YER LOOKING AT!!!!
SMF: This thing…it’s brown, with a metal end…in a Vshape….it’s just plain scary. What is it??
ME: Just send me a pic.
SMF:



SMF: If it goes anywhere near any of my favorite Girl Parts please don’t tell me. I’ll put it in the drawer and pretend I never found it!
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a cuticle trimmer. Totally harmless. Except it’s sharp…be careful.
SMF: I’ve established that. OW!
ME: *sigh* Before we have kids I’m having yer swimmers IQ tested.
SMF: Hey now, little Miss "What Does Fo Shizzle My Nizzle Mean"!!!!


Do ya'll see why we're going to need SERIOUS pre-marital counseling?!?!?!? And flexible phone plans??? And alcohol??? Lots of alcohol.


(I know I sort of opened a can of worms with my last post. I'm still working through all the worms. When I get somewhere, I'll update you. *sigh* This is why my therapist's 9 kids will ALL go to Ivy League schools....)

The One About Finals Week.....Another One

I almost forgot to ring in Bobby's favorite time of year!!! And since I cannot deny my all-time favorite blog-crush his happiness.....here it is:


Finals Week 2007!!!! Wooooo!!!! Show us your boobs!!!!!


Well, now that we have the blessed event firmly established I can move on, yes???

In honor of college students everywhere (and in honor of the fact that I REAAAAAAAALLY shouldn't be wasting my time screwing around on the internet) I'm going to post lists! (I know, you can hardly contain yourselves.)

You know you're a college student if.....

1) You feel it necessary to put every little thing you do in your away message. (Potty break!!!! BRB!)

2) When you say, "Next year" you mean "In the fall".

3) "What's your major?" is your default pick-up line.

4) You've written a check for a pack of gum.

5) Ramen Noodles are a food group and Domino's is on speed dial.

6) It no longer bothers you to shower with shoes on.

7) A baseball cap and chewing gum count as personal hygiene.

8) You've done laundry at 4 a.m because you were bored and couldn't think of anything better. (Bonus points if it was a Friday night!)

9) You've bought a book for $150 without batting an eyelash.

10) Fifteen weeks later you sell the same unused book back for $7.....without batting an eyelash.

11) Milk crate furniture is considered classy.

12) You're a Tater Tot Casserole connoisseur.
"Ah yes, a good orange block-cheese aroma. 1998 was a good year for Tots. Excellent vintage. Would go best with meatloaf."

13) You've fallen asleep in class......during an exam.....a verbal exam.

14) You can tell what time it is by the noise level in the hallway.
2 AM = enough noise to make dead people wear earplugs;
2 PM = just beginning to hear the sounds of people stirring.

15) "Getting up early" means getting up before noon.

16) Your outside information source is MTV news.

17) You don't need a stove because you have a microwave.

18) You know the exact closing time of all the drive thru windows, within a 10 mile radius.

19) Going "out to dinner" means going to one of those drive thrus.

20) All of your wordly possesions fit into one Honda Civic.....in one trip.

21) You're relieved when you find one pair of underwear in your drawer because
it means you have two more days until you need to do laundry!

22) 5 hours of sleep is considered a lot.

23) You've begged, borrowed and stolen 100 pennies to trade in at student accounting for four quarters.

24) Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero are your workout routines.

25) You get pants-soilingly excited about getting mail.

If College Students Wrote the Bible

*The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
*The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
*New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
*Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
*Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
*Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
*Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
*Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

And because it's fun, an "SMF and Cassie Talk to Each Other" moment brought to you by the letter X--for HOLY CRAP THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!
Cass: What are you eating????
Special Man Friend: Ice Cream
Cass: That's how I'm going to get what I want when we're married huh?
SMF: Try sex first.



So, there ya go! It is now time for me to go write some term papers and practice some presentations that are worth ghastly amounts points towards my final grade. Later Taters, I'm off like a herd o' turtles!

The One with SMF and Cassie Talking to Each Other

Since you heartless bloggers have no emotions and could care less about hearfelt entries (except you Polli!) I'll give you what you came here to get. Pointless Toilet Humor!!!! Woo hoo!

