My Lame Excuse of An Update

THE INTERNAL WORKINGS OF THE SASS’S BRAIN

Left Brain of Cassie Blaine: Holy potatoes!!! I can’t believe how long it has been since I updated all of my readers regarding my life. I must do that! I must write something NOW NOW NOW.

Right Brain of Cassie Blaine: Oh, hush, mister practical. You know you can’t force the creative process. Just calm down, and soon, we will hear the sweet song of the muse! She will give us our subject, and then she will take us by the hand, and lead us down a path lined with butterflies and ice cream cones.

Left Brain: …Ooookay. Except we don’t have hands.

Right Brain: I am speaking figuratively, Left Brain. You need to think outside the box.

Left Brain: Or, you know, I could ignore your irritating box-talk, and just write something already--which is what I am going to do. I am putting it on my To-Do List right now. See? It is going right here under "Find Full-Time Job Because We Are Not Attending School in the Fall". Let's see....we'll follow that with “Find Apartment in New East Coast Location We Are Moving To" And to round it out, we'll add "Do Laundry or Tomorrow You Have to RECYCLE Your Underwear".

Right Brain: But if you just write any old thing in a blog it won't be sparkly! We shouldn't write now. I think we should sing a song, and then make potholders covered in unicorn glitter.

Left brain: Oh, for the love of GOD, woman, this is a blog. After all this time, it doesn’t need to be beautiful...it just needs to be “not blank.” That is really the only requirement for today: “Not blank.”

Right Brain: You know, when you say things like that, a fairy dies. She just falls down dead.

Left Brain: No fairies die…

Right Brain: FALLS DOWN DEAD--SPLAT. Like that. Because of you.

Left Brain: *Sigh* Oh, we should also get some lunch. I have those healthy leftovers from dinner the other day…

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH.

Left Brain: Or the cafeteria has a spectacular salad ba---

Right Brain: COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH! COOKIE DOUGH!

Left Brain: Holy potatoes, FINE! We will have COOKIE DOUGH for lunch.

Right Brain: (and potato chips.)

Left Brain: AND POTATO CHIPS. Okay. Then we work.

Right Brain: Noooo, then we daydream!

Left Brain: We don’t have time to daydream. We have to write! Write, write, write.

Right Brain: Hey! Lefty! Check out that hot guy over there!!! WOW!

Left Brain: WHERE?!?

Right Brain: Made you look! You know what? Sometimes I wish I were Queen of the World. Then they would bring me all hot male actors on big platters. I could have a buffet of glistening man-entrees! Why doesn’t anyone ever bring me a man on a plate? I’ve been good!

Left Brain: I…what in the world are you talking about?

Right Brain: Do you think Santa could bring me men on plates?

Left Brain: No. I don’t. And we have to blog now. We should blog about…

Right Brain: Men on plates! And Santa.

Left Brain: NO. Let’s write about how much work we’ve been doing while being a live-in nanny this---

Right Brain: Oh, snore. We are NOT going to piss and moan about our workload. That's so boring, plus you do that all the time.

Left Brain: Well, all you’ve come up with is “Men on Plates” and "cookie dough with potato chips for lunch".

Right Brain: And Santa!

Left Brain: Yes. Exactly. Let us not forget Santa. You are making my point for me, thank you.

Right Brain: Hey, Captain Boring! Wanna know what I really like? That song from Friends.

Left Brain: No, you don’t.

Right Brain: Oh, indeed I DO. And I shall start singing it right now, until you agree to not blog about how busy you are.

Left Brain: Oh, please…please, don’t do that.

Right Brain: So no one told you life was gonna be this way CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!

Left Brain: La, la, la, la! I can't hear you!!!!!

Right Brain: Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Left Brain: JESUS, MARY AND JOSPEH! Will you PLEASE SHUT UP?!?

Right Brain: (humming).

Left Brain: Great, thank you.Now I’m singing it. I wonder if it is possible to plan a stroke. To plan a stroke that only affects the RIGHT SIDE OF ONE’S BRAIN.

Right Brain: Oh, let’s not fight. Let’s cuddle.

Left Brain: I don’t WANT to cuddle. I WANT to update the blog, find a full-time job, find a place to live, baby-sit the kids and then do some laundry.... OF MY OWN!

Right Brain: Oooo! Oooo! Maybe if we go to SMF's apartment he'll do our laundry...dressed only in his boxers! That could be fun!

Left Brain: Ugh. NO! I have things to do.....but I DO need to do laundry. Plus, we'd get to cross something off the To-Do List. You know how much I like doing that...

Right Brain: Exactly!!! Then after the shower we can have him get on a big platter and....

Left Brain: STOP IT!!!! I'm not going to his place. We have WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much to do. We certainly do not have time to daydream about SMF on a platter....

Right Brain: Fine, be that way. How 'bout we just go over there and canoodle with SMF?

Left Brain: …well, he does need some canoodling.

Right Brain: And he’s just sitting there all snuggly, wuggly looking....

Left Brain: I HATE YOU.

Right Brain: Do not. I sparkle!

Left Brain: (sob.)

Right Brain: Oh, come on now! Come on, what do you want to do? Do you want to update the blog? Will that make you happy?

Left Brain: No.

Right Brain: Do you want to daydream about men on platters?

Left Brain: NO!

Right Brain: Okay, okay. Do you want to play solitaire?

Left Brain: I…sort of.

Right Brain: Well, okay! THERE WE GO, LITTLE CAMPER. You go play some solitaire, with all that logical, deductive reasoning of yours.

Left Brain: (sniff). Okay. What are you going to do?

Right Brain: Think about Josh Hartnett on a really big platter......doing my laundry in his boxers.

Left Brain: Is that all?

Right Brain: Well, how 'bout I update the blog too?

Left Brain: But…you? Nobody will ever come back! If you write it, they’ll see the innermost workings of Cassie’s brain, and they’ll all run away, screaming.

Right Brain: Oh, hush. It’s better than blank, right?

Left Brain: I mean…yeah. Okay, you’re right. Just…

Right Brain: Yeah?

Left Brain: Promise not to mention the men on platters.

Due to the last entry, SMF believes that he and I use the word “Babe” too much. However I pointed out that although the word may be spelled the same and pronounced the same, it is a TOTALLY different word almost every time we us it.

Such as:


“Babe.” = “Look, I’ll explain this only one more time…” Mainly used by SMF and usually happens afer….

“Ummm…babe?” = “Ummmm…I’m about to ask you something and I might end up looking like Jessica Simpson and her Chicken of the Sea moment, please don’t laugh so hard that you cause injury.” (I use this one more often than I care to admit)

“Babe!” = “If you don’t knock that off right now, I’m going to deck you.” (used by me when SMF decides to work on his NFL tackling skills or used by SMF when I decide to ‘clean out his clogged pores’.)

“Hey Babe.” = Our typical phone greeting

“BABE!” = “No, you don’t look fat. Yes, those shoes match. Yes, yer hair looks great. Yes, I love that dress. Now can we PLEASE, for the love of all things holy, walk out the door so I don’t start eating my own arm?!?” (Look, it’s not MY problem that I want to look good for him! Yeesh.)

