I don't know what it is about winter and its insistence on sucking all things fun out of life, what with the empty bank accounts, short daylight hours and horrendous traffic, winter makes life dull and dry.

It also happens to make my skin dull and dry as well. (Creative transition, no?) By the time Spring decides to come wandering back to the Midwest, I have used three times my body weight in lotion, moisturizing body wash and damage repairing conditioner.

Also by that time, the typical Midwest farmer's daughter has also found eleventy billion creative ways to layer her clothing so only the most NECESSARY amounts of skin are visible (vulnerable) to the dry, nasty winter air. Except.....some of them, the heartier of us farmgirls, forget (don't care) about their feet!

Ladies...if you are going to insist on wearing flip flops all the way into the cold season, you better commit yourselves to the same maintenance routine you had in the summer.

No one should wear flip flops without first doing some sort of paw grooming! Feet. Are. Gross. I don’t care who you are! This means regular pedicures with special attention to cracked heels and dry skin.

On the other hand, guys should never walk around with their feet visible in public. EVER! Not once! NEVER!!! Guy feet are particularly nasty. I know this seems brutal, but I’m just trying to stop men from committing a crime against humanity (mainly offending others with your Tyrannosaurus Rex-like feet). I know you guys are between the rock and the hard place. You’re saying, "But Cass!! They make flip flops and open toed shoes for men!!” I know they do sweetie.[insert head patting here] It’s so tempting! Cruel even. I feel for you.

But let’s look at why open –toed shoes came into existence in the first place. Women spend ridiculous amounts of money to look as good as they do. Surprisingly enough it doesn’t come naturally...I know, I hear bubbles bursting EVERYWHERE!

This means that we even spend money on beautifying our FEET!! Those nasty things attached to our ankles that keep us from falling over when we stand...yeah, we scrub, lotion, trim and paint them. So naturally after all this, WE WANT YOU GUYS TO SEE THEM!!! (I don’t know who thought this was a good idea in the first place, but I’ll admit I have my fair share of strappy shoes.)

Guys generally do NOTHING to maintain their feet. Your opinion is, they’re feet…they’re supposed to look gross. And while I do agree about the grossness, GUY feet go beyond the realms of gross. So please, for the love of all things holy, keep them covered!

And please don’t fall into the trap that girls have laid out, oh so cunningly. Do not allow any amount of eyelash batting or hair flipping convince you a man looks manly with a pedicure! This is a lie...watch out for women and their wily ways.

"Lots of other guys get pedicures" is a lie that was started by salon owners and fed to women to pass along to their unsuspecting significant others. Men should not have trimmed cuticles, smooth heels and glossy toenails! It is unnatural and it throws off the entire molecular balance of the species.

Guys, resist the urge to get a pedicure in order to wear a nice pair of river trek sandals (nice river trek sandals don't exist anyway, so it shoudn't be a peoblem). No, no pedicures on men...not even for Birkenstocks. (I'm still hoping that one day the United States will come back to its senses and banish Birkenstocks and Crocs to the fiery pits of shoe hell in which they belong!) ladies keep schlepping over the frozen tundra to the nail salon. If you are going to insist on wearing flip flops through the snow it needs to be done!

Of course, there IS a simpler solution.....PUT SOME REAL FREAKING SHOES ON!!