LEGAL NOTICE: These are actual conversations. Any intent to take quotes out of context or misquote certain speakers due to lack of electronic recording devices is entirely purposeful. The author does not consider this libel and therefore sex cannot be witheld as some sort of punishment (that means YOU Special!). In all fairness to the speakers, these conversations have been recorded since March 1, 2007 and oftentimes speakers were unaware notes were being taken. In other words, these are authentic twenty-somethings in their natural habitats.

It is now time for another edition of:

WHAT ROMANCE SOUNDS LIKE

Special Man Friend: I need a rub-down.
ME (The Stunningly Gorgeous, Cassie Blaine) : Oh yeah?
SMF: With oils….
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Sorry. I just got this image of you sliding around the room like a greased pig!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
SMF: And you call ME the unromantic one.



ME: Look! My hair is almost long enough to censor explicit materials!
SMF: So many ways to go...so little brain power to figure out which one to choose!
ME: That could be due to the fact that all the blood has drained out of your head because you won't quit staring at my explicit materials.



ME: I wonder if our parents and the church would let us live together because it’s cheaper.
SMF: Probably not.
ME: What if we told them it was a TWO bedroom apartment.
SMF: Try it. See what happens.
ME: So basically the only way we could live together is if we had cool parents and we were heathen.
SMF: Basically.



ME: What should I call your apartment in my blog?
SMF: “The Apartment”?
ME: That's poetic! [pause] Well, what do you call my dorm in your blog?
SMF: The All-Girls Dorm Where the Panties-Only Tickle Fights Start Promptly at 9.
ME: That sounds like a porn title!
SMF: Not really, it’s too long. If it were a porno it would be Nasty Christian Co-eds in Panties or something.
ME: At least that’s more ACCURATE!
SMF: Now there’s some images for the Spank Bank!



SMF: Know why non-Christian guys attend Christian schools?
ME: Why?
SMF: Cuz good Christian girls drop their panties faster than bad secular girls do.



ME: I wonder if anyone has ever used Glamour Shots for their passport photo.
SMF: Is that REALLY what you think about?!?



SMF: How were the Kindergartners today?
ME: Well, we worked on the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
SMF: Oh, yeah? How’d that go?
ME: Well we got as far as identifying the main characters…Sha-shack, Mee-mack and Abiggo.
SMF: That’s pretty good!
ME: You’ll know I’ve completely lost my mind if I EVER say I want to be a teacher. Don’t ask any questions, just put me in a home and get remarried.



ME: Now really, what do you want your apartment to be called?
SMF: It’s your blog, you make something up.
SMF’S ROOMATE: How about ‘The LoveShack’
SMF: Yeah! Or ‘The Rumba Room’
SMFR: Or ‘The Lair of the Horizontal-Mambo Masters”.
SMF: ‘The Virginity Depository’!!
ME: Alright! So...'Romper Room' it is.



SMF: I really wish you’d change my character name on your blog. It sounds like I’m Special because I have Special Needs or something.
ME: You mean you don’t?!?



ME: Know why good Christian girls attend Christian schools??
SMF: Why?
ME: Because NO ONE drops their panties faster than a good Christian boy!
SMF: I suppose that makes ME exhibit A.



SMF: I’ve decided I don’t like wearing boxers with my scrubs.
ME: Oh yeah?
SMF: Yeah. Things bounce around too much.
ME: Sounds painful.
SMF: It’s not too bad until about the tenth time in a week, you’re standing behind a chair, you turn to do something and it ‘bounces’ into the back of the chair.
ME: [looking up from book] It took you ten times to figure this out?!?



ME: So was that our first real fight?
SMF: No. We’ve had worse ones than that.
ME: Nuh uh! When?!?
SMF: How bout when you were in Maine?
ME: That doesn’t count!! I was too drunk to know we were fighting.
SMF: AH-HA!!! I win! I win! I win! I win!!!!
ME: Win what?!?
SMF: We were fighting about whether or not you were drunk and right now you just admitted you were! I WIN!!!
ME: You lead a sad, sad life.



ME: Help me review for Research Methods.
SMF: Sure. [taking notebook] Name two benefits of conducting survey research.
ME: It’s cheap and easy!
SMF: There’s a ‘Yo Mama’ joke in there somewhere.