“Babe…” = “You exasperate me. You and yer annoying habits irritate the pants off of me. (“No! Not like that! Get off of me!”) Remind me again why we’re dating?” (Used by both of us)

“Baby?????” = “Please, oh please, oh please buy me this!!!!” (Used only by me. Although when SMF hears the ‘Y’ at the end, he suddenly is unable to understand the English language. Jerk.)

“Hey, Babe?” = “Hey, yer closer to whatever it is I’m about to ask you for and I’m too lazy to get up and get it myself.” (Used by both of us, usually when we’re in the throes of a TV induced, comatose state.)

“Awww, babe…” = “Well, shit. I didn’t mean to make you cry! I was just being a testosterone poisoned ass because it’s a day that ends in ‘Y’! I can’t help it!! It just happens. PLEASE DON’T STOP HAVING SEX WITH ME!” (Take a wild guess on who uses this one…)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATED TO INCLUDE THIS PSA FROM A CERTAIN SPECIAL MAN FRIEND!!

Alright, folks??? Want to know the SITUATIONS that happen to surround the “Baby?????” usage?

Read these two PRIME examples....then tell me I'm a jerk. (Keep in mind that this is the girl that wants a total of 14 people in our wedding party!!! I'm trying to save money here.)

1) We were at the mall and I got distracted by the Sharper Image displays. I let her out of my sight for ONE SECOND!! (I know! I know! Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.) Next thing I know she's in a jewelry store with a TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR DIAMOND on her finger. She's standing there looking all cute, showin' off her clevage and battin' her eyelashes sayin, “Baby?????” Um, yeah. In that case, NO HABLO INGLES!

2) We're leaving the movie theater and heading towards my car. Suddenly she darts out of my reach and she's standing next to a little red Miata doing the “Baby?????” routine. My only response was to start chattin up the blonde who getting into her car and wouldn't you know it??? Suddenly Cass materializes next to my arm and is murderously quiet while I finish my conversation with the blonde regarding her windshield wipers.


Okay....let it rip. I'm a big jerk.

The One with the Text Messages

Okay, so remember way back when....I mentioned something about SMF and I working on something hilarious. And then it never came? Remember?

Well here it is. Special Man Friend and I spent countless hours reconstructing ACTUAL text message/IM conversations we have had in the last month.

So, as usual, please remember that these conversations ACTUALLY happened. You know what's even better??? These are TEXT MESSAGES people!!! Texting. Over phones. From different locations. (You'll quickly see why we need "Unlimited Text Messages" on every cellular plan.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: HI BABY! HI! HI! IT’S MORNING AND I’M TOTALLY STOKED TO SEE YOU!!! HOW WAS THE BACHELOR PARTY??? DID YOU SEE LOTS OF TITTIES?!?!?!?
SMF: why? why? please stop. with the caps. and the exclamation points. why? why so much screaming? i’m so hungover.
ME: Sucks to be you…on so many levels.
SMF: i heard that. (and thanks for not screaming.)




SMF: Wakey wakey baby.
SMF: C’mon sweetie, you need to get up now.
SMF: Babe. Answer me. At least let me know you’re alive.
SMF: Okay, I have now called your cell AND your landline! What’s going on?! Why aren’t you answering me???
SMF: BABE!!! I’M NOT KIDDING! YOU BETTER CALL ME OR I WILL SERIOUSLY CALL 911.
ME: Oh, sorry babe. I was out to breakfast with Mom and I had my phone off. Sorry. Tee hee?!
SMF: babe, yer slowly killing me.




ME: What does ‘Fo Shizzle my Nizzle’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!!! ‘For Sure my N*gger’
ME: WHAT?!?!?!?!? Why haven’t you ever told me this?!?!?!?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Yer kidding, right?
ME: NO!!! I have been going around spewing racial slurs?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me??? Please tell me yer kidding.
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
ME: Oh dear god…I COULD HAVE BEEN SHOT!!!
SMF: When were you ANYWHERE that you were in danger of being shot?
ME: I’m just saying!!! You knew and you didn’t tell me?!? Ugh…how long have people been laughing at me???
SMF: For that?? No idea. Laughing at you on general principle??? Probably your entire life I would guess.
ME: i hate you.




ME: You better have Oreos with you when you get here or I may just have to kill you.
SMF: No “Please”? A "Thank You" maybe? Shoot, I’d settle for that sentence in the form of a question at this point.
ME: Babe…would you please bring your PMS-y girlfriend Oreos so she doesn’t eat your face off in a psychotic hormonal rage?
SMF: In that case…Double Stuff or Regular? How bout one of each?




ME: Where are you?!?!? I’ve been waiting at your place for 15 minutes!
SMF: Sorry. I needed TP for my bunghole. ;-)
ME: Oh SICK!!!! Jesus can HEAR you, ya know!!!
SMF: Yeah, He heard it the moment I thought it. So???
ME: Well, you already made Jesus cry! Why subject ME to your sick and twisted mind too?!?!?!
SMF: Just making sure you still want to get married someday.




SMF: Babe, if we were married and I went to a whore house to get a striptease and a sensual massage, would that be cheating?
ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (That was me until you apparently went F-ING RETARDED!)
SMF: Seriously, is that cheating? (Holy crap! She’s massaging him with her bare boobs!!!)
ME: babe, it’s 3AM…are you serious?
SMF: Yeah! Is THAT part of marriage?? Cuz if yes, get yer ass up! We’re going to Vegas!
ME: No. That’s cheating. What the hell are you doing over there anyway?
SMF: Watching a documentary.
ME: Babe, for the LAST TIME…pornography = NOT documentary!!!
SMF: It’s HBO! Of COURSE it’s a documentary!
ME: Phone = Off! Bye!




ME: It’s possible that I could be sitting here listening to Britney Spears’ “(You Drive Me) Crazy”….willingly….and liking it.
SMF: And it’s possible that I could be sitting here getting a lap dance from a big tittied blonde….willingly….and liking it.
ME: HEY! Only ONE of those activities would result in you being single!
SMF: You sure about that????




SMF: How’s the paper coming? You still awake?
ME: please kill me.
SMF: You CLOSE to being done?
ME: I think I’m closer to my 30th birthday.
SMF: Okay, well I’m going to support you in my sleep. Try and finish soon, okay?
ME: wimp.




ME: Hey babe, what does ‘tig ol’ bitties’ mean?
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
ME: What?!?!?! Just tell me.
SMF: It’s rappers switching letters around so they can say ‘big ol’ titties’ on the radio.
ME: SHUT UP!!! Really???
SMF: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Why do you think I got so upset when that guy at the bar told you you had nice TIGS?
ME: I don’t know!!! I thought he said ‘eyes’. It was loud in there and I thought you were being your testosterone poisoned self!
SMF: HAHAHAHA!!!! What rock do you LIVE under anyway?
ME: The ‘White Suburbanite’ one apparently!
SMF: You are no longer allowed to listen to rap unsupervised.




ME: Yer butt looks hot when you do that. ;-)
SMF: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You wouldn’t be saying that if you were actually here.
ME: ??????
SMF: I’m taking a dump.
ME: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!! My mental eyeballs are scarred for life!!!! Sick.




