9.17.2009

Randomness is the Name of the Game

I have some things brewing that really have nowhere to overflow to but here.


1) I need to move out but can't afford to....or I'm too scared to take the leap of faith it would require. My parents are charging a ridiculous amount of rent that I, some months, cannot pay. The amount they're charging is enough to pay for my own place but I know well enough that not paying your parents is one thing.....not paying a landlord is quite another!

2) I wouldn't feel so pressed to jump from my parents' ship if I could stop hearing the following sentence, "You need to make a plan on your days off for how you're going to make a contribution to the family." Really??? I thought my multiple hundreds of dollars per month would be enough of a contribution. I need to play laundress and cleaning lady as well? Somehow I missed that in the fine print.

3) I have a friend. She is one that I adore immensely but is at the same time needy and overbearing. Her self-esteem is so low that every other sentence out of her mouth is a bash against herself. I have tried every psychology tactic I can muster and the problem seems to not be clearing up. Spending time with her is becoming emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. I have tried telling her that if she wants to spend time with me, she needs to bring her happy face. This only goes to further her belief that I don't REALLY want to spend time with her and thusly she is the most unlikeable person on the planet. I CAN'T WIN!

4) My Not-So-Ex, Ex Special Man Friend is throwing me for a loop. We took a ninety day hiatus from all forms of communication after our break-up in order to get a clean break and to begin healing. My feelings for him have not diminished one iota. I'm actually very surprised. When SMF was in town a couple of weeks ago, he and I spent time together and it was as if nothing at all had changed. Never mind the fact that he and I hadn't laid eyes on one another for over a year, we were able to fall into the same rhythm and ease which we always had when we had been together. Apparently, there is a part of me that is unwilling to let go of that fact. It's not everyday that you find that with someone right?? And certainly LESS frequently when you combine it with the intense love we have for one another, yes?? So it would be stupid of me to toss it aside wouldn't it? Being together is not an option for either of us right now. We both have callings in our current locations and we're both feeling lead to stay and honor our commitments.

5) I'm going to start school again in the Spring. What am I gonna be when I grow up??? Good question! I have no clue. Stepmom is pushing for the Education tract and Dad keeps telling me to get the business degree. It's all up in the air right now and I'm feeling all scatter-brained about it. Every time I try and sit down to really think about the future, my brain scampers off down rabbit trails and refuses to let me ponder the possibilities.



That seems to be all the word vomit I can manage for the day. I hope to someday get back to writing on a more regular basis....as soon as I have the means to buy my own computer, I will!

22 comments:

Mrs. Chili said...

Yeah, I feel you.

Really? If you can manage it, move out. You'll feel much better, I think, and you'll be able to ditch the resentment that I hear in this post.

Don't worry that you don't know what you want to be when you grow up. That knowledge is a gift that precious few of us ever receive. Just keep feeling around until you find what clicks for you, and don't feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone but you.

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