ME: [sobbing so hard over the phone I can’t talk]
SMF: Are you PMS-ing?
ME: [screaming into phone] NO!!!!! YOU ASS!!!!
SMF: Are you hormonal?
ME: [laughing hysterically] HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No!!! I feel fine.
SMF: Are you emotional because I have somehow managed to ruin your day even though I have been asleep and haven’t actually spoken to you for six hours?
ME: [back to sobbing] YES!!!
SMF: Okay. I’m just trying to figure out which part of the script I should skip to.....here we go, “I love you so much. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been able to be there for you. How can I make you feel better?”
ME: Yer lucky yer cute. It’s the only thing that keeps me from suffocating you in your sleep.



SMF: UNROMANTIC?!?!? Fine! Next time I’ll just write you a note about how much I wanna stick it in you!!!
ME: That’s all I’m asking for!!!! My kinda romance...
SMF: [silence] Who ARE you?!?



SMF: The ‘Romper Room’ huh? Wanna go for a little romp right now?? [wink]
ME: Nope, but your right hand looks a little lonely.
SMF: That greedy bastard! We already romped this morning in the shower! [walking into kitchen]
ME: Babe, while you’re in there, would you put “shower shoes” on my shopping list.



ME: By the way, HOW THE HELL DO YOU BANG IT INTO CHAIRS?!?
SMF: It just happens!!!
ME: And you’re worried that your blog name makes you look like you have Special Needs!

The One with the Valentine's Day Presents!

THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER!!!!!

Look what was delivered to Tiny Christian University for ME!! I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER received a gift for Valentine's Day, LET ALONE flowers!

I'm so happy I could just pee!!!

The inside of my ENORMOUS Valentine next to my flowers!!

The inside of my Valentine.It's so cuuuuuuuuuuuuuute!

"Thank you for coming into my life and making it better than I knew was possible.

You have given me hope, brought inspiration into my life and have made me a better man for having known you.

I love you with all my heart."

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! He's such a good guy. I can't even begin to express how lucky I am. :-D

The One That Explains EVERYTHING!

Special Man Friend and I couldn't date if we couldn't talk about random things like the following. Please keep in mind these are not paid actors. The following are all REAL conversations.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMF: When hanging out with other guys, it's a good rule of thumb to have on as many clothes as possible.

ME: So if yer sitting on the couch with other guys, you wouldn't just sit there shirtless.

SMF: Yuck, no! Now when you and I are together, a good rule of thumb for YOU to follow is that YOU have as little clothing on as possible.

ME: So when I'm sitting on a couch with guys I should be shirtless?

SMF: HEY! [pause] When were you sitting on a couch with other guys?!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: I don't think you quite comprehend what I mean by "REALLY BAD SEX"

SMF: No....even "really bad sex" still means orgasm for me.

ME: Ugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: I'll ask the black guys to play pool with me!

SMF: No you won't! For two reasons. First they LOVE your body type and would be acting all horny. SECOND you've already told me that you are strangely attracted to thuggish black guys.

ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love you...

SMF: Why?!? Because I'm logical?! Because I make sense?!?

ME: Yes....clearly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMF: Yer kind of in a "Bad Girl" mood aren't you?

ME: No...actually I think I'm getting a headcold.

SMF: You have that "Naughty Girl" tone of voice.

ME: I think you're just hearing the sound of snot dripping down the back of my throat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: What are you doing? [As SMF is jumping around the living room]

SMF: Jumping.

ME: Oh, okay. [Goes back to reading]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Look at that squirrel!!! He looks like an ape!

SMF: Uhhh...

ME: Well, when he's going steppy, steppy not hoppy, hoppy.

SMF: You need a nap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Do I look dumb when I walk?

SMF: WHAT?! No. What kind of a question is that? Next you're going to be asking if you look doofy when you blink.

ME: I look doofy when I blink?!?!?

SMF: [in total deadpan monotone] Yes, yes you do. It turns me on. Ooo baby, ooo baby.

ME: Shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: What do you want for Valentine's Day?

SMF: Well....you could get me that thing we keep meaning to buy but never get around to shopping for. [continues channel surfing]

ME: [silence] You want condoms for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: Think something we use MUCH less frequently.

ME: [more silence] You want food for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: When you blog about this could you please make us sound like something OTHER than starving nymphomaniacs?? [goes back to channel surfing]

(He wanted cologne by the way!!! How the hell was I supposed to guess that from his clues?!?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: [breathless] HEY!!! I JUST DID A ONE HOUR TAE-BO CLASS AND I LOVED IT!!!