SMF: Whatcha up to Dingle?
ME: Shoppin’ with Da Gurls!
SMF: My apologies to the mall employees!
ME: Hush yer face! We’re having some lunch to recharge our batteries for bra shopping.
SMF: HOLD UP! How come when you and I go shopping you only ever need to buy tampons or Q-tips?
ME: I don’t know. You’ve never mentioned wanting to go underwear shopping.
SMF: Babe. You have boobs. Boobs need bras. I like boobs. I particularly like YOUR boobs…in bras. I’m not seeing how you don’t get this.




SMF: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS AND WHY IS IT IN MY MEDICINE CABINET?!?!?!?!?
ME: Okay, babe, one more time…typically you text message because you and I are not in the same location and you want to communicate with me. In other words…I CAN’T SEE WHAT YER LOOKING AT!!!!
SMF: This thing…it’s brown, with a metal end…in a Vshape….it’s just plain scary. What is it??
ME: Just send me a pic.
SMF:



SMF: If it goes anywhere near any of my favorite Girl Parts please don’t tell me. I’ll put it in the drawer and pretend I never found it!
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a cuticle trimmer. Totally harmless. Except it’s sharp…be careful.
SMF: I’ve established that. OW!
ME: *sigh* Before we have kids I’m having yer swimmers IQ tested.
SMF: Hey now, little Miss "What Does Fo Shizzle My Nizzle Mean"!!!!


Do ya'll see why we're going to need SERIOUS pre-marital counseling?!?!?!? And flexible phone plans??? And alcohol??? Lots of alcohol.


(I know I sort of opened a can of worms with my last post. I'm still working through all the worms. When I get somewhere, I'll update you. *sigh* This is why my therapist's 9 kids will ALL go to Ivy League schools....)

The One About Finals Week.....Another One

I almost forgot to ring in Bobby's favorite time of year!!! And since I cannot deny my all-time favorite blog-crush his happiness.....here it is:


Finals Week 2007!!!! Wooooo!!!! Show us your boobs!!!!!


Well, now that we have the blessed event firmly established I can move on, yes???

In honor of college students everywhere (and in honor of the fact that I REAAAAAAAALLY shouldn't be wasting my time screwing around on the internet) I'm going to post lists! (I know, you can hardly contain yourselves.)

You know you're a college student if.....

1) You feel it necessary to put every little thing you do in your away message. (Potty break!!!! BRB!)

2) When you say, "Next year" you mean "In the fall".

3) "What's your major?" is your default pick-up line.

4) You've written a check for a pack of gum.

5) Ramen Noodles are a food group and Domino's is on speed dial.

6) It no longer bothers you to shower with shoes on.

7) A baseball cap and chewing gum count as personal hygiene.

8) You've done laundry at 4 a.m because you were bored and couldn't think of anything better. (Bonus points if it was a Friday night!)

9) You've bought a book for $150 without batting an eyelash.

10) Fifteen weeks later you sell the same unused book back for $7.....without batting an eyelash.

11) Milk crate furniture is considered classy.

12) You're a Tater Tot Casserole connoisseur.
"Ah yes, a good orange block-cheese aroma. 1998 was a good year for Tots. Excellent vintage. Would go best with meatloaf."

13) You've fallen asleep in class......during an exam.....a verbal exam.

14) You can tell what time it is by the noise level in the hallway.
2 AM = enough noise to make dead people wear earplugs;
2 PM = just beginning to hear the sounds of people stirring.

15) "Getting up early" means getting up before noon.

16) Your outside information source is MTV news.

17) You don't need a stove because you have a microwave.

18) You know the exact closing time of all the drive thru windows, within a 10 mile radius.

19) Going "out to dinner" means going to one of those drive thrus.

20) All of your wordly possesions fit into one Honda Civic.....in one trip.

21) You're relieved when you find one pair of underwear in your drawer because
it means you have two more days until you need to do laundry!

22) 5 hours of sleep is considered a lot.

23) You've begged, borrowed and stolen 100 pennies to trade in at student accounting for four quarters.

24) Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero are your workout routines.

25) You get pants-soilingly excited about getting mail.

If College Students Wrote the Bible

*The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning--cold.
*The Ten Commandments would actually be only five--double-spaced and written in a large font.
*New edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
*Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
*Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
*Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
*Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask for directions and look like freshmen.
*Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

And because it's fun, an "SMF and Cassie Talk to Each Other" moment brought to you by the letter X--for HOLY CRAP THAT'S INAPPROPRIATE!
Cass: What are you eating????
Special Man Friend: Ice Cream
Cass: That's how I'm going to get what I want when we're married huh?
SMF: Try sex first.



So, there ya go! It is now time for me to go write some term papers and practice some presentations that are worth ghastly amounts points towards my final grade. Later Taters, I'm off like a herd o' turtles!

This has been reposted from a different blog I have. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent....namely, me.

*sigh* I don't know if any of you can relate, but sometimes I just HATE studying the Bible like it's a textbook. I understand that we're at a Christian university--we need to take Bible classes. Fine, I get it. I will admit that in these required classes I have learned a lot that I hadn't known before.....placing your hand under your Father's thigh was a way of taking an oath. Who knew?? FASCINATING!!! That revelation has completely opened my eyes to God's Word and has deepened my understanding of His message of Salvation. But moving on...

I was just released from one of the most frustrating class meetings I have ever had while here at Tiny Christian University. Doc Rock's New Testament class was taught by her TA today. Judging by the doofy clothes, the smug attitude and the way he threw words like, "Ecclesiology", "Gnosticism", and "Orthopraxis" around, he had SEM STUDENT written all over him. The classroom's reaction was almost instantaneous: "Alright you self-righteous jerk....what have you got to say?" This guy gained no respect BECAUSE he demanded acknowledgment of his authority. We were rolling our eyes and scrounging for other homework long before he uttered his first word. However, despite all this I decided to give the guy my full attention. I figured, "Hey. He's not studying to be a teacher (which is a problem in itself), he's studying to be a Biblical scholar...I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has something worthwhile to say." Ugh, now I remember why it's dumb to ASSUME*.....

Today's lecture was supposed to be about the history and significance of 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus. I was actually looking forward to hearing more about these Pastoral Epistles especially after hearing such a magnificent and challenging speaker in chapel. Dr. Brenda's message was that our generation's time is NOW for furthering and impacting God's kingdom. It was powerful but I'm getting off topic!

When I read 1 & 2 Tim and Titus I see the personal letter of a mentor to his disciples...the sons Paul never had. I see the care, concern and conviction a pastor has for his young leaders. Two things happen when I read these letters: 1. I gain encouragement to not be afraid of young age. God will use ALL ages to lead and guide His church. We are never to be intimidated by those older than us. Respectful? Absolutely! Intimidated? No! 2. I feel as though I am reading someone else's mail. The tenderness and love that is evident in these letters makes me almost embarassed to to read them.

Dr. Wannabe completely missed the point! Wanna know what we spent a MAJORITY of our time discussing???? Objections to the credibility of Pauline authorship and DATE of authorship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Okay....I understand that as educated Christians we should know that such debates exist. I get it. HOWEVER, I fail to understand the need to spend 35 minutes discussing these two subjects in an Undergrad-Intro-Core Requirement class. There were so many other places he could have gone with his lecture.

