The One That Explains EVERYTHING!

Special Man Friend and I couldn't date if we couldn't talk about random things like the following. Please keep in mind these are not paid actors. The following are all REAL conversations.



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SMF: When hanging out with other guys, it's a good rule of thumb to have on as many clothes as possible.

ME: So if yer sitting on the couch with other guys, you wouldn't just sit there shirtless.

SMF: Yuck, no! Now when you and I are together, a good rule of thumb for YOU to follow is that YOU have as little clothing on as possible.

ME: So when I'm sitting on a couch with guys I should be shirtless?

SMF: HEY! [pause] When were you sitting on a couch with other guys?!?
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ME: I don't think you quite comprehend what I mean by "REALLY BAD SEX"

SMF: No....even "really bad sex" still means orgasm for me.

ME: Ugh.
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ME: I'll ask the black guys to play pool with me!

SMF: No you won't! For two reasons. First they LOVE your body type and would be acting all horny. SECOND you've already told me that you are strangely attracted to thuggish black guys.

ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love you...

SMF: Why?!? Because I'm logical?! Because I make sense?!?

ME: Yes....clearly.
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SMF: Yer kind of in a "Bad Girl" mood aren't you?

ME: No...actually I think I'm getting a headcold.

SMF: You have that "Naughty Girl" tone of voice.

ME: I think you're just hearing the sound of snot dripping down the back of my throat.
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ME: What are you doing? [As SMF is jumping around the living room]

SMF: Jumping.

ME: Oh, okay. [Goes back to reading]
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ME: Look at that squirrel!!! He looks like an ape!

SMF: Uhhh...

ME: Well, when he's going steppy, steppy not hoppy, hoppy.

SMF: You need a nap.
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ME: Do I look dumb when I walk?

SMF: WHAT?! No. What kind of a question is that? Next you're going to be asking if you look doofy when you blink.

ME: I look doofy when I blink?!?!?

SMF: [in total deadpan monotone] Yes, yes you do. It turns me on. Ooo baby, ooo baby.

ME: Shut up.
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ME: What do you want for Valentine's Day?

SMF: Well....you could get me that thing we keep meaning to buy but never get around to shopping for. [continues channel surfing]

ME: [silence] You want condoms for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: Think something we use MUCH less frequently.

ME: [more silence] You want food for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: When you blog about this could you please make us sound like something OTHER than starving nymphomaniacs?? [goes back to channel surfing]

(He wanted cologne by the way!!! How the hell was I supposed to guess that from his clues?!?)
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ME: [breathless] HEY!!! I JUST DID A ONE HOUR TAE-BO CLASS AND I LOVED IT!!!

SMF: [groggy and grumpy] It's six. Your loving and supportive boyfriend is trying to sleep.

ME: I just wanted to share! I'm going to go shower, then eat some breakfast, then go to class, then do some homework....

SMF: [mumbling while I'm talking] Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive.
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ME: Stop thinking so hard. You might hurt your brain and you need that.

SMF: I don't need a brain!

ME: Oh really?
SMF: Not as much as I need my penis!

ME: That line of thinking is precisely why the world is the way it is!