SMF: [groggy and grumpy] It's six. Your loving and supportive boyfriend is trying to sleep.

ME: I just wanted to share! I'm going to go shower, then eat some breakfast, then go to class, then do some homework....

SMF: [mumbling while I'm talking] Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Stop thinking so hard. You might hurt your brain and you need that.

SMF: I don't need a brain!

ME: Oh really?
SMF: Not as much as I need my penis!

ME: That line of thinking is precisely why the world is the way it is!

The One in Which SMF Guest Authors...And Makes Me Cry.

SMF asked if he could guest-author AND I said yes with much trepidation THEN he surprised me and made me fall in love even more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[[Author's note: I've beeen reading Cass's blog for as long as she's been writing and I don't think she's done a very good job letting everyone know what kind of a Girl she is. I asked if I could author a blog about her. All you REALLY need to know is that on my blog I refer to her as Girl so that's what I'm calling her here as well. I want you to see what I see.]]

Girl came to church alone. We always arrive at different times. It was just another ordinary Sunday morning. I had begun my laps around the interior searching for Girl when I came around the corner into Fellowship Hall.

There she was. It wasn't that her clothes were particularly stunning. Her make-up was rather ordinary. I had seen her hair like that dozens of times. I had gazed at that sweet face, lost myself in those endless brown eyes hundreds of times in the past, but something about her was different today.

I don't want to describe the moment with cliches. There was nothing cliche about what I saw. "She glowed." "Light shone all around her." "Colors seemed brighter." "I heard music when there was none." All these statements belittle the moment I experienced.

The best way I could describe it is...........she simply existed. Joyful. Energetic Lovely. Playful. Deep. Thoughtful. Serious. Sexy. Powerful. Sincere. Sultry. Intoxicating. Honest. Loving. Sweet. Inspirational. She was all of these things at the same time.

I realized I wasn't even really "drawn to her". I was content to just stay where I was and witness something I could never explain--feel emotions I don't have names for. I wanted the moment to last a lifetime and at the same time it was like standing next to a blast furnace, I wanted so desperately to back away from the intensity.

When I saw her standing there, chatting with our Old Crones of the church, I felt like I could read her thoughts. The smile that lit up her face was so radiant and lovely I couldn't help but smile along with her. Girl's deepest, innermost joys were written in that smile. I could feel my adrenaline start pumping as I plotted the demise of anything that might make that smile falter.

I was suddenly wrapped up in the idea of spending the rest of my life with her. I was dumbstruck with the magnitude of the challenge. God was expecting me to Care For and Understand and Support and Struggle Alongside and Make Love To and Cherish and Challenge and Have Fun With and Adore this incredibly ethreal woman....for the rest of my life.

I began to realize that I am intended to be the earthly manifestation of all the things she needs God to be for her. When she cries out to her Father in anguish I am expected to catch her tears. When she raises her hands in praise, I am expected to fall to my knees and thank God. When Girl can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I am expected to light the lamp. When she needs a hug, I am expected to open my arms.

I was nearly crying out myself in pure terror at the idea. And just as soon as the thought had left my head, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. I watched as she slowly began to peel off the coat I had given her for Christmas. She unwound her super long scarf and pulled off her gloves by tugging on each finger. I couldn't take my eyes off those familiar arms as they embraced Pastor's Wife in a friendly hug. Her tiny hands held the other woman's hands gently and lovingly. I watched her deep brown eyes cloud with concern and genuine compassion as PW explained the breaking news of the Church.

Every one of her movements was so familiar, I felt I could predict each before they even happened. The way she tossed her hair when she laughed was so well-known to me, I could envision where each and every silky strand was going to land. This stunning woman had been created as my equal. She had been specifically designed to awaken these thoughts, feelings and emotions. She was, IS, the other half I have been searching for for 27 years!

To say Girl "broke the mold" the day she was created is again, an understatement. I see that God designed every little inch of this surreal woman. When I saw her in the doorway, framed in the early morning light, I knew for a fact that she was created for me.

I also realized that I was created for her. I can't say that she's ever had the same sensation I experienced, she's never mentioned any. That Sunday I understood what a precious and remarkable gift God was giving to me. He was trusting me with His most beloved creation. She is His PRECIOUS daughter! He was challenging me and I feel ready for the challenge.