I guess my biggest objections are twofold. 1) Don't be a jerk. We may be undergrads, we may be less knowledgable about how to use the Library of Congress numbering system, heck we might not even know we HAVE a library on this campus, but we are all in college! We are here to learn and we all have brains. Do NOT speak to me as though I'm 6 and I have never picked up the Bible. I LITERALLY sat on my hands every time Prof. In His Dreams asked if there were questions. I had the strongest urge to say, "Yes. I have a question. How old are you? Because I'm 23 and I doubt you are MORE than a few months older than I am so would you please stop talking to me like you have SO MUCH more brain power than I do. In fact there are SOME students here that are OLDER than you are! And also, would you please remove that smug smile and fake pastor voice before I walk up there and slap you?" (I wonder what his reaction would have been....he'd probably hit me with his Concordance.)

The other problem. He had NO passion! Oh sure, I could almost SEE his panties bunching while he discussed the support for Pauline authorship. And when he finally jumped up and down on THAT dead horse for the last time, he moved on to the debate over date of authorship. He practically started frothing at the mouth due to his excitement over the evidence which supported a 4th Missionary Journey. Yippee skippee! I ask you, WHO ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH CARES?!?!?!? I mean bsides this guy and COUNTLESS other scholars who've dedicated their LIVES to arguing these facts (wich I think is pitiful).

Despite all of this, I didn't see the spark--the fire in his belly. I didn't see Dr. Bore getting charged up about what these letters SAID. Paul is passing on the torch!!! Which after many, many centuries has finally been passed to us! That is why we are here....at college....to take the torch and follow Paul's instructions to "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses" (1 Tim 6:12).

I missed all that and ultimately, that's what made me sad and frustrated. The fact that this young man, paled by the halogen lights of the Library and aged beyond his years due to scholarly talk, had missed this passionate and soul-wrenching instruction broke my heart. I hurt for this man's future congregation. Whoever his future church is will hire one the most educated, scholarly men from Seminary and therefore pass up a man with a keen sense of what God's Word is really SAYING!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The One with SMF and Cassie Talking to Each Other

Since you heartless bloggers have no emotions and could care less about hearfelt entries (except you Polli!) I'll give you what you came here to get. Pointless Toilet Humor!!!! Woo hoo!

LEGAL NOTICE: These are actual conversations. Any intent to take quotes out of context or misquote certain speakers due to lack of electronic recording devices is entirely purposeful. The author does not consider this libel and therefore sex cannot be witheld as some sort of punishment (that means YOU Special!). In all fairness to the speakers, these conversations have been recorded since March 1, 2007 and oftentimes speakers were unaware notes were being taken. In other words, these are authentic twenty-somethings in their natural habitats.

It is now time for another edition of:

WHAT ROMANCE SOUNDS LIKE

Special Man Friend: I need a rub-down.
ME (The Stunningly Gorgeous, Cassie Blaine) : Oh yeah?
SMF: With oils….
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Sorry. I just got this image of you sliding around the room like a greased pig!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
SMF: And you call ME the unromantic one.



ME: Look! My hair is almost long enough to censor explicit materials!
SMF: So many ways to go...so little brain power to figure out which one to choose!
ME: That could be due to the fact that all the blood has drained out of your head because you won't quit staring at my explicit materials.



ME: I wonder if our parents and the church would let us live together because it’s cheaper.
SMF: Probably not.
ME: What if we told them it was a TWO bedroom apartment.
SMF: Try it. See what happens.
ME: So basically the only way we could live together is if we had cool parents and we were heathen.
SMF: Basically.



ME: What should I call your apartment in my blog?
SMF: “The Apartment”?
ME: That's poetic! [pause] Well, what do you call my dorm in your blog?
SMF: The All-Girls Dorm Where the Panties-Only Tickle Fights Start Promptly at 9.
ME: That sounds like a porn title!
SMF: Not really, it’s too long. If it were a porno it would be Nasty Christian Co-eds in Panties or something.
ME: At least that’s more ACCURATE!
SMF: Now there’s some images for the Spank Bank!



SMF: Know why non-Christian guys attend Christian schools?
ME: Why?
SMF: Cuz good Christian girls drop their panties faster than bad secular girls do.



ME: I wonder if anyone has ever used Glamour Shots for their passport photo.
SMF: Is that REALLY what you think about?!?



SMF: How were the Kindergartners today?
ME: Well, we worked on the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
SMF: Oh, yeah? How’d that go?
ME: Well we got as far as identifying the main characters…Sha-shack, Mee-mack and Abiggo.
SMF: That’s pretty good!
ME: You’ll know I’ve completely lost my mind if I EVER say I want to be a teacher. Don’t ask any questions, just put me in a home and get remarried.



ME: Now really, what do you want your apartment to be called?
SMF: It’s your blog, you make something up.
SMF’S ROOMATE: How about ‘The LoveShack’
SMF: Yeah! Or ‘The Rumba Room’
SMFR: Or ‘The Lair of the Horizontal-Mambo Masters”.
SMF: ‘The Virginity Depository’!!
ME: Alright! So...'Romper Room' it is.



SMF: I really wish you’d change my character name on your blog. It sounds like I’m Special because I have Special Needs or something.
ME: You mean you don’t?!?



ME: Know why good Christian girls attend Christian schools??
SMF: Why?
ME: Because NO ONE drops their panties faster than a good Christian boy!
SMF: I suppose that makes ME exhibit A.



SMF: I’ve decided I don’t like wearing boxers with my scrubs.
ME: Oh yeah?
SMF: Yeah. Things bounce around too much.
ME: Sounds painful.
SMF: It’s not too bad until about the tenth time in a week, you’re standing behind a chair, you turn to do something and it ‘bounces’ into the back of the chair.
ME: [looking up from book] It took you ten times to figure this out?!?



ME: So was that our first real fight?
SMF: No. We’ve had worse ones than that.
ME: Nuh uh! When?!?
SMF: How bout when you were in Maine?
ME: That doesn’t count!! I was too drunk to know we were fighting.
SMF: AH-HA!!! I win! I win! I win! I win!!!!
ME: Win what?!?
SMF: We were fighting about whether or not you were drunk and right now you just admitted you were! I WIN!!!
ME: You lead a sad, sad life.



ME: Help me review for Research Methods.
SMF: Sure. [taking notebook] Name two benefits of conducting survey research.
ME: It’s cheap and easy!
SMF: There’s a ‘Yo Mama’ joke in there somewhere.



ME: [sobbing so hard over the phone I can’t talk]
SMF: Are you PMS-ing?
ME: [screaming into phone] NO!!!!! YOU ASS!!!!
SMF: Are you hormonal?
ME: [laughing hysterically] HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No!!! I feel fine.
SMF: Are you emotional because I have somehow managed to ruin your day even though I have been asleep and haven’t actually spoken to you for six hours?
ME: [back to sobbing] YES!!!
SMF: Okay. I’m just trying to figure out which part of the script I should skip to.....here we go, “I love you so much. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been able to be there for you. How can I make you feel better?”
ME: Yer lucky yer cute. It’s the only thing that keeps me from suffocating you in your sleep.



