The One with the Text Messages

Okay, so remember way back when....I mentioned something about SMF and I working on something hilarious. And then it never came? Remember?

Well here it is. Special Man Friend and I spent countless hours reconstructing ACTUAL text message/IM conversations we have had in the last month.

So, as usual, please remember that these conversations ACTUALLY happened. You know what's even better??? These are TEXT MESSAGES people!!! Texting. Over phones. From different locations. (You'll quickly see why we need "Unlimited Text Messages" on every cellular plan.)

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ME: HI BABY! HI! HI! IT’S MORNING AND I’M TOTALLY STOKED TO SEE YOU!!! HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY??? DID YOU SEE LOTS OF TITTIES?!?!?!?
SMF: why? why? please stop. with the caps. and the exclamation points. why? why so much screaming? i’m so hungover.
ME: Sucks to be you…on so many levels.
SMF: i heard that. (and thanks for not screaming.)




SMF: Wakey wakey baby.
SMF: C’mon sweetie, you need to get up now.
SMF: Babe. Answer me. At least let me know you’re alive.
SMF: Okay, I have now called your cell AND your landline! What’s going on?! Why aren’t you answering me???
SMF: BABE!!! I’M NOT KIDDING! YOU BETTER CALL ME OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CALL 911.
ME: Oh, sorry babe. I was out to breakfast with Mom and I had my phone off. Sorry. Tee hee?!
SMF: babe, yer slowly killing me.




ME: What does ‘Fo Shizzle my Nizzle’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ‘For Sure my N*gger’
ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Why haven’t you ever told me this?!?!?!?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yer kidding, right?
ME: NO!!! I have been going around spewing racial slurs?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? Please tell me yer kidding.
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
ME: Oh dear god…I COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
SMF: When were you ANYWHERE that you were in danger of being shot?
ME: I’m just saying!!! You knew and you didn’t tell me?!? Ugh…how long have people been laughing at me???
SMF: For that?? No idea. Laughing at you on general principle??? Probably your entire life I would guess.
ME: i hate you.




ME: You better have Oreos with you when you get here or I may just have to kill you.
SMF: No “Please”? A "Thank You" maybe? Shoot, I’d settle for that sentence in the form of a question at this point.
ME: Babe…would you please bring your PMS-y girlfriend Oreos so she doesn’t eat your face off in a psychotic hormonal rage?
SMF: In that case…Double Stuff or Regular? How bout one of each?




ME: Where are you?!?!? I’ve been waiting at your place for 15 minutes!
SMF: Sorry. I needed TP for my bunghole. ;-)
ME: Oh SICK!!!! Jesus can HEAR you, ya know!!!
SMF: Yeah, He heard it the moment I thought it. So???
ME: Well, you already made Jesus cry! Why subject ME to your sick and twisted mind too?!?!?!
SMF: Just making sure you still want to get married someday.




SMF: Babe, if we were married and I went to a whore house to get a striptease and a sensual massage, would that be cheating?
ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (That was me until you apparently went F-ING RETARDED!)
SMF: Seriously, is that cheating? (Holy crap! She’s massaging him with her bare boobs!!!)
ME: babe, it’s 3AM…are you serious?
SMF: Yeah! Is THAT part of marriage?? Cuz if yes, get yer ass up! We’re going to Vegas!
ME: No. That’s cheating. What the hell are you doing over there anyway?
SMF: Watching a documentary.
ME: Babe, for the LAST TIME…pornography = NOT documentary!!!
SMF: It’s HBO! Of COURSE it’s a documentary!
ME: Phone = Off! Bye!




ME: It’s possible that I could be sitting here listening to Britney Spears’ “(You Drive Me) Crazy”….willingly….and liking it.
SMF: And it’s possible that I could be sitting here getting a lap dance from a big tittied blonde….willingly….and liking it.
ME: HEY! Only ONE of those activities would result in you being single!
SMF: You sure about that????




SMF: How’s the paper coming? You still awake?
ME: please kill me.
SMF: You CLOSE to being done?
ME: I think I’m closer to my 30th birthday.
SMF: Okay, well I’m going to support you in my sleep. Try and finish soon, okay?
ME: wimp.




ME: Hey babe, what does ‘tig ol’ bitties’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ME: What?!?!?! Just tell me.
SMF: It’s rappers switching letters around so they can say ‘big ol’ titties’ on the radio.
ME: SHUT UP!!! Really???
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why do you think I got so upset when that guy at the bar told you you had nice TIGS?
ME: I don’t know!!! I thought he said ‘eyes’. It was loud in there and I thought you were being your testosterone poisoned self!
SMF: HAHAHAHA!!!! What rock do you LIVE under anyway?
ME: The ‘White Suburbanite’ one apparently!
SMF: You are no longer allowed to listen to rap unsupervised.




ME: Yer butt looks hot when you do that. ;-)
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You wouldn’t be saying that if you were actually here.
ME: ??????
SMF: I’m taking a dump.
ME: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! My mental eyeballs are scarred for life!!!! Sick.




SMF: Whatcha up to Dingle?
ME: Shoppin’ with Da Gurls!
SMF: My apologies to the mall employees!
ME: Hush yer face! We’re having some lunch to recharge our batteries for bra shopping.
SMF: HOLD UP! How come when you and I go shopping you only ever need to buy tampons or Q-tips?
ME: I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned wanting to go underwear shopping.
SMF: Babe. You have boobs. Boobs need bras. I like boobs. I particularly like YOUR boobs…in bras. I’m not seeing how you don’t get this.




SMF: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHY IS IT IN MY MEDICINE CABINET?!?!?!?!?
ME: Okay, babe, one more time…typically you text message because you and I are not in the same location and you want to communicate with me. In other words…I CAN’T SEE WHAT YER LOOKING AT!!!!
SMF: This thing…it’s brown, with a metal end…in a Vshape….it’s just plain scary. What is it??
ME: Just send me a pic.
SMF:



SMF: If it goes anywhere near any of my favorite Girl Parts please don’t tell me. I’ll put it in the drawer and pretend I never found it!
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a cuticle trimmer. Totally harmless. Except it’s sharp…be careful.
SMF: I’ve established that. OW!
ME: *sigh* Before we have kids I’m having yer swimmers IQ tested.
SMF: Hey now, little Miss "What Does Fo Shizzle My Nizzle Mean"!!!!


Do ya'll see why we're going to need SERIOUS pre-marital counseling?!?!?!? And flexible phone plans??? And alcohol??? Lots of alcohol.


(I know I sort of opened a can of worms with my last post. I'm still working through all the worms. When I get somewhere, I'll update you. *sigh* This is why my therapist's 9 kids will ALL go to Ivy League schools....)