The moment I just described lasted no more than five minutes; shorter than it took me to write about it. The moment was over when she looked up and caught my eyes. I can't imagine what she saw, but the smile she gave me lit up my heart and almost made me cry. All I could manage to do was move toward her. I forced my feet to move. After what seemed like the longest second of my life, I was standing next to her.

I had the overwhelming sense to wrap her in my arms, press her head to my chest and never let her go. I wanted to ravish her right then and there. I wanted to kiss her favorite spot on her forehead and smile and laugh and act like nothing had just happened. I wanted to never be away from her again.

All I could actually do was reach out and squeeze her hand. She squeezed back and I knew, in that little squeeze, that it's possible to have Heaven on Earth.

The One with Part II

I DID NEED A BLACK DRESS!!! YAY!

First Special Man Friend took me to dinner at the House of Blues Restaurant and I spent the whole meal begging him to tell me where we were going. He must have been dying of laughter the whole time! Little did I know, but we were going across the street.

SMF had gotten us tickets to see Jeremy Camp at the HOB! (For those of you NOT from around dese hurr parts, that's House of Blues.) I LOVE, love, LOVE! Jeremy Camp. I'm shocked I didn't know he was coming to town. Lucky for me, SMF loves Mr. Camp as well, and he kept closer tabs on Jeremy's concert dates. SMF and I actually met because of this particular artist, so he and I hold a special place in our hearts for Camp and his music.

Once upon a time, I was searching for video codes for my MySpace profile, of Jeremy's song, "I'll Take You Back" and having no luck. I finally ditched the Google searching and did a search on MySpace. It kicked back about 50 profiles that mentioned something about "video", "codes", "Jeremy", or "Camp".

I began clicking on profiles and getting more and more depressed. All I could find were a zillion people that LIKED Jeremy Camp but didn't have his video in their profiles. I eventually ran out of time and had to head to class.

Rather than "X-ing" out of the server, I just diminshed the window and went to class. I also went out to dinner, then I went on a date with my boyfriend at the time. I also broke up with said boyfriend that night and came back to the dorm despondent.

I let myself into my room and sat in front of my laptop to do some journaling. I realized I had left my browser open and maximized it to see what I had been doing. When I saw the list of profiles, I started clicking random ones. At this point I was DESPERATE to have that song.

After about 10 profiles resulting in nothing. I was about to go to bed and clicked on one last one. Wouldn't you know it??? There was my song! I didn't even bother to see who the person was, I just sent off a quick email asking for the video code and jumped in bed hoping for the best.

The next day I checked my MySpace messages and there next to the subject line "Giving you what you asked for" was the little thumbnail of a VERY good looking guy....holding a guitar. I assumed the message was a spam message and was about to delete it when I decided to take a look anyway. Inside was 50 lines of HTML that made up the code for the Jeremy Camp video!!!

I was so amazed! I decided to check out this guy's profile to see where he lived and if he was a Christian. I clicked on the link, and promptly went out to lunch with some friends, went to Barnes & Noble for a couple hours and then came back and had dinner at the cafeteria.

By the time I got back to the dorm I was ready to get comfy and do some relaxing. I noticed the webpage on my screen and wandered over to see what I had been doing earlier. What I found was the profile of a twenty-something hot musician who lived 20 minutes away from where I was going to school. I replied to his email and told him the following things:

1. You need smile more! It's Christmas!! [He had a VERY serious face and was in front of a Christmas tree in his picture.]
2. Are you going to school around here?
3. How did you come to like Jeremy Camp?
4. Why are guys with guitars so much hotter than 'regular' guys?


And we were off!!! The flirting and the talking and the connecting that followed was unlike anything I had ever experienced before in my dating history. SMF finally worked up the cajones to ask for my number and called the following day. We talked for nine straight hours that night. We decided to keep talking for another week on the phone, and then finally decided to meet.

I have never looked back since that first date. I have enjoyed every minute of this crazy ride and I'm happy to say that SMF and I are planning our lives around the understanding that we're going to be married. It's incredible how life seems to fall into place sometimes!

Siting there last night with this handsome guy, holding his hand and enjoying really good music was one of the happiest moments I have had in the last three years. I looked around at all the other couples there and realized that I was above and beyond luckier than ALL of them! Last night was wonderful and the whole time we were at the show, I just kept thanking God (and Jeremy) for leading me to the most wonderful man in the world.