SMF: UNROMANTIC?!?!? Fine! Next time I’ll just write you a note about how much I wanna stick it in you!!!
ME: That’s all I’m asking for!!!! My kinda romance...
SMF: [silence] Who ARE you?!?



SMF: The ‘Romper Room’ huh? Wanna go for a little romp right now?? [wink]
ME: Nope, but your right hand looks a little lonely.
SMF: That greedy bastard! We already romped this morning in the shower! [walking into kitchen]
ME: Babe, while you’re in there, would you put “shower shoes” on my shopping list.



ME: By the way, HOW THE HELL DO YOU BANG IT INTO CHAIRS?!?
SMF: It just happens!!!
ME: And you’re worried that your blog name makes you look like you have Special Needs!

The One with The Updates

SPRING BREAK 2007!!! Wooooooo! Show us your boobs!


Okay....now that we have THAT out of our system. It's true, here at Tiny Christian University it is OFFICIALLY Spring Break 2007. What am I doing you ask? I'm spending it on a bus with 52 other people DRIVING to Staten Island and back. WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (Uh huh.)

Along with it being Spring Break, it is also Concert Choir Spring Tour 2007. This year we are traveling to Staten Island, NY with performances along the way in Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. (We headed your way Mrs. Chili....I'll wave from New York!) We perform at churches and stay with members of the congregation every night. Essentially, every night I have no idea where exactly I'm going to be laying my head, I just have faith that it will be somewhere warm and safe.

This element is only one of many that makes Tour so intense. (Wait till next year when we tour Europe and do it the EXACT same way!!! YIKES!!) Not only are we performing everyday (sometimes twice), but we are making the entire trip on hope and some prayers. (Granted the churches are arranged ahead of time so it's not like we just show up at some random church expecting food and a place to stay....that's just insanity!)

Last year I was lucky enough to stay with wonderful families in BEAUTIFUL houses every night. One of my Florida families hosted four of us girls for two nights and let us use their car, go to the movies, take naps in the afternoon, sunbathe on their patio, and each of us had her own rooms. NICE!!! (Everyone is praying to be placed with that type of family.)

What am I trying to say in all of this? YAY!!! Tour!!! I'm excited!!! (Okay moving on.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ummmm...since the last time we chatted, I have been placed on the ADD drug Adderall XR. My therapist and I decided to try a new tactic since EVERYTHING else we had tried failed to help my poor GPA. Of course, besides cutting WAAAAAAAAAAY down on the amount of time I spend at Special Man Friend's Bachelor Pad. That helped quite a bit actually! (Go figure.)

I had noticed I was having a problem staying focused back in middle school, but my Mother Figure was pretty adamant that I was just lazy. So I put my nose to the grindstone to achieve the GPA expected by my parents. I graduated with a 3.85 and nearly killed myself in the process. Now at college, I'm finding it almost impossible to keep focused on one thing for too long. My GPA currently?? A 2.0. Uhhh....yeah, clearly there's a problem, so I'm going to see how this med stuff works for a while. (At LEAST a year.)

I'm pretty happy with my decision to go on meds. Thus far I have been able to cope with the side effects. Minor headaches and nausea after my first meal of the day seem to be the two that hit on a consistent basis. My Psychiatrist/Neurologist (we'll call him Dr. Brain) promises that these things will lessen in time.

What am I trying to say in all of this? YAY!!! Drugs!!! I'm excited!!! (Okay moving on.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And last but not least, I STILL don't have the solo in choir. What has Dr. Director decided? The freshman and I are going to share it!!!!!! Alright....fine. All I have to say about it is,

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING ASSHOLE?!?

(Shhhhh....don't tell SMF that I just swore.)

It's not that I'm a Super Diva (I'm a recovering one actually)! The fact is that I have logged a total of 15 hours working on this stupid solo!!! Snot-nose Freshman?? She'll openly admit she hasn't worked on it at all!!! WTF?!? I mean really! Even the Choir thinks this is more than a little shitty.

*sigh* Fine, dearest Dr. Director. Be that way! I just want to you to know that I am agreeing to this arrangement only under extreme duress.

What am I trying to say in all of this? DAMN YOU DR. DIRECTOR!!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!




Ugh....YAY for Tour. :-/

The One with My Mother and The Jelly.

Alright....I'm calling on the powers of all the "Mommies" that swing by my site. Here's the deal, I think my mother is trying to kill me and I need to know if this is okay.

I don't know if any of my dear readers have ever had this habit, but everytime I walk in my Mother's house I automatically open the refridgerator door. My whole molecular balance gets thrown off if I don't get the chance to open the fridge, stick my head in and say, "I'm starving. What do you have to eat?" Even after eating out with my parents and riding back to their place, complaining the whole way about how stuffed I am, I will walk in the front door and promptly open the fridge. It's just a natural phenomenom.

Today was no different. I agreed to spend the weekend with my parents so I could help serve my Mom's retirement luncheon at church on Sunday. I wasn't in her house for longer than 8 minutes before I found my way to the kitchen and stuck my head in her fridge. She was in the process of making me clam chowder and I STILL HAD TO OPEN THE FRIDGE!! I decided that I couldn't wait for the soup and had to eat RIGHT NOW! I pulled out the fixin's for a PB & J sandwich and got to work.

I spent 45 seconds selecting the most perfectly shaped, symmetrical pieces of bread. I performed a thorough and scientific Taste Benefit ratio on the differences between Grape and Strawberry jelly. I chose the perfect knife for the job....definitely a butter knife but not too skinny or it wouldn't properly get the jelly out of the jar. I poured myself a frothy glass of milk in anticipation of a tasty "old school" lunch. I placed all of my supplies on the counter and got busy.

Suddenly there was a fluke! The jelly wouldn't open!! No amount of grunting, pouting, foot stomping, whining and jumping up and down would open that stupid jar. What Stupid Jar didn't know was, I WAS GOING TO HAVE GRAPE JELLY DAMN IT!!

I decided to run the jar under some hot water in hopes of loosening the sticky jelly glue that was holding my lunch hostage. While I was holding my prisoner under water and tapping my foot, I happened to glance down at the label and almost dropped the jar. There on it's purply little side was the nice neat printing saying, "BEST IF PURCHASED BY 06 2004". WHAT the?!?!?!?

Me: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! (In Chi-town all good children refer to their mothers as "Mah". Make it super nasally and you've got it.) Why do we have jelly from 2003?!?!?!?! That's just wrong!!! No wonder the jar wouldn't open! It was trying to save me from certain death.

Mah: Oh stop! It's jelly. You can eat it for years and years and be just fine.

Me: Mah! That's assuming you BUY A NEW JAR EVERY YEAR! EWwwwwwww. That's just gross.

Mah: Cut it out. If I had made the sandwich for you, you wouldn't have known any different.

Me: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwww!

Mah: Just stop it and make yer sandwich. (FYI "Yer" is not just a quirky internet spelling of 'your' and 'you're'...that's really how it's pronounced (or PERnounced) in these parts.)

Me: Never mind. I'm not hungry. I'll wait for the soup. Do you want me to throw this away or put it back in the fridge?

Mah: Are you gonna (gunna) eat it next year???

Me: NO!!!!!

Mah: Then just throw it out if yer gunna be sucha baby. I'll get new jelly at the store on Monday.

She was really okay with feeding me three year old jelly?!? What other crazy, unsanitary things do you loony Mah's do?!?!? I've seen the 'lick and stick' technique of cleaning pacifiers, but what have you done lately that DCFS should really know about???





PS: The pink was getting to me. I decided to change up the colors.....I think we've figured out that I'm a girl. Let's move on, shall we??

The One That Explains EVERYTHING!

Special Man Friend and I couldn't date if we couldn't talk about random things like the following. Please keep in mind these are not paid actors. The following are all REAL conversations.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMF: When hanging out with other guys, it's a good rule of thumb to have on as many clothes as possible.

ME: So if yer sitting on the couch with other guys, you wouldn't just sit there shirtless.

SMF: Yuck, no! Now when you and I are together, a good rule of thumb for YOU to follow is that YOU have as little clothing on as possible.

ME: So when I'm sitting on a couch with guys I should be shirtless?

SMF: HEY! [pause] When were you sitting on a couch with other guys?!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: I don't think you quite comprehend what I mean by "REALLY BAD SEX"

SMF: No....even "really bad sex" still means orgasm for me.

ME: Ugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: I'll ask the black guys to play pool with me!

SMF: No you won't! For two reasons. First they LOVE your body type and would be acting all horny. SECOND you've already told me that you are strangely attracted to thuggish black guys.

ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love you...

SMF: Why?!? Because I'm logical?! Because I make sense?!?

ME: Yes....clearly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SMF: Yer kind of in a "Bad Girl" mood aren't you?

ME: No...actually I think I'm getting a headcold.

SMF: You have that "Naughty Girl" tone of voice.

ME: I think you're just hearing the sound of snot dripping down the back of my throat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: What are you doing? [As SMF is jumping around the living room]

SMF: Jumping.

ME: Oh, okay. [Goes back to reading]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Look at that squirrel!!! He looks like an ape!

SMF: Uhhh...

ME: Well, when he's going steppy, steppy not hoppy, hoppy.

SMF: You need a nap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Do I look dumb when I walk?

SMF: WHAT?! No. What kind of a question is that? Next you're going to be asking if you look doofy when you blink.

ME: I look doofy when I blink?!?!?

SMF: [in total deadpan monotone] Yes, yes you do. It turns me on. Ooo baby, ooo baby.

ME: Shut up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: What do you want for Valentine's Day?

SMF: Well....you could get me that thing we keep meaning to buy but never get around to shopping for. [continues channel surfing]

ME: [silence] You want condoms for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: Think something we use MUCH less frequently.

ME: [more silence] You want food for Valentine's Day?!?

SMF: When you blog about this could you please make us sound like something OTHER than starving nymphomaniacs?? [goes back to channel surfing]

(He wanted cologne by the way!!! How the hell was I supposed to guess that from his clues?!?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: [breathless] HEY!!! I JUST DID A ONE HOUR TAE-BO CLASS AND I LOVED IT!!!

SMF: [groggy and grumpy] It's six. Your loving and supportive boyfriend is trying to sleep.

ME: I just wanted to share! I'm going to go shower, then eat some breakfast, then go to class, then do some homework....

SMF: [mumbling while I'm talking] Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive. Loving and supportive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: Stop thinking so hard. You might hurt your brain and you need that.

SMF: I don't need a brain!

ME: Oh really?
SMF: Not as much as I need my penis!

ME: That line of thinking is precisely why the world is the way it is!

The One with the Sasie Note

To the Maintenance Men of Tiny Christian University:

Hello! Let me first say that I really do appreciate your dedicated service to our campus. You guys do jobs most of the residents would run from....thank you!

HOWEVER!! Sometimes your lack of common sense and critical thinking skills leave me at a loss for words. I realize that at one point you were all told by your boss that "If there is ice, you must put down salt". I agree!

What I am beginning to realize is that you may have missed the Chemistry lesson that should have gone along with those instructions. I am sure you may already be aware of the idea that the salt is used to form a layer of brine which has a lower freezing point and breaks the bond the ice on the pavement. Very good! [Pats on the head all around.]

This is ideal for streets because after the ice is seperated from the surface, the rushing traffic mixes it up and plows follow along to scrape the newly made slush off the roadways. You, my lovely Maintenance Men, are NOT deicing roadways. You are deicing the walkways of small Christian University.

Essentially there is not enough weight moving FAST ENOUGH over your brine and therefore no slush is being created. ALSO! You lovely fellows are not out shoveling or plowing what little slush there IS being created in high traffic areas, say for example in front of the academic building on campus where ALL TCU undergrads have EVERY class.

Also you may have noticed, the temperature outside is WELL below freezing....about 30 degrees below actually.

What am I trying to say?? STOP SALTING! All that is being accomplished is that for a brief 30 seconds the ice melts enough to promptly refreeze IN A NEW SHAPE!!!

In other words... THE ICE IS STILL IN FRONT OF THE STAIRS SO SOMEONE HAVING A REALLY CUTE HAIR DAY CAN SLIP AND FALL ON HER OH-SO-PLENTIFUL ALBEIT ADORABLE RUMP THUS EMBARASSING HER, SCUFFING HER CUTE SHOES, AND!! FORCING HER TO CHANGE HER ENTIRE ENSEMBLE WHICH TOOK HER 25 MINUTES TO PICK OUT IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!

Bah humbug on YOU, you Maintence Men. Curses be on all your houses and your families!

Your adoring Tiny Christian University resident,
Cassie


PS: MY BUTT HURTS!!

The One That has The Test and The Whining...Oh, THE WHINING!

Dear Professor English,

You are slowly and quite painfully making my brain melt. YER KILLING ME!!!!!


I may ACTUALLY learn something in your class!!


And I like it.

Sincerely,
Cassie


Hello gentle readers.

I just got in from trekking my way across the frozen tundra affectionately known as "my campus". (Where did that Global Warming go?!? I did NOT order this weather. I have a copy of my receipt to prove it!) Anyway...I was in Prof English's class and we took his first exam.

It was ugly....many wounded....most left for dead on the classroom floor! Oh the stress! Tears! Wailing! Gnashing of teeth!!

Here's the thing, it's not that we were not properly prepared (Okay so that COULD be part of the problem. Also, my use of a double negative could be a problem too). It's just that his exam was as intense as his class!!!

How unfair is that?!? Exams are supposed to be easy. You (professors) spoon feed us the information and then we (students) dutifully regurgitate it for you back onto your exam....sometimes word for word.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Prof English decides he's gonnna make us, like, analyze and stuff. Hey now! None of that!

He used the exam questions to make us think as critically as we do in class! ON! HIS! TEST!! Did you read what I just wrote?!? He's making us think on an exam!! Let that soak in for a second. Go back and re-read if you need to. I'll wait..... See it?!? HE MADE US THINK!!!

Basically he asked us to use his notes from class as a filter for what we were reading in the book then combine the two on his exam. Can you believe the nerve of this guy?!

First he wrote out some scenarios and asked us to identify them as an Argument, Persuasion, or Propaganda. Then he asked us to "support our claim". Basically...."Why?" (PS: As students we hate the "Why?" clause on questions....it makes the regurgitation process more difficult. Just so you know!)

His scenarios were: 1. A marriage proposal. 2. A Geometry proof. 3. The President's State of the Union Address. 4. An advertisement by a chemical company supporting environmental awareness.

Alright...not so scary. You can get away with regurgitating here. Moving on.

The next section was the short answer part. He gave us the elements of argumentation and we had to write one paragraph describing the attributes for each. Ugh....hand cramps!! Boo.

Still pretty simple.

Now we start to sweat a little.

This section was the most challenging. He gave us a table and across the top of the of the columns, were the words: PAST, PRESENT, FUTURE. Then he supplied us with lists of three words each. For example: POLICIES, FACTS, VALUES. Our task was to take the three words and place them under the heading that best describes the order of the words. So my answer looked like: FACTS, VALUES, POLICIES. (Facts from past scenarios dictate the values we hold today and we set up policies to protect those values in the future.) THERE WERE SIX OF THOSE!!! One of the lists was DELIBERATIVE, FORENSIC, EPIDEICTIC!!! WTF?! Thinking again?!?!? What?! Even though most of us had NEVER heard these words, we had to decide?!? STOP WITH THE CRITICAL THINKING!!!

So after we limp out of that section, we flip the test over to find.....GRAMMAR LESSONS*?? Hold up here buddy! We didn't even DISCUSS grammar!! Notta once! I have the scrupulous notes of every word you said in class and you never even TOUGHT the word GRAMMAR!! No fair. You are expecting us to rely on knowledge we have gained over years of studying English and apply it to YOUR test!! You could, like, NOT be more UNFAIR Prof English!! You are the meanest Professor EVER! **foot stomp**

What do you mean "underline the complete subject" in your sample sentence?! If you don't knock it off, I'm going to TELL you where exactly you can put your infinitive! (You crazy English profs need to stop foaming at the mouth from excitement....yer keyboard is going to short out.)

Prof English!!! What are you doing?? You give us the sentence: Each of my two sons required two chances to pass their drivers test. I don't WANNA identify two mistakes!! And please, please, please don't ask me to re-write it. (Oh yeah, he asked.)

Then you tell us: A young man living in Oh-Ho, Korea is a bright student he got accepted at the university of Pennsylvania. Well, la dee da for him Prof English!!! I don't care that there are BLATANT mistakes in that sentence. (Mistakes that are making my eye twitch and were painful to type...I can only IMAGINE the pain for him!) No! I'm NOT gonna list the verbs. There is no way you're going to make me list all the adjectives. AND I AM CERTAINLY NOT GOING TO RE-WRITE!!! STOP ASKING!

Sheesh....professors these days.



*Editor's Note: Personally, I LOVE grammar! I was SOOOO excited to see this section on the test. These are what I like to call "Gimme Points"...gimme the points so I can go home!

Wedding Wackoness Take 2! (Edited for Content)

The other night was my cousin's wedding. Yes, FRIDAY NIGHT!! Who does that?!?

With all the wedding stuff going on, naturally the conversations between the female siblings turned to Dream Nuptials. Each of us have our own weddings planned out (for the most part) and each girl's wedding is unique and speaks volumes about the woman she is and is going to become.

The Baby Sis dreams of an Island Diva style wedding. She wants all eyes on her and her alone. Her basic plans include very few details because she wants to be the centerpiece of every room she walks into that day. She plans on having a silk sheath dress, long flowing hair and a pink hibiscus to accent it all. She wants elegant simplicity with a touch of quirky funkiness that is uniquely her.

The Older Step Sis plans on a very quiet, private wedding. A traditional Catholic mass with only her nearest and dearest. Afterwards she would prefer a family meal together at someone's home and then a quiet departure to her honeymoon. She wants her wedding to be the celebration of a new beginning. She wants nothing more than to be surrounded by people that love her and that want to wish her and her husband the best. She wants to feel loved by and connected to each of her guests.

And then there's me.....The Princess. I believe Annie Oakley in the musical Annie Get Your Gun said it best during her duet with her love interest Frank:


"I want a wedding that's surrounded
by diamonds and platinum
A big reception at the Whaldorf
With champagne and caviar
I want a wedding like the Vanderbilt's had
Everything big not small
If I can't have that kind of a wedding
I'm not getting married at all"


That's right kidlets, the custom-made gown, the tiara, the six foot train, the flowers, the candles, the steak dinners, the flowing champagne, the men in tuxes, my groom in tails, the lush fabrics, the gold rimmed china...that's what I want people. And Special Man Friend and I will work till we're forty if we have to in order to get it!

I think I surprised my mother with how much Special Man Friend and I have planned for our wedding! SMF and I have set a goal of $25,000. That's how much the two of us are bringing to the wedding budget...each of us that is, for a combined total of $50,000! Seeing as how he has a head for numbers and I have a head for STUFF, we work well together. He's not the type of guy to think I'm silly to be looking for deals on reception sites this far out. He genuinely participates when I make him look at eleventy billion different paper options for invitations. He likes knowing all the details and even more so, he likes knowing WHERE the budget will need to go when we do finally get serious about planning.

Alright...I know. Most of you are wondering WHAT THE HELL we're going to do with 50k. Here's the deal, both of us have divorced parents who have since remarried. Each of us has EASILY 200 family members we need to invite. That number is not including our friends and co-workers.

My mother about fell on the floor when I quoted the total goal. But when she really thought about it she realized, I have always been the princess in the family. Not only is our wedding going to be huge just because of the sheer number of people that are going to be there, it's going to be huge because I've grown up with images of celebrity weddings. *shrug* That's just how I am. (I'm already talking to one of my Mom's flight attendant friends about going to Hong Kong and picking up silk swatches for the gown and Maids' dresses)

SMF and I are both on our way towards the goal, I own my own business selling cosmetics and he works for one of the biggest medical supply companies in the area. $50,000 is perfectly within our abilities.

***Here's where it starts to gets sentimental and a little heartfelt. ;-)***

We're both really excited to start our lives together, on the other hand...I'm jealous of this personal time I have and I guard it like a pitbull. I wouldn't trade any of this time I have on my own for more time in married life with SMF. I couldn't imagine starting a life with him before I had a chance to do all things I've ever wanted to do.

I plan on doing a Missions Trip to Haiti to spend some time digging wells and working in our church ministry there. I'm also doing my internship in Montana on a farm that uses horses as a therapeutic tool for abused and traumatized women and children.

But all of my futures plans are not solo, I also have many plans that INCLUDE Special Man Friend; kids, home, church...you know the deal. (Espcially the Kids part....little tough to do all by your lonesome!) SMF and I have spent many nights talking about our future life. We love daydreaming and imagineing.

Where is all this 'word vomit' going?? Essentially, nowhere. I guess I've just spent alot of time thinking about the future lately. I'm getting excited to see where Life takes me.

***Update***

I have come down off my high.
I'm going to limp off to bed and sneak in a cat nap before my final @ 9AM!


This is the EXACT text Special Man Friend has waiting on his cell phone:

"I will cause you severe bodily harm if you don't call me and make sure I'm awake when you get home from work!"

Finals 2006! WOO!! Show Us Your Boobs!!!!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Welcome! Hi!

It's finals week!!! Woo!!! Yay for Red Bull!!! (For some reason it ONLY tastes right with vodka but what are you gonna do?!?) And Excedrin!!! And my life source....heavenly, heavenly Mocha Fraps!!! Woo!! Caffeine!! That's right people, my only source of caloric intake since Sunday has come from CAFFEINE!!! Woo!!! And the trembling!!! And the energy!! Woooo!!!

The hours are ticking away before I walk into my first final whereas that blessed hour of freedom after my last final seems decades away!!!! And I can't seem to stop with the exclamation marks!!!! And the suitemates can't seem to keep up with my ramblings!!! And did I mention that I've been consuming caffeine?!?!?!?!

Have I also mentioned that I am a delicate, delicate flower and with only a SNIFF of coffee brewing I become the love child of Speedy Gonzales and the Roadrunner?!?!?!?!?

Have I also mentioned that the Student Government here at Tiny Christian University have decided to have Red Bull reps on hand from 10pm till 6 am in the cafeteria?!?!? And you know what these beautiful, beautiful people are doing?!?!?!? They are handing out FREE FREE FREE Red Bull!!!!! Wooo!!! Red Bull gives you wings!!! And tremors!!!! Wooo!!!

Yup yup!!! Alright!!! Back to the books!!! Woo!!! Yay for finals!!! Woo!!!

*sigh*

My "give a damn" is busted.


And those are hard to come by, yo!

RE: HELP! HELP! HELP!

I decided to email the file back to my professor and let her know that her final may have 'leaked'. I assured her I didn't read it and that I just wanted her to know that it was out there. I then deleted the file off the computer before I could have a chance to email it to myself.


Her response....and I quote, "Thanks."


*shrug* Whatever. At least I can sleep easier at night and I still like the face I see in the mirror, and that's what matters in the long run, right?

HELP! HELP! HELP!

I found a copy of the final for my Adolescent Psych class. My prof was absent minded enough to save it to the public computers and not delete it.

I haven't read it, but it's there...singing it's siren song of Guaranteed A+.

It's not MY fault she left it there! I wasn't SEARCHING for it!!! I've gotten A's (sorry for the apostrophe abuse Mrs. Chili...it just looks better!) on all of her other tests! I wasn't even WORRIED about this final...in fact I was sure in my ability to get an A. I'm drowning in review groups and study guides from my other 15 credits...I could use the break!

On the other hand, I've never cheated in my LIFE! This is soooo immoral I don't even know where to begin!




I wish Jiminy Cricket was around!

I don't know what it is about winter and its insistence on sucking all things fun out of life, what with the empty bank accounts, short daylight hours and horrendous traffic, winter makes life dull and dry.

It also happens to make my skin dull and dry as well. (Creative transition, no?) By the time Spring decides to come wandering back to the Midwest, I have used three times my body weight in lotion, moisturizing body wash and damage repairing conditioner.

Also by that time, the typical Midwest farmer's daughter has also found eleventy billion creative ways to layer her clothing so only the most NECESSARY amounts of skin are visible (vulnerable) to the dry, nasty winter air. Except.....some of them, the heartier of us farmgirls, forget (don't care) about their feet!

Ladies...if you are going to insist on wearing flip flops all the way into the cold season, you better commit yourselves to the same maintenance routine you had in the summer.

No one should wear flip flops without first doing some sort of paw grooming! Feet. Are. Gross. I don’t care who you are! This means regular pedicures with special attention to cracked heels and dry skin.

On the other hand, guys should never walk around with their feet visible in public. EVER! Not once! NEVER!!! Guy feet are particularly nasty. I know this seems brutal, but I’m just trying to stop men from committing a crime against humanity (mainly offending others with your Tyrannosaurus Rex-like feet). I know you guys are between the rock and the hard place. You’re saying, "But Cass!! They make flip flops and open toed shoes for men!!” I know they do sweetie.[insert head patting here] It’s so tempting! Cruel even. I feel for you.

But let’s look at why open –toed shoes came into existence in the first place. Women spend ridiculous amounts of money to look as good as they do. Surprisingly enough it doesn’t come naturally...I know, I hear bubbles bursting EVERYWHERE!

This means that we even spend money on beautifying our FEET!! Those nasty things attached to our ankles that keep us from falling over when we stand...yeah, we scrub, lotion, trim and paint them. So naturally after all this, WE WANT YOU GUYS TO SEE THEM!!! (I don’t know who thought this was a good idea in the first place, but I’ll admit I have my fair share of strappy shoes.)

Guys generally do NOTHING to maintain their feet. Your opinion is, they’re feet…they’re supposed to look gross. And while I do agree about the grossness, GUY feet go beyond the realms of gross. So please, for the love of all things holy, keep them covered!

And please don’t fall into the trap that girls have laid out, oh so cunningly. Do not allow any amount of eyelash batting or hair flipping convince you a man looks manly with a pedicure! This is a lie...watch out for women and their wily ways.

"Lots of other guys get pedicures" is a lie that was started by salon owners and fed to women to pass along to their unsuspecting significant others. Men should not have trimmed cuticles, smooth heels and glossy toenails! It is unnatural and it throws off the entire molecular balance of the species.

Guys, resist the urge to get a pedicure in order to wear a nice pair of river trek sandals (nice river trek sandals don't exist anyway, so it shoudn't be a peoblem). No, no pedicures on men...not even for Birkenstocks. (I'm still hoping that one day the United States will come back to its senses and banish Birkenstocks and Crocs to the fiery pits of shoe hell in which they belong!) ladies keep schlepping over the frozen tundra to the nail salon. If you are going to insist on wearing flip flops through the snow it needs to be done!

Of course, there IS a simpler solution.....PUT SOME REAL FREAKING SHOES ON!!

YAY!! YAY!! YAY!! YAY!!

LOOK WHAT I WOKE UP TO THIS MORNING!!!

I went to bed last night without a flake in the sky and woke up to over 10 inches! That's right....I MIGHT be located in one of those cities that got hit by blizzard-like conditions last night. I just MIGHT!

Classes are cancelled b/c profs aren't trekking out in this crappola. I'm totally excited b/c I'm going to crawl back under my blankets and sleep till lunch!!! Mmmmmmm....sounds heavenly!

Later I'm sure there will be some sledding on illegally 'borrowed' cafeteria trays. And it's all going to be done in my NEW winter coat...YAY for Moms that love to spoil their daughters!! (I would be freezing my tushy off without my Mother Figure that May or May Not Have a Favorite Child She Enjoys Spoiling!)

HAVE A GREAT SNOW DAY PEOPLE!!!!

Here's the Story of Two Lovely Sisters

All you need to know is that we're sisters. And we're not biologically related!

This is my Baby Sister. She's a Froshy at Large Well-Known Public University.

























We were having some fun at Thanksgiving this evening. And yes, we're ALWAYS crazy like this.





















This is her audition photo for Herbal Essences!

























Sometimes she's scary on SOOOO many levels!

That would be a cracker in her mouth.

Yup...this is life with my Baby Sis. She rocks my socks off!

Sometimes we behave ourselves.....sometimes.